Are You Ready For It?

Some of what I write may be old hat to you, or perhaps you are a new reader and it’ll all be spanking brand new!

Recently, I have become ill.  In fact, it could be fatal.  I don’t talk about it, only because I do not want my diagnosis to define me, nor do I want people to only think of that when they see me or think of me.

I’ve been in the hospital a couple of times and definitely lucked into a great team of medical professionals who went ahead with an aggressive treatment plan. Yes, I have side effects. But so far it’s worth it.

I took time off from writing because I needed to dedicate time to me. Without sharing it with the world. Because honestly, it doesn’t get me anything. Every once in a while someone will comment something nice or will actually hit the like button. But otherwise, my words float aimlessly out on (in?) the internet.

That’s my problem though. I WANT to be worthy. I WANT someone to want me. I want to be important. Not because I’m sick. But because I’m a person, and a smart, funny one too. I think I’m worth spending time with. But yet, I’m always alone. This is not an exaggeration.

Just when I think I’ve hit the apex of loneliness, of which, of course, I’ve shared with the world wide web – I go higher. Or really – lower.

Without a partner, what is the point? And before you give me some appropriate meme, I’ve traveled alone, I’ve gone to museums and movies alone – I am not a hermit. But…oh the but…what is the point? You know, I had so much I wanted to say, but I’m not even going to bother.  Because, ironically, what is the point of it? Waxing poetic about suffering without love. Not like it’s going to get me someone. If so, it would’ve happened years ago.

So yes, suffering without love. Maybe if I got love from the typical places I wouldn’t be like this? My mother, the parent that raised me and the woman I’ve loved so much and cared for her… she is spiteful. Cruel. Stubborn.

For a reason I’m unaware of, nor of any reason I can fathom – she told me to kill myself in front of her; this was during a time when she was pissed at me for being down about what was happening to me, and that’s what she ultimately told me to do. Me. Her daughter and a survivor of a previous suicide attempt years ago.

I’m a complicated person, but Jesus, must it all be THIS COMPLICATED? So yeah, it might be sort of nice to have someone to lean on…both emotionally and physically. To laugh with. To play Jeopardy! with.

Is it really too much to ask? Not interested in marriage. I am not interested in having children of my own. I just want to chill. Travel (to Disney, obvs).  Sit down with you and say, “Can you believe my mother said that?!” And if he knew us well enough, he would probably say, “yes.”

Ok, you guys. New year (2018? How did this happen?). Same me. Well, hopefully healthier. Happier even, dare I say?

If you have that someone special in your life, a spouse – whatever: Just please think about how lucky you are. Look how desperate I am to have something that’s so normal and boring. But for me, it’s just been so elusive. It’s been nearly impossible not to go insane spending so much time alone. Or with the extremely cruel. (big sigh)

Send good vibes. I’m just some stranger, but gosh, I could use some good vibrations right now!



Found My Way

Just when I think,
"I have found my way"
Turnaround and look:
The past's back to stay.

"Go away! Go away!"
Tears squeeze my eyes tight.
"Go away! Go away!
I'm not ready for this fight."

But a fight there is,
More familiar than ever.
And this time I wonder,
'Will my past stay forever?'

With answers unknown,
The future unclear,
I succumbed to the nightmares -
My very worst fear.

I'm out of control!
Locked here in this bubble.
Not sure of the path
To take after this stumble.

But you've helped me to focus,
Gave me tools to move on.
Slowly opened my eyes
As the dark turns to dawn.

There are angels among us.
That much I know.
I can never repay you
For the hope that grows.

And maybe, who knows,
There will come a day
When I'll say it and mean it:
I have finally found my way.

Dedicated to m.s.e.