Revelations about Revelation

Subtitled: My revelations about the Book of Revelation

Subsubtitled: What the hell is going on here exactly?! (No pun intended)

I wouldn’t call myself a very religious person.  I do, however, talk regularly to God and will occasionally sleep with my rosary beads under my pillow.  I don’t go to church and I’ll admit that I’ve occasionally thought, “Maybe there is no God. Then what?”

But having said all of that, I’m obsessed with things like Exorcisms and the eternal battle between good (God/Jesus) and evil (devil/Satan).  Because it’s very clear that pure evil exists in this world. And I would like to think it is because of the devil. And not just because we human beings are really really fucked up.

I’ve always said, too, that if the devil really did exist and wanted our souls… then he could’ve had mine LONG ago.  What is he waiting for? Back in the day I’d probably have sold it to him for a set of steak knives.  Nowadays, he’d have to throw in a Sham-Wow or something. I’m not cheap!

So back to Revelation. I don’t remember learning any of this in my six years at Catholic school.  (Ok it was only grades 1-6 so I can see why!) What I do remember is Sister Peggy telling me that things in the bible, like Adam and Eve and Noah’s Ark were made up stories. She told me this after class once when I was helping her with chalkboard erasers.  I remember telling my extended family about it and my uncle (who isn’t/wasn’t very religious at all) getting really mad that she told me this. I was only in fifth grade. But hey, I really appreciate her telling me. It has helped me come to terms with Darwin and evolution.  It’s freeing to not have to believe in the snake/apple/rib/Adam/Eve fiasco. Seemed a little far-fetched anyway.

I believe that Jesus existed. For sure.  I want to give two excerpts from One Solitary Life, a beautiful poem written by Dr. James Allen Francis:

“He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never had a family or owned a house. He didn’t go to college. He never visited a big city. He never travelled two hundred miles from the place where he was born. He did none of those things one usually associates with greatness.”


“Twenty centuries have come and gone, and today he is the central figure of the human race and the leader of mankind’s progress. All the armies that ever marched, all the navies that ever sailed, all the parliaments that ever sat, all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man on this earth as much as that One Solitary Life.”

He has affected many lives. Mostly for good right? Love one another. Died for our sins. Blah blah blah. See, my idea of Jesus coming back would be a dude in Birks who wants to play some Hackey Sack and give out hugs. So when I caught the end of God Vs. Satan on the History Channel (or was it History International?) I was all – “Whatchu talking about Willis?!”

Revelation.  Essentially it describes future events…like when Armageddon or the Apocalypse happens. Whatever you call it. Basically when the shit hits the fan, so to speak. So get this…end of days. Jesus comes back and goes all Rambo on everyone. People killed, blood flows in the streets. Yes, I said Jesus. As in Jesus H. Christ, what is he doing?? THEN Satan rises up and puts together an army. To fight Jesus (and the Christians? Unknown. All I kept thinking about was that South Park episode where Jesus and Satan fight in the ring. God help us all.).

Ok well (SPOILER ALERT) Jesus wins. Hurrah!!! Satan is imprisoned in a bottomless pit for a thousand years. Oh yeah, Suck it Satan! Wait, what?

1,000 years? That’s it? And then what will happen after that thousand years is up?

Well History Channel told me that too.  After a thousand years, (SPOILER ALERT) Satan is released (Why? Unknown. Just ‘cuz I guess.)  makes a new war and then is defeated again. This time for realsies and a new heaven and Earth are created where there is no more suffering or death. But plenty of dancing in the streets!  Can I get a big old Kool-Aid man “Oh yeah!!”

I’m making jokes and stuff, but in all honestly, this is the shit that is talked about in the book of Revelation.

#1 – Why is this type of future telling okay, but we are supposed to laugh off psychics and folks like Nostradamus (and don’t get me started on the show AFTER this show which was the Nostradamus Effect. Did you know that the first two Antichrists were Napoleon and Hitler?).

#2 – If this is already foretold to be the truth forever and ever amen, then why does Satan even bother putting together this army in the first place? I mean, hello. Go to Barnes and Noble, Satan, and grab a copy of the bible and read up on it. But make sure it’s not the Jefferson Bible.  Your army is futile against mean, angry God/Jesus. Also, look into something to do while imprisoned in a pit for a thousand years. Might get boring.

#3. Why is Jesus so pissed? Why is he killing off everyone who didn’t believe in him? Relax dude.

#4. I don’t like scary, mean Jesus. I want Hackey Sack Jesus. I can’t be the only one right?

#5. And why does Satan get to be in a pit for a thousand years AND then get released again? I mean, what is he? Michael Myers? Just kill him already!! Don’t let him out again!!

Ok that’s all. I can’t really write anymore because a) I’m not well versed on the topic and b) I’m not really buying into it. PLUS…why would Armageddon be happening any time soon?? We’ve only been hanging around this planet for a minute now. I think mankind has a long way to go before Jesus opens a can of whup-ass on everyone. Unless Global Warming kills us all first.

May the force, I mean PEACE,  peace be with you! Oy!


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