I’m not feeling too well today. I had a doctor’s appointment, did some errands, and then by the time I got home was ready for a nap. I ended up napping for nearly three hours. And to be honest it was a nice nap because the dream I had were not anxiety ridden and horrid like they usually are.
The cast of Modern Family was there. As was Bill Clinton, who people were calling “Clint.” I objected sternly! I said, “What? No one calls you Clint. Bill, yes. William, yes. Even William Jefferson. But this ‘Clint’ business has to stop.” The senior black guy from The Daily Show was there. And the best part: certain cast members of the Jersey Shore. Fist pump!
I was in a house I had never been in before. My car was the same, but was in a neighborhood I had never seen. But in my dream it all made sense. I got a text from The Situation. He was taking me out tonight. But he hadn’t asked me, and I had other plans. Yeah right. There were no plans but I so didn’t want to seem like I would drop everything for a night out with The Situation.
For the record, The Situation is NOT the Jersey Shore guy I would pick. Pauly D all the way. But in my dream, The Situation was nice, attentive, flirty, cocky (of course) and most importantly – interested in me. He busted in on me and I wasn’t even close to being ready, but he had made reservations. I told him I’d be ready at 8:30pm. Then he left. I had butterflies.
The whole entire dream was the buildup to this date. And getting ready for the date. I saw the dress I was going to wear. I was excited. I felt desirable. Look, I know in real life The Situation would never go for this grenade, but in my dream…he was taking me out to a fancy restaurant on our date. I couldn’t wait.
And then I woke up. This always happens. When I’m not having dreams about my ex husband or friends/family who have let me down (hence the anxiety ridden dreams that I have over and over again) I have these dreams where things are going great but there is never any climax at the end. Yes, pun intended.
I never got to put on that silvery grey dress for my date with the Situation. Last thing that happened was J-Woww running a tub for me so I could shave my legs. I frantically found some razors and was in the midst of looking for some shampoo and conditioner. And then…oh great, I’m awake. No “dream date” for Jen.
I cannot remember the last time I went on a real date. I don’t remember the last time I felt wanted or desired. (Well besides in my dream.) And let’s not even get into making out and/or sex. It’s fucking embarrassing. At this point I feel like nuns have had more action than me. It’s depressing really. And I continue to be depressed about it. No one considers setting me up on blind dates, but I would really appreciate it. Honestly. I’ve done online dating…clearly didn’t work out for me. Grenade, remember? I’m truly truly truly at my wit’s end about what to do. It was never my plan to be completely single the five years after my divorce, while he went off and married the boss that he fucked and got pregnant eight months after we got married. In some twisted fucked up way, I feel like he won. He has someone to hug him, and hold his hand, and lay next to him at night. And me…I have a dream with The Situation and I don’t even get to fake date him, or fake hold his hand, or God forbid, fake kiss him in my dream. I get three hours of dream blue balls if you will.
And then here is the most fitting part…You know sometimes when your eye waters for NO reason at all. As I sat in bed, going over every detail of the dream in my head (especially the part when I got asked on the date by a cocky Italian guy), my left eye started watering. Not crying. I would admit to that since I cry all the time. No, just a regular watering eye, and it fell down my left cheek. As I wiped it away I thought, ‘How fitting is this?’
And then it was over. The closest I’ve come to feeling wanted in a very long time…was over. And yes, that makes me want to have real tears streaming down my face. Before the night is over, I’m sure there will be.
Thanks for reading.