How Porn Is Just Like Books!

     I’m about to explain to you how pornography is like books.  Can’t find much they share in common?  Put on your thinking caps because you’ll need to do a lot of reading between the lines, if you know what I mean. 

     At some point in our lives we were exposed to books.  We didn’t even know what books were…and then one day, one of your friends had a book and you were curious about it.  Or maybe you found a book in your parents’ bedroom. Or maybe your dad shared his favorite book with you when you turned 16 (hopefully this pertains to boys only).  I don’t know what freaky shit went down in your house.  All I’m saying is that one day in your life you SAW a book.

     And then you got to read a book for yourself.  Some folks frown upon your reading too many books in your lifetime.  The more you read, the more at risk you are of getting AIDS, I mean, nearsightedness.  So you only actually READ the books occasionally, and other times, you just look at them.  A visual aid, if you will.  Picture books even. 

     So one day you thought, “Affirmative!  I really really really really really really like the actual reading of books but I also like just looking at a book.  Not actually going through with the action of READING or anything, but just, like, looking at a book sitting on a shelf. Or maybe multiple books on one shelf all mixed up.” 

      Or you thought,

      “I don’t like books of any kind and they should all be burned!! Sinners!” 

      If you are the latter, then I’m sorry…the ride ends here for you.  But for the rest of you who are on board with books….Remember RIF?  Reading is Fun!  Hell yeah it is!  Please continue below.

      So you looked at a book.  You’ve established that you like books and are interested in looking at other books.  These other books are good too.  You like these books.  These books are all crime/mystery novels.  You like those.  They interest you.  You know they don’t interest everyone because your friend Tracy likes romance books.  So that’s where Tracy and you branch off from one another.  You to the crime/mystery novels section of the Library. (And can we just pause right here for a moment…This is directed at all the folks who pronounce “library” like “liebeary.”  Huh?  Excuse me?  Have you not seen this word printed before?  Do you not see that letter R sitting smack in the middle of the word? Sorry.  I’ll get back to mystery books.)  And Tracy to romance.  

     So the crime/mystery book you looked at was written by Genna Gameson (pronounce that G like as in giraffe and not garage. Thanks).  You think you might like some of her other books.  So you start to explore those and you like them.  Then maybe in those crime books, you discover that you like that the stories always revolve around two cop ladies who go out on the beat together at night and use glass nightsticks.  So you’re thinking, “You know what, I think I like cop ladies who are partners with one another” books.  But then at the same time your brain is also thinking, “But I kind of like those glass nightsticks they were using.  They looked really fun and funky and maybe I want to research more about that in some other books not written by Genna Gameson.” 

      So now your own BRAIN is branching off.  It can’t get enough.  

     (Out of curiosity, has anyone gotten hurt or maimed at any point so far? Nope. Ok, so things look pretty innocent. Just passing some leisure time looking at books in the privacy of your own home.  Not bothering anyone.  Go on.)

      Part of your brain goes one way to the “Ladies of the Night” book series with characters such as Moana Simore and Bombshell McGhee. 

     And the other to the glass nightsticks, handcuffs, and straight jacket section. Hold up!  “Did she say straight jacket? Do they even have that?”  Answer: Don’t know.  But I know that Tiava.com would know.  Look there.  (Disclaimer: Please do not go there if you are a not a pervert.  Thank you.)

     So then one day, you’re all like “Ok, I still like the cop ladies series, but I’m sort of digging the relationship between Bombshell and her new beau, Gesse Games.  (Remember:  giraffe.  Not garage). His book series is about a motorcycle gang.  And now I think I want to look at romance books too.  Those interest me now.  But I still like motorcycles and leather chaps too!  I like having the freedom to look at whichever books I want.  I’m a responsible adult who can make decisions for me.  Hurrah for being a grown up!!”

     So now you have all these books on your shelf.  Crime, mystery, glass nightsticks, leather, cuffs, batons, missionary, celebrity, maybe once you looked at a vet’s medical book, but you didn’t like it at all.

     Books (actual books now) are one way we entertain ourselves; you know, to have FUN! And to educate ourselves, of course.  We’ve only got, what, a hundred years on this earth (if we are lucky) out of the billions it’ll be hanging around the sun?  And sometimes we like to read, or perhaps watch movies about things we think are fun.  Bowling, fishing, golfing, reading, biking, rock climbing, watching TV, ice skating, aliens, and having sex.  Doesn’t mean we are actually going to run a marathon or win a gold medal, or have an alien pop out of our chest, but maybe we would like to read or watch a movie about it.  And when it’s over, we go back to being our regular, normal selves and no one is the wiser.

     Can I get real for a second?  I’m not a big fan of golf, but I know a lot of other folks are. Oh and NASCAR.  What the fuck, seriously, is up with that?  Cars.  Driving around in an oval.  Only sometimes, nay, RARELY do they ever get into some really fucked up car wreck where people DIE and therefore make it watchable!  Soooo, why does it have to be for six hours?  Is four hours of driving not enough?*

      Back to fans of golf.  And others who don’t really care for golf.  And the folks who hate golf.  Can we all just sort of agree that golf isn’t hurting anyone, and it’s really ok?!  So why are things like golf, car racing and baseball okay enough to be America’s Pastimes, but something like pornography gets vilified?  Yet we all know someone who enjoys it, or perhaps you yourself enjoy it.  Big whoop.  Who cares????

     Every second $3,075.64 is being spent on pornography.  That is not a typo.  Exactly who is spending all this money? AMERICANS ARE!!  Do you think that ONE Tea Bagger would admit to downloading porn and jerking off?  Puh. Lease. Christine O’Donnell thinks that masturbation is adultery because it involves lust.  Can you imagine what she considers PORN???  But yet…a whole shitload of Americans are spending $$MONEY$$ on pornography.  Because they like sex.  Just like Kristen likes ice skating.  And Paulie likes watching cars go in a circle. 

     Look, I think instead of nitpicking at the things we disagree on, why don’t we lock down the things we really ALL agree on?  Such as, but not limited to:

  • Child pornography

     Disgusting.  Gross.  Despicable.  Unforgivable.  Evil.  Frightening.  Sickening.  Surreal.  Vomit inducing.  All in agreement?  Aye Aye Captain!!

     And

  • Bestiality

     NOT okay, dude!!!  Seriously.  Gross.  But if you were really interested you could go to Mexico or something.  I heard. I don’t know personally but if you know any sailors they can probably shed some light on this for you.  But yeah, just go to Mexico, dude.  Don’t do it here.  Just imagine what the animal is thinking.  “Hey, I kind of like when you pat my head like that.  It’s pleasant.  Thank you.  Hey wait a minute!!!!!!  Oweeeeee!”

 And let’s throw in:

  •  Priests molesting children and/or churches covering that up and not prosecuting priests who harmed children in a sexual manner

     There!!  I’ve just listed three things we can all agree on (hopefully) to hate all together as a society.  America is tense right now.  The divide between us is widening.  I joked about burning books earlier, but that is something back in the news, in 2010, isn’t it?  Just because you don’t agree with something, doesn’t mean you have to eradicate it.  I just find it hypocritical that something as popular and lucrative continues to be such a no-no.  Would it be more ideal if we donated over three grand a SECOND to charity?  Sure.  And maybe we do, but I only had the statistic on porn, so….accept it America!  We are all horny perverts who like to at least experiment with our eyes, but not necessarily with our genitalia.  And for that, I salute you!  (That would’ve been funnier if I were a man with a boner in my boxer briefs.  Alas… such is not the case.)

xojmo

*Disclaimer: I have NO idea how long an actual NASCAR race is.  Nor will I bother to “Wiki” it, because I truly could not care any less about this topic.  I do not want one brain cell that I could potentially kill with grain alcohol wasted on NASCAR related trivia.  I really hope someone tells me in the comments section though.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Denise
    Sep 23, 2010 @ 17:19:07

    Average is about 3.5 hours, but anywhere from 3-5 really…depends on whether it’s a qualifier or a real race, weather, how many “cautions” (which you’ll never know what that means because you won’t wiki it :-), the track itself (some tracks have curvier corners, some have a steeper angle, some are paved differently — all accounting for different speeds). Am I right, Dave? My nephews are big fans. I just think some of the drivers are cute.

    Reply

  2. Dave
    Sep 24, 2010 @ 08:24:10

    I think Denise is right. Hard to say, though, because we usually watch races on Tivo so we can fast forward through commercials (although I will say, some of the best commercials are aimed at NASCAR fans). And if you get a rain delay or red flag due to a huge wreck, you’re in for a long day.

    Totally agree with you on the kids and critters. I’m personally repulsed by fecophilia, but if consenting adults want to look at pics of other consenting adults smeared with poo, it’s not my place to tell them they can’t. But it’s all about consent.

    I know consent is the issue that a lot of people give for hating porn, that essentially poorer women are economically coerced into porn. I’m sure there’s a kernel of truth in there, but I also have to wonder if some of the folks making that argument found it as a way to justify their belief that porn is icky and no one should view it.

    Didn’t someone say the difference between porn and art is the lighting?

    Reply

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