Jumping Off the Deep End

This meme is in jest. Because, seriously, A Star is Born wrecked me emotionally. I never saw nor knew anything about the other versions except, “Wasn’t that a movie with Kris Kristofferson?” And while I love Gaga AND Bradley Cooper (Alias Alum, hello?!) I had not a lot of interest in seeing this movie. But a friend of mine wanted to see it, so there I was. And I was NOT prepared for the overwhelming emotions (see: sobbing. And for the record, I am not a huge crier at movies. Movies are fake.) I was going to experience. And not just me, even. I think my whole row was also crying, one woman I did not know, three seats down, sounded like I felt inside…loud, uncontrollable heaving type sobbing. I hate to reuse the word ‘sobbing’ again because there are so many impeccable words in my language, but it’s what it was. I had napkins and tissues, some already used, strewn about my lap and purse. Alternating between stuffing them under my eyes as tears gushed down my face (farewell decent makeup job). And just covering my whole entire face, blocking the screen as if it were a horror movie. My whole body jerked as I sat there, knowing full fucking well that THAT is Lady Gaga (pointing) and HE is Bradley Cooper (points over there) and they are not Ally and Jackson, so why the fuck am I crying like this? Because life. Life is hard for some people. I know because it’s been hard for me sometimes, okay, a lot. And seeing Jackson close that garage door fucking stabbed me right in the heart. I cry now just writing about it.

(Spoilers, like Winter, is coming)

If you are #depressed and have struggled with thoughts of #suicide at any point in your life, this movie may #trigger you. I realized it had nothing to do with Bradley or Jackson. The metaphor, purposeful or not, was perfect: Jackson shuts out the world because the pain and suffering was too much to LIVE WITH anymore. And what he did inside, unfathomable to most, is what made the most sense to him. To end that pain. His life. While Charlie (Bradley’s actual dog IRL, unrelated to the heavy topic) cluelessly yet lovingly waits for him right on the other side of that garage door. Like his fans. They love him, but they don’t know him at all. And all the love in the world, even from those you do know (wife, brother) can’t grab that belt out of your hands when the time comes. So, yeah I cried because I have proverbially been inside that garage. And it’s really fucked up. And it’s scary. And it physically hurts, not just mentally and emotionally. Nothing to be proud of, but you wouldn’t believe the bravery it takes to fall into the unknown. Knowing only that anything, everything is better than this this.

Otherwise, the movie was okay, I guess.

xojmo

P.S. Here is the real fucking moment/meme. A moment everyone should experience at least once in their life because it feels really fucking good when the guy you like makes you feel special. It also helps if he is a super famous rich singer too.

Fall Magic

Could you just
Notice me this once
It would make me feel
Quite honestly, all the feels, unreal

Can you maybe
This one time just
Say hi to me first
Quench my attention thirst

Then, maybe, late one night
Beneath a still moonlight
You’ll think of me, random, while walking
Which will lead to us talking

And just like that
The glance, a terse first hello
That late night stroll
Will bring us together
Hopefully, maybe magically,
This Fall