This is Complete and/or Utter Bullshit

Tonight is the Boston Strong Concert.  Sold out in minutes. Going to be streaming live on the internet.

But for some reason…NOT GOING TO BE TELEVISED.

I’m sorry. But this is complete bullshit.  We have sat through concerts/benefits to raise money on TV for years!!

9/11, Haiti, Sandy, Oklahoma.

Can someone explain to me why this could not be a televised fundraiser for One Fund?

It’s a simple question.

I’m so bummed and insulted and angry.  Listen, I’ve already donated to One Fund many times over.  I already know how to donate. So technically I don’t need this show to do so.  But it would nice to see ALL the amazing talent that have come out of Boston ALL on one stage.

Oh well. Thanks for nothing liberal media.

(Hey, I needed to blame someone since I do not know whose fault this is)

xojmo

PS. Where the fuck is New Edition??

“Mr Telephone Man, there’s something wrong with my line. When I dial my baby’s number, I get a click every time.”

 

T.J. Maxx FAIL

First off,  if you need to pay someone to hot glue Scrabble tiles onto a frame so you can decorate your home…You have some serious issues.

Second, FAIL!! I never thought T.J. Maxx would try to sell me something THAT messed up.  And for $19.99 to boot! Tsk Tsk!

livelaughLoue always,

xojmo

How High feat. Bertouchie’s

I grew up with a father who had a very high IQ.  Who took us to see Macbeth instead of the Bruins.  I was and still am pretty smart. Both book smart and random stuff smart. I never tried to get into Mensa, but I did try to get on Jeopardy.  I didn’t make it on Jeopardy but I blame my n personality and not my IQ.

Recently, I met a guy who shared his IQ with me.  It is 126.  Higher than mine, I will admit, but not by much. At no point did he ever ask me what my IQ is.  Ok.  He then explains that 126 isn’t really that high and it just means he is really smart.

Ok, well considering the average American’s IQ is like 69, I’m pretty happy with my IQ. AND was attracted to his.  Not only is his IQ higher than mine, he just bragged that he was very smart. You have my attention….well not 100%. I had never been in the type of fancy shiny manly truck he be driving and is that a camera in your rear view mirror?!

Listen, long story short – I was leaving his place and he was giving me directions on how to get back to the highway…and he said:

“And then you take a right at Bertucci’s.”

Take a right where now?

Take a right where now?

But he didn’t pronounce it correctly.

I don’t mean to be a bitch about this, but Bertucci’s has been around for decades. It’s a fairly popular chain restaurant. And even if you’ve never eaten there, you probably know of it, and how to pronounce that word.

Ber-too-cheeze!

But not Mr. 126. Oh no…I got “Bertouchie’s.”  And then my brain exploded and imploded at the same time.

Take a right at Bertouchie’s.

And so I come to that mental fork in the road where all of these things happen in my head ALL AT THE SAME TIME:

  • Laugh
  • KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE RIGHT NOW JMO!!
  • Give a confused face
  • Ask “What did you just say?”
  • Say “It’s pronounced ‘Ber-too-cheeze!’ Fucking weirdo.”
  • Laugh more
  • Correct him
  • Feel bad for wanting to correct him

Instead, I paused (without losing my shit!!) and said “Oh ok. Thank you for the directions.”

And went on my way.

I had an outloud conversation with myself in my car that night. And it got heated right about the time we got to Bertouchie’s!

Are there people…besides Mr. 126…who pronounce it this way? On purpose? Is there some sub group of people who refuse to speak Italian in anyway and butcher chain restaurant names? Like…anyone?

So there..it just goes to show you…even those with a high IQ can be dumb as shit.

Also, you are not pretty enough to be that dumb, sweetie,

xojmo

Pakistan to India: “Oh No You Didn’t!”

I put on MSNBC to see what Chris Hayes is up to. You know, Chris Hayes, the girl version of Rachel Maddow? So I turn on “All In with Chris Hayes” and immediately see the split screen with Chris on the left and Elizabeth Warren (with a HUGE grin on, I might add) on the other side of left, and immediately I thought:

Oh Jesus. I can only imagine the most ridiculously agreeable discussion about minimum wage or something.

Seriously that is exactly what I immediately thought of when I put on MSNBC tonight. Randomly. Because I do not watch it all of the time.

So are there conservatives who turn on Fox News and immediately think: Oh Jesus. Ann Coulter and Glen Beck. Going on about what you guys go on about…like taxes and guns and ObamaCare and gays…

Ok, so listen. What I’m saying is…please let’s step away from the flames. Shut off the 24 hour cable news cycle (now that the bomber stuff is mostly over). And find something new you knew nothing about. And if you knew nothing about it and then learned something about it, you could make a decision on how you feel about it without having some talking head talk you into it first.

(*Aside: It physically hurt me to type that last sentence. My 11th grade Honors English teacher would literally have gone to town with her red pen all over that horse shit grammarphobe too long of a sentence nonsense I just wrote. She was such a raging bitch. But then I found out she had a black boyfriend and I was like…oh damn that old lady has got herself a life. Alright then! End of Aside*)

So, admittedly a left leaning show produced by Bill Mahar, HBO’s the Vice is On Demand on Xfinity and I’ve gobbled up all six. But I can’t really honestly tell myself that this is a liberals only show. Cuz it’s not. It’s a show that’s showing us, you know, THE REST OF THE WORLD OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Gosh, to me it’s almost like our politicians have us so wound up on things like birth control and abortions and guns.  Seriously? I’ll let you have all your war machines if you let us just have goddamned birth control and abortions. People are already fucking and then fucking getting rid of it a few months later. Whatever. Let’s just call the whole thing off. Agreed?

America shares space on this planet with a lot of other countries and a LOT of other people. We are not our own self-contained universe.  There are other issues that have a more global reach rather than domestic.  And we never really hear about these things. Unless it’s a threat to us. Like, North Korea and their nukes that can reach Texas. Yeah we heard about it but wrapped up in a crispy layer of Dennis Rodman.

Why are we not asking, “ok no seriously….instead of making a mockery of this story and putting it in the Entertainment section of HuffPost…..Can something those idiots built actually reach the United States of America? And if so, what the fuck do you have planned? Please tell me, you’ve got somethin’?”

Ok, so I want cold hard facts.  Vice told me some. Did you know that India and Pakistan, both nuclear capable countries, like totally hate each other and will most likely end up at war soon, AND have fantastically choreographed dance-offs with their neighboring border guards.  Seriously. This happens.

And before I go on, can I just say….I see with my own eyes, the weapons that the Indians and the Pakistani have in their “war.” It points out how AWESOME our military is and all the cool shit we have that is like the future to these guys. It also points out how awesomely huge the military budget is.  Look, war isn’t hand to hand combat anymore. Who cares? Just send a bomb or a drone or whatever. It’s all XBox stuff now. Some wicked mature 16 year old could handle it after he finishes his homework. And texting his teacher, but it’s cool because she says he’s wicked mature for his age.

So my eyes are open to this imminent war between India and Pakistan. Seriously!! Locked on and ready.  I need me some facts.

And you know what, Google “India Pakistan” and pull of the “News.” Yeah, there’s news about it. And you know it’s the same journalists who have been covering this catastrophic event in the making. Risking their lives but not getting any recognition because their story isn’t as sexy as that guy from NBC who got kidnapped but lived.

Ok well here we go random journalist guy. I choose you:

The Wall Street Journal.  Holy shit. That’s some real news right there!! So already I know this is a legit news story.

So there is this really complicated story about a Pakistani prisoner that dies in India. Already you know this isn’t good.

So even if you don’t go over and read it, you lazy fuck….here is the last paragraph:

Mr. Singh’s death raised concerns that Pakistanis in Indian prisons would be vulnerable to retaliation. There are 535 Indian prisoners in Pakistan jails and 273 Pakistani prisoners in Indian jails, India’s Ministry of External Affairs says.

Things are bubbling.  Things are brewing. And it’s happening. Like…over there. Remember…over there???

So there. My new things, away from MSNBC and Nancy Grace, is the civil unrest between India and Pakistan. The coolest was I tweeted something about it last week, and some guy who doesn’t follow  me, found my tweet and favorited it.  I mean, it’s happening. It’s real. And I just got a little cyber space high-five.  I think.

All of you…Go. Go learn something new.  Ask Jeeves some ridiculous question and see what the answers are. Maybe THAT’S a news story that needs attention.  Space travel. Polygamy, Which day was Ice Cube talking about when he said it was a good day (YES, someone found this out!! Research!), a random bone disorder that only the people in the Netherlands have.

I’m honestly tired of Benghazi and taxes and the military and all the political bullshit. This is just how it goes. This is how it is. Why do we have to be so divided? So instead of focusing just on our bullshit minutiae, we focus instead that begs a question:

So if two countries right next to themselves both nuke each other? What does that mean for us? What does that mean for the planet? Does it mean World War 3? Meaning, does some other big country like China give a shit? Like cuz if we have to pick sides you need to tell me…India or Pakistan.

And don’t assume I should pick India!!

Did you see the Vice episode about the slums of India?

OMG, do NOT get me started,

xojmo

My “Of Course But Maybe” Moment

A few weeks back I watched Louis C.K.’s comedy special on HBO.

He did a bit called “Of Course But Maybe.”  I will not even pretend to do that joke for you. You HAVE to watch it.

And then come back to my blog.

Ok. So I just had my own Of Course But Maybe. And it’s kinda fucked up. I won’t lie. But I wanted to share it with you. And maybe you can let me know if I make my case for why it’s ok because it would be pretty cool.

OF COURSE: Jodi Arias is a cruel weirdo of a woman. Who gruesomely passionately over-killed this guy she was obviously obsessed with. (And if you can honestly say to me that you have never been obsessed with someone, then I would have to question whether or not you’ve ever really been in love. Fine lines, my friends.)

BUT MAYBE: It would be pretty fucking BAD ASS of her to make a statement and go something like this: “*laugh* You know what? I am so not sorry for killing him.  I do not care what happens to me. I killed the asshole and I don’t give a shit. Oh my God.”

I mean, c’mon!! Who the fuck says shit like that? No one right? Right. BUT, crazy people?? Holy shit, sometimes crazy people sneak through.  So maybe. And then I thought…

Ok so if she said that, that would be super crazy but also super ballsy and badass and literally having an epic ‘I do not give a shit anymore, you mother fuckers’ moment. Which should in no way be publicized because she is sooooo evil.

How long would I have to wait before someone autotuned it?

xojmo

Disclaimer: The first part of his bit is in regards to nut allergies…which is very serious.

Just…Be Quiet! No One Knows Who That Is

Today the news had to publicize another celebrity death.

“Chris Kelly dies”

This was me: Oh shit! Did R. Kelly die?”

Wait, who the fuck is Chris Kelly? Did he say Chris Brown?

Only then am I told who the fuck Chris Kelly is.  Much to my dismay, it’s neither Chris Brown nor R. Kelly…but rather to even more dismay – one of the kids that was in Kriss Kross.

Now, for those who don’t know, I love everything 90s: Especially, but not limited to, R&B, rap, pop, alternative and gansta rap.

So, OF COURSE I know who Kriss Kross is.

Don’t try to compare us to another bad little fad
I’m the Mac and I’m bad give you something that you never had
I’ll make ya Jump Jump wiggle and shake your rump
Cause I’ll be kicking the flavor that makes you wanna Jump
How high? Real high
Cause I’m just so fly
A young loveable, huggable type of guy
And everything is the back with a little slack
Cuz inside-out is wiggida wiggida wack
Come on. IF someone doesn’t know this song…then I honestly don’t want to know them.

So on only is this song wiggida wiggida wack, the kids in Kriss Kross…WORE THEIR CLOTHES ON BACKWARDS. ON PURPOSE.

Oi, the two members of Kriss Kross were: kid with little curly dreads, and the other one who didn’t have that hairdo.

So which one was it?

Chris Kelly.

What? Just…be quiet! No one knows who that is! We don’t actually know their names.  Wait, wasn’t one of the “Mack Daddy” and the other “Daddy Mack?”

Wait. Seriously…names? Ok fine. But I didn’t know his name.

And that is kinda sad, right? Because he was so popular with a popular song and no one knew who he was as an artist.

Feel kind bad.

Dear Chris Kelly,

You have a very Irish name. I don’t mean anything by that. Anyway, I heard you died. I’m really sorry to hear that. I wanted to thank you for putting a smile on my face twenty-something years ago. And even today when you come on SiriusXM.  Believe it or not, but you made a difference in my life. You make me sing. You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me remember fun fucking times.

Honestly – Thank you, Chris Kelly. All I know is that Jesus better be jumpin’ right now.

xojmo

 

“jmo gets shot and killed”

From time to time, I am amused by what search terms get people to my blog. But today I noticed that someone searched “jmo gets shot and killed” and somehow go to me!

What the hell is with that? That’s not very nice. Plus, if you have an issue with me or are fantasizing that I get shot and killed at least email me and share this!!

And what a non-shocker…dying because I was shot with a gun. C’mon!! Not even clever. I already know that I’m going to get shot and killed by some NRA sicko.

Ok that’s all. Why don’t you all go back for searching “Alec Baldwin’s hairy chest” please?!

xojmo

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