There is a reason why I usually only read non-fiction or true crime books nowadays. And the reason is simple:
Real life is seriously bat shit crazy enough. Yes you can make up crazy shit like The Exorcist or Silence of the Lambs (yes, kids, both were books before they were movies. Jesus Christ go read something!! With actual pages to turn. You don’t have to plug in a book. Be a rebel…dog ear those pages. That book is yours! Oh yeah! You can do whatever filthy things, like dog ears and GASP! writing in pen on the pages, you like to it.), but I’m pretty sure I can find you more bat shit cray-cray that real actual live people did.
Anyway, I kinda stumbled across this AMAZINGLY EPIC SUPER AWESOME I’M IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING HOW COMPLETELY FASCINATING ENTERTAINING STORY and I would like it very much if you would go read it.
Do me a favor…seriously go open this and read it. I feel like if this were a movie, no one would believe it. That’s kinda how I gauge bat shit crazy. If I couldn’t believe it in a plot line in movie, then it’s bat shit crazy real life.
So now that you’ve read it, can I go over my favorite parts?
You know what, fuck it….I gotta go paragraph by paragraph right now. This story is the most riveting thing EVER right now. Granted my other choices are Ripper on BBCAmerica (I’m really trying. But the constant English accents all the time…ahhhhh…you guys are not Harry Potter so I’m losing interest fast. Granted oral sex in the first 30 seconds of the first show is like Game of Thrones territory. Hurrah producers of Ripper. Speaking of Ripper, were they like: How do we make a successful show right now? Let’s see, Downton Abbey is popular so we’ll use old-timey England and their fancy accents. And wardrobes from the 1800′s. Dexter has murders so we’ll have a serial killer too. A la Jack the…Ripper – Name of TV show. Wham. And I didn’t even get to the zombies, vampires and Abu Nazir.) and find a job. Ew. So on to most EPIC story of all time.
Must give kudos to Mr. Dave Collins of the Associated Press. Whatever the prize is for writing the best story of the year – the Peabody, the Edward R. Morrow…? What is it? I, as my readers know, am too lazy to actually go Google something in the middle of my writing. So, you sir…deserve, at the very least, a shout out from a no-name (It’s JMo) blogger on the interwebz.
So here we go. Feel free to print this out and read it on the toilet later. It’s okay.
(The symbol is for Paragraph you dumb assholes! JK. LOL. YOLO!)
“HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) — To onlookers, Monsignor Kevin Wallin’s fall from grace at his Connecticut parish was like something out of ‘‘Breaking Bad,’’ the television series about a high school chemistry teacher who becomes a methamphetamine lord.”
Right off the bat, even if you aren’t Catholic, you gotta assume that the term “Monsignor” is at least a fancy one, right? So you kinda assume he’s a BFD. “Fall from grace” follows up with a nice religious tone, so you know he’s some sort of holy roller guy. Oh and parish, obvs. But this is a different Parish than the ones down in LA. That’s Louisiana. Not Los Angeles.
THEN, they hook you with Breaking Bad, WHICH, everyone knows is about a do-gooder chemistry teacher gets stuck with the big C and kinda sorta wants to cook meth to make money, and then he kinda does, and then he kinda becomes Scarface. It’s a great show. So, oooooh, ok you’re saying Mr. Holy Roller turns out to be Mr. Heisenberg? I’m hooked!
At this point, I gotta go back to the point in the story that everyone ignores: The location. Scan back and WHOA, Hartford CT. Ew, isn’t that a shit hole? I went there a couple of times for Whalers games when I was like 16 (aged myself!). But I remember shit hole.
Ok so right off, we gotta a meth cooking priest living in a shit hole. I’m on board! Can’t be any worse than Honey Boo-Boo. WHICH JMo refuses to watch because TLC literally subtitles the show. And from what I’ve heard, these people are American right? And they speak English? No? They must not if they need subtitles. I’m sorry. That’s just gross. And the Republicans hate Obama cuz he’s half black BUT is well-educated and can speak AMERICAN English which isn’t that what Toby Keith wants us to speak or whatever? But Republicans don’t hate Honey Boo-Boo? Why??? See? This is why I won’t watch. Gives me stress.
“The suspended Roman Catholic priest was arrested on federal drug charges this month for allegedly having methamphetamine mailed to him from co-conspirators in California and making more than $300,000 in drugs sales out of his apartment in Waterbury in the second half of last year.”
First begging question: “suspended”…meaning? Is suspended now, OR WAS on a suspension when he was arrested? Ok Federal Drug charges are pretty bad right? Isn’t that like across state lines? YES. I was right. California. Ok, seriously, he needs his meth shipped in from California? I’m ashamed of you Hartford. I thought you were a Meth cooking shit hole. This is your monsignor! Sinners.
Holy shit! $300,00?! Wait is that a lot of money? And I’m sorry, sold drugs out of his apartment? Like he has his own pad somewhere or he was living in the rectory? These are the things I am dying to know. And oh boy, this story does NOT disappoint!
Next two ¶
“Along the way, authorities said, he bought a small adult video and sex toy shop in the nearby town of North Haven named ‘‘Land of Oz & Dorothy’s Place,’’ apparently to launder all the money he was making. He has pleaded not guilty, and jury selection in his trial is scheduled to begin March 21.”
WHAAAAAAAAT??? Is that not the greatest paragraph ever written inside of an AP news story? I am so jealous that Dave got to write that.
He’s a Catholic Priest and he thinks “Hey Jesus on Earth, now that I am dealing Meth out of my apartment, where should a celibate man of the cloth properly launder his money?”
And why, why of all things would you call it “Land of Oz & Dorothy’s Place?” Is there some sort of erotica stories floating around in fetish sex world about Wizard of Oz? I really don’t want to know about that. And I certainly do not want to Google that and have it seared onto my brain, like when I Googled “Fisting.” I can never truly go back to the innocent I was before.
Catholic Priest deals Cali meth out of his apartment and launders drug money through Kinky Wizard of Oz Flying Monkeys Munchkins Green Lady Melts When You Get Her Wet Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Glory Hole Sex Store? I’m completely hooked. Can this story get any better, dare I ask?
“On social media sites, people couldn’t help but compare Wallin with Walter White, the main character on ‘‘Breaking Bad’’ who was making so much cash that he and his wife bought a car wash to launder their profits. He has also been dubbed in some media as ‘Monsignor Meth.’”
A friggin’ media nickname like TomKat, Brangelina and my favorite, Bennifer?
Monsignor Meth!!! Classic. Love it. Dear Hollywood, Shoot this movie now. xojmo
Ok and now for a whole bunch of paragraphs. I seriously have so much to get to, I’m giddy.
“Wallin, 61, was the pastor of St. Augustine Parish in Bridgeport for nine years until he resigned in June 2011, citing health and personal problems. He previously served six years as pastor of St. Peter’s Church in Danbury until 2002.
He was granted a sabbatical in July 2011. The Diocese of Bridgeport suspended him from public ministry last May.
Diocesan officials become concerned about Wallin in the spring of 2011 after complaints about his appearance and erratic behavior, diocese spokesman Brian Wallace told the Connecticut Post.
Some reports of his behavior were startling.
‘‘We became aware that he was acting out sexually — with men — in the church rectory,’’ Wallace told the newspaper, adding that church officials deemed the sexual behavior unbecoming of a priest and asked Wallin to resign.”
Ok I do need to bullet at this point.
- This dude was 61. Excuse my French, Father, but how does an old fucking priest from OH WAIT. he’s from Bridgeport. Not Hartford. I see, the AP office must be in AP. In that case, I apologize to Dave Collins for calling Hartford a shit hole. I totally meant that Bridegport is a shit hole! How does an old fucking priest from CONNECTICUT (!!!) start getting shipments of meth from somebody (???) in California and then find people to sell it to? And no one ever says “Hey did Father Wallin like sell you drugs today? You remember, our priest from church?”
- Citing health and person problems. Such as…?
- Ok what sort of appearance? Like, doesn’t shave or shower anymore? Or like wearing Nazi Youth uniforms?
- Erratic behavior? Such as…?
- “Startling?” Holy shit. What could be startling?
- This whole paragraph: ‘‘We became aware that he was acting out sexually — with men — in the church rectory,’’ Wallace told the newspaper, adding that church officials deemed the sexual behavior unbecoming of a priest and asked Wallin to resign.”
Okay. Clearly this paragraph is the second greatest paragraph ever written by an AP writer if not the greatest ever. Again, jelly.
Let’s break it down:
“We became aware” = People started complaining and threatening to call the police because…
“he was acting out sexually” = Dear baby Jesus no. Not with little boys. Please God.
“with men” = YES!! Just regular adult gay men stuff. OH, now the Wizard of Oz gay stuff kinda makes sense!! I guess. If he’s gay. Wait. With MEN, acting out sexually with men…
“in the church rectory” = O. M. G. As much as I want to discuss the word “rectory” and how it adds nicely to the story in an aural way, I overall dislike the word and rate it at a “moist” level. But seriously, Oh my God, can we recap?
Catholic Priest deals Cali meth out of his apartment and launders drug money through Kinky Wizard of Oz Flying Monkeys Munchkins Green Lady Melts When You Get Her Wet Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Glory Hole Sex Store nicknamed “Monsignor Meth” was acting out sexually with men in the rectory of the church at which he monsignored which the diocese became aware of ….how? He was doing it with Magic Mike during tea time? Or like the other priests heard two dudes banging through the walls and then had the balls to complain? HA!
Wait, who is this Wallace guy. Damn I really don’t pay attention when I read stuff huh? That’s really bad. Wait, what’s bad? I don’t remember!
So I actually go back and look: If I don’t look up who The Wallace Guy is, I will just always think of Wallace and Gromit. And cheese of course! The Wallace guy, it turns out, is Brian Wallace the diocese spokesman. OMG.
Like, this is Brian’s job. To actually TALK, in all seriousness, about this INSANE and kinda unbelievable and still icky story. Think about the day you hated your job like you never hated your job before. And now multiply that by 50 and I bet that still doesn’t reach Brian’s shittiest day ever. Kudos now going out to Brian Wallace.
But then Mr. Wallace had to utter these words: “church officials deemed the sexual behavior unbecoming of a priest and asked Wallin to resign.”
Say what now? Hold up. You’re telling me that a grown ass man, who granted did say he’d abstain from sex for God blah blah blah, was actually having sexual relations with another grown man in his home (that’s stretching it, I know) AND THAT IS WHAT CHURCH OFFICIALS DEEM SEXUAL BEHAVIOR UNBECOMING OF A PRIEST? AND THAT IS WHAT GETS THE DIOCESE TO ASK A PRIEST TO RESIGN?
See, this is why I am not a reporter who interviews people. Because my follow-up questions would be, “So what you are saying, Mr. Wallace, is that the Catholic Church frowns upon consensual adult gay sex, BUT molesting children is somehow okay?’
And I’d get fired. Because you don’t ask follow-up questions like that. Because people don’t asks questions like that anymore. It’s blunt and to the point, and maybe disrespectful. But c’mon….those kids. The lies the priests and the church told. Let them move from parish to parish and destroy more lives. And not only that, they asked him to resign? I’m sorry, the church can’t fucking FIRE some weird perverts ass? And NO I am not calling him a pervert for having sex with a man. I’m saying it because of his sex store name!
Do it the old way….cross to bear. Maybe public stoning? Or just banish him to hell with Satan. I dunno. Ask him to resign is WAY too nice. I’m thinking….Scarlett Letter!
So at this point, I’ve lost my lust for this story. Now I’m all pissy.
So it brings up the topic of the Church’s sexual abuse history and that makes me SO MAD! That really was when I started questions Catholicism and whether or not I was Catholic and am I even religious at all. And do I believe in God…and all that bullshit. And not because the priests actually abused this children – I mean, THAT is terrible. But because the church turned a blind eye. And let them continue the terror.
I can’t even imagine. As a child I was so afraid of Confession. First you gotta remember that little saying in the beginning and then decide (as a child!!!) to go face to face with the priest or hide behind the screen. HUH? Ok that’s already super creepy to a kid, but no matter how creeped out I felt, it was actually the worst nightmare of someone else. I’m sure that’s not something that you’ll ever forget either. And I bet the pain doesn’t go away after time. And yes you have the right to be mad and sad and scared. Jesus. Jesus would NOT have let this happen to those kids. When you look to the Catholic leaders you turn to who? The Pope? Who lives in a palace full of gold and jewels? Seriously? And children starve somewhere in the world? Again, Is That What Jesus Would Do? ITWJWD!
Is that what Jesus would do? Accumulate gold, jewels and money. And hoard it like those Americans hoard cats and newspapers. And do nothing with it all. Yet, they could feed all of those who are hungry. And yet, they won’t. Or don’t. And why?
And wait, let’s go back to you knowing about the sex abuse to little kids by priests, but you allowed the priests to keep being priests??? It just seems like an oxymoron. I mean, it’s one thing when priests have babies with pretty widows. You look the other way. But my God…children? No. That is not what Jesus would do.
So, yeah, I lost my love affair with Monsignor Meth and the rest of that story. I guess the only other great thing about that story (besides the nun who thinks we should pray for MM because he’s too far from God and he was tempted by evil. Really? It’s not that he’s a money hungry horny dude?) is that this was brought before a federal grand jury. And most of the time, federal crimes aren’t THAT exciting. So their jury duty is just like every other jury duty. So imagine you gotta drag your ass into boring jury duty AND YOU GET THE MONSIGNOR METH CASE?
That’s a pretty good day to have jury duty AND be chosen, I must say.
To my readers: Thank you for reading over 2700 words. Some of which were actually written by Mr. Dave Collins and Mr. Wallace A. Gromit.
I enjoy writing so I hope you enjoy reading!
P.S. So I decided to look up St. Augustine for the h-e-double-hockeysticks for it.
It starts off by telling me that he lived in Hippo Regius which is present day Algeria.
And there’s a pic on the page of the Saint, and he’s a total white dude.
Now I’m thinking, “Am I really supposed to believe that there were white dudes in robes in Algeria in the year 387 and then at some point it became mostly not white (I can only presume. I’ve never been nor actually researched it). So I finally push it out of my mind, and I read on about St. Augustine….
According to his contemporary Jerome, Augustine “established anew the ancient Faith.”
Between the elderly Monsignor who laundered drug money through a sex store and Jerome…I can’t make this shit up. Read something!! I did and look at all the entertaining things I learned! And shared. Sharing is caring. B.S. I’m tired. Too tired to reread and fix grammatical issues. Too tired to tag. Will revisit tomorrow.
“There’s a great big beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day…”