Fifty First Tinder Dates IV: The Friend

Sometimes on the dating apps, romance doesn’t bloom (blossom? Which one sounds better?). But a friendship might. And that’s what happened with one of my Tinder matches: Let’s call him Andy. I wrote my name on the bottom of Andy’s shoe, and now we are friends. He’s got a friend in me. Etc. Etc. We are strictly friends. We just have fun together and it doesn’t matter that there is an age difference.

Andy is well into his 20’s but I am 18 years older than him. In my defense, I look ten years younger than I really am. But only sometimes, apparently, because the funniest thing happened to me a few days ago, but also the most horrifying:

Andy and I rolled up to a convenient store one night. Let’s just say that Andy isn’t the most conscientious guy when it comes to shit going on around him. Clueless!  He jumped out of my car, and was practically at the door of the store before I even closed my car door. I was able to witness his BLOWING past an older lady (Older than me, thank you!), limping, of course. Leaving us both in his dust. Not surprisingly he didn’t bother to hold the door for either one of us.

Out on the store’s front stoop, I apologized for “his behavior” and gladly said “Please, you first” while hobbling up the walkway. I was able to hold the door for her to go in before me, when she turns back to declare:

“I’m so lucky. My son is very polite.”

For a nanosecond I tried to figure out: ‘Wait, does she think Andy is my son…’ but almost immediately, I agreed with her. Because, why not? This is hilarious!

“You ARE very lucky. I wish mine was.”

And once I got into the store, I made sure I went up to Andy and very loudly asked, “Did you hear that? Her son is polite! You embarrass me.”

And without missing a beat, Andy says, “Sorry, mom.”

Then we laughed. It was cool. No big deal. OMG, I look old enough to be my friend’s mom. Shoot me! When did I get so old??

After that I wondered, should I have just announced “Oh, that’s not my son – We’re fucking!” But I couldn’t even say that since it’s not true. Granted, neither is our mother/son relationship. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Andy’s “mom” has got it going on,








“I’m happy your husband cheated on you!”

That’s what someone said to me, as an insult, not too long ago.

I responded by declaring, “So am I!” Insinuating that I’m now better off after the man that I loved, trusted and married got his boss pregnant less than a year after we got married.

Yes, I’m happy too! He got married to his pregnant mistress and had another kid after the “oops.” They moved to Florida, where I always wanted to move. Into a big house with a pool, two kids, and a dog.

So happy that while he was off vacationing with her where we honeymooned (during what would have been our first anniversary), I was scraping myself off the bottom of the barrel after trying (and failing) to end my life. Sometimes seeing up to three different therapists a week. Happy.

Happy that while I have lost 157 pounds, he is obsese and bald: yet he’s still married. And no one has declared they loved me since the last time he ever told me. But so, so happy.

In all seriousness, my ex and I shouldn’t have gotten married. I learned a lot of life sessions then, and since then. I honestly do not care about him at all. But does it hurt me that my life never got better after his betrayal (and lack of any explanation or apology) while I put on a smile for all of you? It really fucking does.

I don’t know why men don’t like me. I know I’m tough to love, but so are a lot of other people who have somehow found love. I feel like the universe is punishing me but I have no idea why.

And before you tell me that I will find love when I’m not looking, just please go fuck off into that good night. How many lonely holidays and birthdays must I “celebrate” while I’m not looking? Since 14 isn’t enough, maybe 15? 20?

I am definitely crying writing this. As I hit middle age, I mourn the life I thought I was going to have. Panic when I think about the life I currently have (and don’t want). I don’t have a purpose. I have no love. I have nothing. I wish I died that day. Because right now, looking back on my life and struggles, it just hasn’t been worth it.

Anyway, that’s where I am mentally right now. It’s a bad place. I just want to be someplace else.

I just want to be happy.


Bastille Appreciation Post – #1: All This Bad Blood


Bastille in front of the Green Monster – Fenway Park, Boston, MA

(Sorry. The spacing is completely messed up on this story and I’ve tried to fix it multiple way and times. It just won’t cooperate. I do apologize for the messy look. – jmo)

I know I’ve written about Bastille before and the first time I ever heard them. I won’t go back into that. Please feel free to go read that post.

BUT I really did want to write an appreciate post of their songs because, as a writer I get PISSED when I read or hear things THAT ARE AWESOME AND I DID NOT THINK OF FIRST. And there are so many great lyrics on Bastille’s albums, and I thought I would pull them out, song by song.

The first album I will be doing is All This Bad Blood. This is a special two disc album which was released, I think, around 2012. Anyway, it just goes to show you that Bastille has been around a while. And the other night at their show when I told a couple of guys, “Yeah I’ve seen them a bunch of times!” – they were confused because honestly, they thought Bastille just hit the scene with Marshmellow’s “Happier” last year.


Dan Smith is an angel, and also the lead singer/writer of these wonderful songs. So without any further ado, all the lyrics/words that make me mad that I didn’t think of putting them together first.

Disc 1:

a.) Pompeii

“But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?”

b.) Things We Lost in the Fire

“…ticket stubs and your diaries. I read them all one day, when loneliness came and you were away. Oh, they told me nothing new, but I love to read the words you used.”

c.) Bad Blood

“All this bad blood here, won’t you let it dry? … It’s been cold for years, won’t you let it lie?”

“Oh, I feel overjoyed, when you listen to my words. I see them sinking in. Oh I see them crawling underneath your skin. Words are all we have…”
“These streets are yours, you can keep them. In my mind it’s like you haunt them. And passing through I think I see you, in the shapes of other women.”
“All that you desired, when you were a child was to be old. Now that you are here, suddenly you fear you’ve lost control. Do you like the person you’ve become?”
g.) Icarus
Icarus is flying too close to the sun. And Icarus’ life is only just begun. And this is how it feels to take a fall. Icarus is flying towards an early grave.”
“Are you going to age with grace? Are you going to leave a path to trace?”
i.) Flaws
“You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve. And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground. Dig them up! Let’s finish what we started. Dig them up! So nothing’s left undone.”
“And felled in the night by ones you think you love – They will come for you!”
“But, this is your heart. Can you feel it? … Pumps through your veins. Can you feel it?”
“The birds are mocking me. They call to be heard. The birds are mocking me. They curse my return!”
Disc 2:
j.) Poet
Seriously, literally all the words. I love this song so much. Unreal lyrics. Wow.
“Obsession it takes control,
Obsession it eats me whole.
I can’t say the words out loud,
So in a rhyme I wrote you down.
Now you’ll live through the ages,
I can feel your pulse in the pages.
I have written you down
Now you will live forever
And all the world will read you
And you will live forever
In eyes not yet created
On tongues that are not born
I have written you down
Now you will live forever
Your body lies upon the sheet,
Of paper and words so sweet.
I can’t say the words,
so I wrote you into my verse.
Now you’ll live through the ages,
I can feel your pulse in the pages.”
“It is not enough to be dumbstruck. Can you fill the silence? You must have the words in that head of yours. And oh, oh, can you feel the silence? I can’t take it anymore. Cause it is not enough to be dumbstruck. Can you fill the silence?”
l.) Haunt
“I’ll come back to haunt. Memories will taunt you. And I will try to love you.”
“There’s an albatross around your neck. All the things you’ve said, and the things you’ve done, can you carry it with no regrets? Can you stand the person you’ve become?”


“Oh, you go to sleep on your own and you wake each day with your thoughts. And it scares you being alone. It’s a last resort.”
“Grey and brown, the seventies. The suits you wore, and the ones you loved were so young.”

< div>”I’ll see you in the future when we’re older. And we are full of stories to be told. Cross my heart and hope to die, I’ll see you with your laughter lines.”

“Don’t listen to your friends. See the despair behind their eyes. Don’t listen to your friends. They only care once in a while.”
r.) Skulls

“I don’t want to rest in peace. I’d rather be the ghost that annoys you. I hope I can make you laugh, six feet down when we’re bored of each other.”


For those of you in the know, there are a few other songs on this album that I did not list here. They are essentially covers of other songs. Since Dan did not write those, I did not include them here.
I enjoyed putting this together. I adore this band and their songs. The words on this album in particular are very stirring. I don’t necessarily feel like the songs being released now are that way – but I will get to those as well.
Until next time,