Is the Word “Slut” Even Relevant Anymore?

What’s your number?

You already know what I’m talking about.

I hate getting older for one reason (okay there are many reasons, such as, but not limited to, I now fully understand and appreciate why the product Poise is manufactured):  Feeling like an out of touch old fogie around the young people.

I’m cool. I’m hip. I’m with it. Down with it. It’s it. What is it?

Where was I? Oh yes…sluts!

Today it’s totally normal for a 22-year-old girl’s “number” to be 20. Or higher!

That makes me wiry-haired chin drop to the floor!

She’s slept with 20 guys?? And she’s only 22! Holy shit.

That, to me, is a lot.

Ok, fine. You’re totally not a cumbucket slutbag if you’ve fucked 20 guys practically before you were of legal age to drink. P.S. Vodka doesn’t give you crabs. Keep your legs closed for a few days!

As a wise man once said back in the 19 hundreds and 90′s about what makes a woman a “low pro hoe”:

But I know she’s a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her!

Oh snap!  That is a cold hard dis right there.

But now…it takes more than the crew.

It’s the crew, the cast, the understudies, the Kraft service, and the whole damn audience!

THEN that would make her a hoe?? Maybe?

And I’m not a prude. I’m sure my earlier posts have proven that. But wow.

Rainbow Party!

Rainbow Party!

Ok, and here’s another problem with this scenario…If true, if girls are more promiscuous and more slutty than ever, what good is being a cougar then??  I thought being a cougar was all sexy like “Oh, that older lady over there has a lot of sexual experience and will do all the things that the girls at school won’t do.”

Yeah, no! Apparently those girls are already doing everything, including you and all your friends AND your enemies.  In ever position and every hole!

So what do I bring to the table? I mean, I know I’m a good lay! I got high-fived by a broad-shouldered plump lipped Jewish rugby player* who KNOWS how sex is done.  Do I wish I could have a personal reference CV when it comes to my fucking abilities…Yeah, yes I do.  But I can’t.

Because honestly….. I would if the guys would take my request seriously! References, people! Or endorse me on LinkedIn. (Ok, omg, imagine?? I’d get a lot of anonymous views after that!)

So why would a guy pick a cougar nowadays?  Oh God, don’t say money. Now I’m really screwed.

Yo slick blow,

xojmo

*Damn, SFJ, when are you going to get divorced already?

JMo Rant: Is This TV or TMI?

I was watching that stupid Quit-Smoking-Gum commercial and when the guys says, “15 days…but not in a row.” And I literally blurted out, “Guy! Who gives a shit? Fucking congratulations for quitting a habit that is literally killing you.  And I’m literally using the actual term of “literally” correctly. I could not care less that you’ve not smoked for 15 days. But not in a row.”

And then I thought, why is this guy so fucking smug? So it’s like cool to fall of the wagon but still get credit for 15 days? No. You see, no one at AA get a chip for 6 months…but you know…not in a row. There was two months in 2010. 2011 was bad. Then 3 months in 2012….

Yeah, no.  Dude, here’s how you quit smoking:   Stop buying cigarettes. And then lighting them and smoking them.

I’m honestly not trying to shit on those trying to quit smoking.  I guess I’m just thinking – I don’t give a flying fuck.  And while we’re at it, I don’t care about your ailment or disease or misfortune either!!

Why am I forced to watch/listen to uncomfortable commercials about erectile dysfunction, dandruff, overactive bladder, incontinence, diarrhea, constipation, disgusting mucus, erections lasting for 7 hours; see a professional, the sad cloud that follows you around, the wellness spa you should go to because 12 step programs don’t work for you, tampons, cramps, hemorrhoids – whatever it is… I don’t care. I really really don’t. Go away.

The pharma commercials crack me up the most….because I don’t go to the doctor and say “Hey, can I get Trademarked-Brand-Name-Drug from you today?”

No, my doctor sends a script to CVS and then some dude that looks like Red Swingline Guy fills it, and probably automatically uses generic to save me money anyway.  Guess what? I have a prescription for Paxil, but I’ve been taking Paroxetine for years!

Thanks for letting me rant,

xojmo

The Year of Living Dangerously…Social

I don’t know about you, but I get a bunch of those daily email deals from Groupon and Living Social and Amazon Local.  There are some I don’t bother ordering from anymore because they were dicks! I won’t even mention them here. But..if you don’t see their name, it was probably them.

I’ve decided to take advantage of those deals this year! Already I’ve signed up for an online course to learn photography with my new digital camera.  Because right now I only know how to zoom in/out and turn the flash on/off.   I’m guessing these new fangled cameras do a lot of cool stuff.  If I learn two things, I’ll be pretty jazzed!

So there’s that! Oh and I also signed up for a class to learn how to fly for free. Oh you KNOW I’ll let you all know how it goes!!

Unrelated to those deals…I picked up a beginners kit on how to knit at Barnes and Noble.  I know how to crochet, kind of. I mean, I never really got past the single stitch but whatever. Now…I must learn how to knit!

I was trying to think up other things  I would like to do/learn this year:

  • Sew – No, I don’t know how to sew. So….shut up.
  • Sky dive
  • Go to Denver. For the…..antiques. Yeah that’s it
  • Read more
  • Watch “Say Anything” for the first time

NO, I’ve never seen “Say Anything.” No, I’m not lying. And no, I’m not kidding you.  In fact, I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently where I’m like, “Hmm, I totally thought I saw this but NONE of this looks familiar….”

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it.

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it to get it.

So there you have it… this year JMo will be going to Paint Night, and wine tastings and taking online classes to learn origami.  Who knows?! The sky is the limit…..Literally!!!!  Let me know if you see anything funky, ok?

Happy New Year, peeps!

xojmo

The War on Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I live in a state where it is the law that stores cannot open on Thanksgiving.  So I’m used to not being able to shop.

And by the looks of all the angry folks on Facebook and Twitter, NO ONE likes the idea of Thanksgiving Day shopping.  How dare you? Making families separate on Thanksgiving? For some single parents it’s the only time they will actually be home with their children?!

Wait, what? Really?  Then we all need as a country to have a discussion about that. Because I WANT people to be home with their kids and families, if that is what they want. And a single mom working so much that she doesn’t get to watch her kids grow up….that’s proof that people NEED to be paid a living wage.  Everyone wants to enjoy holidays. But everyone also wants to enjoy Saturdays and Sundays, too.  No one balks at those that work at the mall, grocery store, hotel, Disneyland, museums full of snot-nosed kids on our two days off from work – IN A ROW.  While the regular (and extremely lucky) 9-5′ers stroll amongst the beggars, trying to decide where to spend our booty.  Come now, fetch me this shoe in my size!! Now excuse me while I go home and take a nap while you still have 5 hours left on your shift.

The moment you guys let them open stores on Sundays (ONE day of rest, no more) you left the door ajar for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is nothing more than a glorified Sunday.  There is nothing holy about this holiday. In fact, the more you learn about the pilgrims and the Indians, you sort of wonder why we really “celebrate” this anymore.

Listen, those of us with big, close families (especially Italians) do a big meal/get together every Sunday.

Overheard at Italian households yesterday: “Hey didn’t we just do this?”

“Nah. We had lasagna on Sunday. Today we have Turkey. AND both days have football.”

So big fucking deal.  KMart wants to open on Thanksgiving. LET them.  I’m no less a prick on Thanksgiving as I am on a weekend.  If I expect to shop on a day I’m not working – then guess what? I’m never working on the fourth Thursday of every November. Expect me around 3pm.

The thing that sucks the most though: The peons that have to work because their rich bosses are huge pricks.  Hey, come in at 1am. But at least you didn’t have to work on Thanksgiving.

Yeah but I ate Turkey all day. And yeah, drank a little. And instead of getting a good night’s sleep…I gotta drag my ass in here so some asshole can buy a tablet for $99.

And maybe there are some cashiers that would rather work 6-12 on Thanksgiving. And then go home and get to sleep in on Friday.  I respect that.

But I would very much like people to stop acting like Thanksgiving is some sort of holy holiday. It’s a made up holiday by Butterball and Stove Top. Just like how Hallmark made up Valentine’s Day. Stores are open on Valentine’s Day, right?

Get a grip,

xojmo

What’s That Smell?

When I was in second grade, my grandmother died.  I remember riding to the funeral in a limo; my first time in such a vehicle. But this limo’s windows weren’t tinted.  I stared out at the North End neighborhood, listening to my mother sobbing near by.

I remember family members saying “I hope you remember her.”  Um, why wouldn’t I?  Hello! Grandma was awesome and loved me and took care of me. Duh.

As an adult, I can see why they would worry. Kids tend to forget stuff. Heck we all do… after a few decades right?

I never forgot her.  In fact, she always wore the same perfume.  They sell it now at Sears and Walgreens. It’s not a very popular brand anymore.  But whenever I come across a bottle (you see, I never seek it out)… I smell it and think of her.

I’ve never bought a bottle.  I used to think, “Well that’s a smell for an older lady. Maybe one day when I’m older, I will wear it.”

And when that days comes, I will buy the perfume.

But last night I had this terrible thought…What if they stop making that perfume? And one day when I actually want to go smell it to think of my grandmother… it’s gone?

That scared the hell out of me. So I vowed to buy it. I have to get my hands on a bottle as soon as possible.  That smell is the one thing that can bring me back. All the great memories.  I’m actually a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t already buy it. But the idea of it never being available to buy or smell ever again? Not okay.  Better add it to my shopping list!

Love (and miss) you Lena!!

xojmo

Holy Shit, Rolling Stone is Still Around?

A couple of days ago I had read that Dzhohkar Tsarnaev was going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone.  I paused.  Then I went on with my life.  Then I saw the picture.  I paused again.  And again, I paid it no mind and I went on with my life.

The cover of Rolling Stone neither angered me nor surprised me.  It is cheap publicity.  That’s all it is.  This is not the first time I have seen cheap publicity.  And I’m quite sure it will not be the last.

Oh, don’t know who Dzhokar is? No, it’s not that hairdresser movie with Adam Sandler.  He’s one of the men who detonated bombs at the finish line of The Boston Marathon.  The other man, his brother…died in a shoot out with police.

So that leaves the younger brother. Alive. In custody, of course. Awaiting a federal trial.

I grew up in Boston. Yes, Boston.  The city. And no, I didn’t grow up in some hell hole like Revere and then tell people I grew up in Boston.  Born and raised, baby.  Even educated at a Boston Public School.

Ok, so I get the outrage that has exploded since the news hit. BUT what I don’t get….are the retail stores that are refusing to sell this particular issue of Rolling Stone.

Excuse me? What?

I will make up my mind as to what I want to spend my money on. And for all you know, I was dying to read that article about Willie Nelson, thank you very much.

What I wouldn't give for one night on a tour bus with Willie Nelson!

What I wouldn’t give for one night on a tour bus with Willie Nelson!

Rolling Stone has the right, believe it or not, to put him on the cover.  And we have right to look right past it at the check out counter.  But let’s be honest…when was the last time Rolling Stone magazine was even at the check out counter? Um, never. At least not at CVS, one of the retailers who have decided not carry this issue.  It’ll be lost in the magazine rack you never look at it while you pass by on your way to get your herpes medication from the pharmacy.

Tell me…who has graced the cover of Rolling Stone on the last five issues?  Off the top of your head…go on.

Yeah, I have no idea either.

But if Ice-T can grace the cover dressed as a police officer AFTER “singing” a song called “Cop Killer” AND Kanye West can adorn the thorny crown of Jesus Christ on another..?. Well guess what…

As far as I’m concerned….The Bomber stays.

How many police officers have been killed? A lot right?  So are their grieving families less important because they didn’t shit a proverbial brick when Rolling Stone came out with that Ice-T cover??

I’m going to say something that is bad…I know it’s bad…and I’m going to say it anyway.

Tsarnaev has been labeled a terrorist, and rightly so.  Many people were injured and three people died.

Three.

People have said that because he is a terrorist he should not be on the cover of a magazine. O rly?

More than three, right?

More than three, right?

So maybe, just maybe…if Rolling Stone put cross  hairs in front of Tsarnaev’s face? That would’ve been okay? Decry “Public Enemy #1 – Let’s Rolling Stone him!”  That okay?

I will tell you what is the real bother: Tsarnaev is good-looking.  There. I said it.

Plain and simple.  And his cover boy good-looks fucking irks everyone.

God forbid a journalist for the irrelevant magazine Rolling Stone (honestly, when Rolling Stone put *nSync on the Cover like 15 years ago…they became irrelevant) actually wanted to write a relevant piece.  He interviewed people. And wrote a news article.

Ever think to actually read it?

GASP!!

What??????

READ a story on that terrorist who killed three people???  Blaspheme!  You want me to learn something about him before he became a terrorist?!

I’m right back to how I felt the other day: indifferent.  It’s tasteless, and pretty thoughtless. But guess what?

There are 49 other states besides Massachusetts.  And maybe his boyish good looks will make someone pick up the magazine, and maybe after they read it, some bumpkin in Idaho will get a better sense as to why and how Tsarnaev became a radical Muslim.

Plus, if I gotta get political…you should boycott Macy’s…they sold the damn pressure cooker to them! They built a bomb out of it.

Dear CVS: Stick to selling condoms and candy.  We’re all adults here and we can make our own decisions, k? If you take a stand on this, then you gotta keep making stands, and eventually…you won’t be selling anything.

All, please go get angry over other things…like men who keep women chained up in his basement for years, or factory workers killing themselves because their working conditions are unbearable (oh and those factory workers are building that nice iPhone you got there). Oh or maybe how the government is spying on all of us! Except really not doing a good job since men are bombing the marathon and keeping women chained in their basement to rape for their amusement.

GO GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN A MAGAZINE AND A PICTURE ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

No one is building a monument in his honor. It’s just a picture. Can’t we all just agree to secretly go draw dicks and jizz near his mouth when we see it in stores? That’s what I was planning on doing and now I’m not going to be able to find this magazine anywhere!!!

Got my Sharpie ready,

xojmo

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