25 Things You Don’t Know About JMo

And never will!

Us Weekly magazine has this feature every week, where a “celebrity” like Kourtney Kardashian or Lil’ Jon will list 25 things we don’t know about them.  And it’s always stuff like “I love green beans!” or “I own a blind cat.” And while those things may be semi-interesting, I’m sure there is MORE going on behind the scenes…C’mon! Let’s hear the REAL 25 things we don’t know about you.

So that got me thinking. Maybe I’ll do one of those lists. And then I thought about it some more: Sure, I could list things like “I enjoy eating unsalted peanut shells” and “I just got my driver’s license 3.5 years ago.” But again, why would you want to learn 25 inane things about me? Granted, if there is something you want to know, just ask! I’m pretty open. (Plus it would give me an idea for a post! I’m selfish!) But there is a reason why people don’t know EVERYTHING about me. And that’s because I don’t tell them nuthin’!

I’m convinced that I will go to my grave knowing things about myself that are embarrassing or gross or sad or hilarious that no one else will ever know. Not my friends. Not my family. Not anybody. And that’s because I a) don’t want anyone to think less of me when learning about some quirky habit I have and b) I’m a private person and don’t feel like I need to share everything about myself. Plus, the last thing I would want is for something I divulged to another to actually come back around and bite me in the ass. Which happens you know… since, like, the beginning of time.

So I keep my trap shut. And that way, I’m positive that it will never get out. The minute you SAY something out loud – it’s out there. You can’t suck it back in. No matter how good you are at sucking. So think twice before you say something. Even if it’s to your husband or best friend or mother. Because we all know that those relationships could go south at some point and that shit could haunt you FOR LIFE. (If I could I would enter an audio clip here. The beginning of Bad Boy 4 Life by Diddy. dum dum dum dum dum We ain’t. Goin’. Nowhere. We ain’t. Goin’ nowhere. We can’t be stopped now…Cuz it’s BAD BOY 4 LIFE!) (*ahem* Sorry! Concentrate JMo!!)

Imagine if Monica Lewinsky ever had to fill out a “25 Things You Don’t Know About Me” survey in a special Intern edition of Us Weekly? I’m pretty sure she would not have put down  “#7. I like to blow Bill Clinton in the Oval Office while he penetrates my vagina with a Cuban cigar.” Right after “#6. I like to wear Berets.”

I mean, she knew to keep that on the D.L. right? Well obviously not, because she blabbed it to Linda Tripp. God only knows why. It really does beg the question: WHY would you tell THAT to someone if you supposedly didn’t want anyone to know? I mean, if there ever were a mega-secret that needed keeping secret, we can all agree that this is it? Right?

There are only two answers I can think of:

1. You are retahded! (Is it okay for me to use the R-word if I spell it differently? Probably not. Shit.) or

2. You WANT the attention.  You want people to know that you are doing something that they aren’t. That they are special. They want to be envied.

And when it comes right down to it, Monica wanted to be the center of attention by telling someone, anyone that she had the most powerful penis of the free world in her mouth at some point. And I don’t blame her. But as much as you want to blab that…NOT a good idea. Because why does Linda Tripp need to keep that secret? She doesn’t. She didn’t. And we all know what happened.

And I felt bad for Monica. I really did. Because she got lambasted on TV and radio and in print. “She’s fat.” “She’s ugly.” It was brutal. Also you are known for giving blow jobs which isn’t very glamorous. So because Monica opened her mouth (hee) to Linda Tripp…it essentially RUINED her life. Seriously. Now, if she only kept it a SECRET and to herself ONLY (well and Bill. And the Secret Service.), then maybe she and Bill would’ve kept on with their little OPP affair in the OO. But nope. Big mouth. So it was really her own fault. All those jokes that hurt her feelings? Her fault.  You’ve got no one to blame but yourself, chica. Oh and that affair you let slip to Tripp…also impeached the President. Thanks a lot!

Speaking of feelings, I constantly have my mine hurt. I’m sensitive. And when writing a blog you definitely open yourself up to scrutiny and it’s hard for me to swallow (hee). But I try to keep my chin up and stand by what I’ve written.  With pride. Even though there isn’t a lot to be proud about. I mean, I’m no Emily Dickinson.

Recently my mental capacity/sanity has been brought into question and while I joke about being crazy I certainly don’t like it when someone else calls me crazy. For the record, I’ve seen many psychiatrists/therapists for various reasons  over the years and I can gladly tell you all that I am NOT Schizophrenic, Psychotic, or Bi-Polar. They checked.  Believe me.  My favorite question was, “Do you ever think that someone on TV is talking to you?”  Um…no.  Should I? (Now I’m paranoid. Great!)

And of course I’m sensitive about it. A smidge of crazy runs in my family. My uncle was schizophrenic and died alone (and unidentified for a while) in California. So seriously…if you think I’m crazy, what do you think it is? I’ll certainly get that checked out!! I promise!! I’m a hypochondriac!! I’ve also battled depression, been suicidal after my separation/divorce and have had panic attacks. But I’ve taken many steps and strides to work on all of those issues. (AND I’ve been open and honest about all of that. I’m not ashamed.) What else can I do? I’m a responsible adult. I’ll have it looked at.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand: The 25 things you don’t know about me are going to continue to be 25 things you don’t know about me. Sorry folks. I’ve learned my lesson early on in life. The only person you can truly trust is yourself. By all means, roll up your dirty blue Gap dress and toss it in the back of your closet, but don’t tell anyone what that stain is. Because they will DEFINITELY tell. It’s too jizzy, I mean, JUICY, JUICY not to! Good grief.

Peace out!!


3 thoughts on “25 Things You Don’t Know About JMo

  1. Monica Lewinsky walks up to the old man behind the counter and hands him a dress. “Here, “she says, “I need you to get this satin out for me.”

    Hard of hearing, he says “Come again?”

    “No!” she replies. “This time it’s mustard.”

    In my culture, bad jokes are a sign you care 🙂

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