JMo Reviews a Girlie Product!

Listen, I know it’s been a while. And this post might be shit, but look….I don’t have a muse. I haven’t been inspired. It’s like the same old shit, same old day.  I’m not ALWAYS like that. But recently it’s been a big ol’ “meh” when it comes to blogging.  But I miss it.

Ok, before my review….short of Hillary Clinton saying “Yeah I wanted everyone dead in Benghazi,” WHAT will make the GOP happy at the end of their little investigation?  Ooops. It happened. It sucks. A few Americans died. Guess what? Americans die here everyday. Wait, no, NOT at my house!! Gosh!

As you may know, or not, I’m not a gun person.  I find the 2nd Amendment to be … ridiculous.  AWESOME back in the day of our founding fathers. Not so awesome now that silly people like me are scared to go anywhere fearing that stupid people with guns will shoot me.

One of the bullshit lines I get from the NRA nuts is “Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”  Ok, well we obviously can’t control people, so how about those guns? You know…the WEAPONS that were specifically designed to kill you.  They aren’t stunners, they aren’t pepper spray.  They are guns, weapons, with bullets that will mostly likely kill you…cuz that’s like, its job. You know, that’s why you go to war with guns and not knives.

Ok, people kill people. But with a gun? Right? Cuz why aren’t I getting that argument? It’s like saying “Sail boats don’t kill people. People kill people.”  Really? Tell that to Yong Sun.

Anyway, someone on a social media site literally said “Guns solve problems.”  Meaning, I surmised, the problem of rape.  Since that was the topic at hand.

And then smoke blew out of my ears and my eyeballs fell out of my skull.

I’m sorry, now, guns don’t kill people (duh) but they do solve problems??

Guns: The Rhodes Scholar of weapons.

Why do they get to say stupid shit like that? But every time I point out ANOTHER mass shooting, I get “JMo, guns don’t kill people….” Oh shut the fuck up.

For the record, I DON’T know the answer to the gun problem.  I’m not against taking them all away from the crazies (cuz we’re all crazy in America), and yes, by Crazies I mean Everyone.

But I know that isn’t popular. So…now what? We do nothing? And allow the “normal gun lovers” to shoot us at the movie theater, Walmart, church, school, restaurants.  You know, pretty much anywhere.

How about you keep your killing machines locked away in a safe? Don’t leave it lying around for little Johnny to find and shoot his three-year old cousin. Accidentally of course. But these types of accidents kill people. Unlike, you know…spilled milk.

And only shoot them at the shooting range. And don’t mosey into Chipotle with your AK-47 strapped around you. You look like an asshole at Comic-Con.  Or my worse nightmare…a person with a gun!!!

Guns don’t solve problems. People solve problems,

xojmo

P.S. Neutrogena Makeup Removing Cleaning Towelettes – Night Calming are awesome.  I hate washing my face at night, and while I’m convinced that’s why I’m still mostly wrinkle free at my age, I really should take the makeup off. To top it off, I do use Waterproof mascara. I cry a lot, okay??

So it works on waterproof makeup. It took all my makeup off. And I didn’t have to use any water or soap! Score!!

 

 

Is the Word “Slut” Even Relevant Anymore?

What’s your number?

You already know what I’m talking about.

I hate getting older for one reason (okay there are many reasons, such as, but not limited to, I now fully understand and appreciate why the product Poise is manufactured):  Feeling like an out of touch old fogie around the young people.

I’m cool. I’m hip. I’m with it. Down with it. It’s it. What is it?

Where was I? Oh yes…sluts!

Today it’s totally normal for a 22-year-old girl’s “number” to be 20. Or higher!

That makes me wiry-haired chin drop to the floor!

She’s slept with 20 guys?? And she’s only 22! Holy shit.

That, to me, is a lot.

Ok, fine. You’re totally not a cumbucket slutbag if you’ve fucked 20 guys practically before you were of legal age to drink. P.S. Vodka doesn’t give you crabs. Keep your legs closed for a few days!

As a wise man once said back in the 19 hundreds and 90’s about what makes a woman a “low pro hoe”:

But I know she’s a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her!

Oh snap!  That is a cold hard dis right there.

But now…it takes more than the crew.

It’s the crew, the cast, the understudies, the Kraft service, and the whole damn audience!

THEN that would make her a hoe?? Maybe?

And I’m not a prude. I’m sure my earlier posts have proven that. But wow.

Rainbow Party!

Rainbow Party!

Ok, and here’s another problem with this scenario…If true, if girls are more promiscuous and more slutty than ever, what good is being a cougar then??  I thought being a cougar was all sexy like “Oh, that older lady over there has a lot of sexual experience and will do all the things that the girls at school won’t do.”

Yeah, no! Apparently those girls are already doing everything, including you and all your friends AND your enemies.  In ever position and every hole!

So what do I bring to the table? I mean, I know I’m a good lay! I got high-fived by a broad-shouldered plump lipped Jewish rugby player* who KNOWS how sex is done.  Do I wish I could have a personal reference CV when it comes to my fucking abilities…Yeah, yes I do.  But I can’t.

Because honestly….. I would if the guys would take my request seriously! References, people! Or endorse me on LinkedIn. (Ok, omg, imagine?? I’d get a lot of anonymous views after that!)

So why would a guy pick a cougar nowadays?  Oh God, don’t say money. Now I’m really screwed.

Yo slick blow,

xojmo

*Damn, SFJ, when are you going to get divorced already?

JMo Rant: Is This TV or TMI?

I was watching that stupid Quit-Smoking-Gum commercial and when the guys says, “15 days…but not in a row.” And I literally blurted out, “Guy! Who gives a shit? Fucking congratulations for quitting a habit that is literally killing you.  And I’m literally using the actual term of “literally” correctly. I could not care less that you’ve not smoked for 15 days. But not in a row.”

And then I thought, why is this guy so fucking smug? So it’s like cool to fall of the wagon but still get credit for 15 days? No. You see, no one at AA get a chip for 6 months…but you know…not in a row. There was two months in 2010. 2011 was bad. Then 3 months in 2012….

Yeah, no.  Dude, here’s how you quit smoking:   Stop buying cigarettes. And then lighting them and smoking them.

I’m honestly not trying to shit on those trying to quit smoking.  I guess I’m just thinking – I don’t give a flying fuck.  And while we’re at it, I don’t care about your ailment or disease or misfortune either!!

Why am I forced to watch/listen to uncomfortable commercials about erectile dysfunction, dandruff, overactive bladder, incontinence, diarrhea, constipation, disgusting mucus, erections lasting for 7 hours; see a professional, the sad cloud that follows you around, the wellness spa you should go to because 12 step programs don’t work for you, tampons, cramps, hemorrhoids – whatever it is… I don’t care. I really really don’t. Go away.

The pharma commercials crack me up the most….because I don’t go to the doctor and say “Hey, can I get Trademarked-Brand-Name-Drug from you today?”

No, my doctor sends a script to CVS and then some dude that looks like Red Swingline Guy fills it, and probably automatically uses generic to save me money anyway.  Guess what? I have a prescription for Paxil, but I’ve been taking Paroxetine for years!

Thanks for letting me rant,

xojmo

The Year of Living Dangerously…Social

I don’t know about you, but I get a bunch of those daily email deals from Groupon and Living Social and Amazon Local.  There are some I don’t bother ordering from anymore because they were dicks! I won’t even mention them here. But..if you don’t see their name, it was probably them.

I’ve decided to take advantage of those deals this year! Already I’ve signed up for an online course to learn photography with my new digital camera.  Because right now I only know how to zoom in/out and turn the flash on/off.   I’m guessing these new fangled cameras do a lot of cool stuff.  If I learn two things, I’ll be pretty jazzed!

So there’s that! Oh and I also signed up for a class to learn how to fly for free. Oh you KNOW I’ll let you all know how it goes!!

Unrelated to those deals…I picked up a beginners kit on how to knit at Barnes and Noble.  I know how to crochet, kind of. I mean, I never really got past the single stitch but whatever. Now…I must learn how to knit!

I was trying to think up other things  I would like to do/learn this year:

  • Sew – No, I don’t know how to sew. So….shut up.
  • Sky dive
  • Go to Denver. For the…..antiques. Yeah that’s it
  • Read more
  • Watch “Say Anything” for the first time

NO, I’ve never seen “Say Anything.” No, I’m not lying. And no, I’m not kidding you.  In fact, I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently where I’m like, “Hmm, I totally thought I saw this but NONE of this looks familiar….”

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it.

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it to get it.

So there you have it… this year JMo will be going to Paint Night, and wine tastings and taking online classes to learn origami.  Who knows?! The sky is the limit…..Literally!!!!  Let me know if you see anything funky, ok?

Happy New Year, peeps!

xojmo

The War on Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I live in a state where it is the law that stores cannot open on Thanksgiving.  So I’m used to not being able to shop.

And by the looks of all the angry folks on Facebook and Twitter, NO ONE likes the idea of Thanksgiving Day shopping.  How dare you? Making families separate on Thanksgiving? For some single parents it’s the only time they will actually be home with their children?!

Wait, what? Really?  Then we all need as a country to have a discussion about that. Because I WANT people to be home with their kids and families, if that is what they want. And a single mom working so much that she doesn’t get to watch her kids grow up….that’s proof that people NEED to be paid a living wage.  Everyone wants to enjoy holidays. But everyone also wants to enjoy Saturdays and Sundays, too.  No one balks at those that work at the mall, grocery store, hotel, Disneyland, museums full of snot-nosed kids on our two days off from work – IN A ROW.  While the regular (and extremely lucky) 9-5’ers stroll amongst the beggars, trying to decide where to spend our booty.  Come now, fetch me this shoe in my size!! Now excuse me while I go home and take a nap while you still have 5 hours left on your shift.

The moment you guys let them open stores on Sundays (ONE day of rest, no more) you left the door ajar for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is nothing more than a glorified Sunday.  There is nothing holy about this holiday. In fact, the more you learn about the pilgrims and the Indians, you sort of wonder why we really “celebrate” this anymore.

Listen, those of us with big, close families (especially Italians) do a big meal/get together every Sunday.

Overheard at Italian households yesterday: “Hey didn’t we just do this?”

“Nah. We had lasagna on Sunday. Today we have Turkey. AND both days have football.”

So big fucking deal.  KMart wants to open on Thanksgiving. LET them.  I’m no less a prick on Thanksgiving as I am on a weekend.  If I expect to shop on a day I’m not working – then guess what? I’m never working on the fourth Thursday of every November. Expect me around 3pm.

The thing that sucks the most though: The peons that have to work because their rich bosses are huge pricks.  Hey, come in at 1am. But at least you didn’t have to work on Thanksgiving.

Yeah but I ate Turkey all day. And yeah, drank a little. And instead of getting a good night’s sleep…I gotta drag my ass in here so some asshole can buy a tablet for $99.

And maybe there are some cashiers that would rather work 6-12 on Thanksgiving. And then go home and get to sleep in on Friday.  I respect that.

But I would very much like people to stop acting like Thanksgiving is some sort of holy holiday. It’s a made up holiday by Butterball and Stove Top. Just like how Hallmark made up Valentine’s Day. Stores are open on Valentine’s Day, right?

Get a grip,

xojmo

What’s That Smell?

When I was in second grade, my grandmother died.  I remember riding to the funeral in a limo; my first time in such a vehicle. But this limo’s windows weren’t tinted.  I stared out at the North End neighborhood, listening to my mother sobbing near by.

I remember family members saying “I hope you remember her.”  Um, why wouldn’t I?  Hello! Grandma was awesome and loved me and took care of me. Duh.

As an adult, I can see why they would worry. Kids tend to forget stuff. Heck we all do… after a few decades right?

I never forgot her.  In fact, she always wore the same perfume.  They sell it now at Sears and Walgreens. It’s not a very popular brand anymore.  But whenever I come across a bottle (you see, I never seek it out)… I smell it and think of her.

I’ve never bought a bottle.  I used to think, “Well that’s a smell for an older lady. Maybe one day when I’m older, I will wear it.”

And when that days comes, I will buy the perfume.

But last night I had this terrible thought…What if they stop making that perfume? And one day when I actually want to go smell it to think of my grandmother… it’s gone?

That scared the hell out of me. So I vowed to buy it. I have to get my hands on a bottle as soon as possible.  That smell is the one thing that can bring me back. All the great memories.  I’m actually a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t already buy it. But the idea of it never being available to buy or smell ever again? Not okay.  Better add it to my shopping list!

Love (and miss) you Lena!!

xojmo

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