Ad Lib

I want to talk about my oven.

I just moved into this apartment a little over 5 months ago.  It’s a great place. Big bathroom with an oval tub, walk in closet, W/D in unit, private balcony.  I’m big pimpin’ up in here. (Oh Lord, I’m so Q-word. And yeah, I just said ‘Q-word.’  I just coined the new R-Word. Which was kind of the new N-word. Or was it really? Like, no not at all. Not even close. N-word is the way worstest. Hands down. {which is opposite of Nazis} Why are people against the word “retard” or “retarded.” You act like NO ONE ever actually used those words in a dead serious discussion before. Those were like actual medical terms. “Department of Mental Retarded” was actually still used not that long ago. So “retarded” was actually used right? And it has a very very negative connotation. I get it. But my opinion is this: You cannot abolish a word that sort of kind of has an insensitive negative ring to it. Not everything is going to be unicorns and Gummi Bears (the Disney 80’s cartoon).  It’s going to be real life. Language evolves. Maybe it was super cool to say in the 1950’s; but in 2010 it sounds square, daddy-o. But that’s the coolest thing: the more language evolves and grows and changes, there are still these treasure troves of words that could be brought back to life.  The more it grows, and changes – the more it becomes vintage. What’s old is new again. So while I totally get why you hate it when people say “Oh my God you are so retarded!” and “You are such a retard.” It’s insensitive. But are hurt feelings enough to stamp it out of existence? No. Just relax. Aim that disdain at people who, oh I don’t know, rape and murder children. Don’t stress if I’m calling my friend a “retard” because come on, she just is okay. I can’t even give this word a proper definition. If you’re called “retarded” it’s because you just are. There are no real true words.  You’re just retarded.

But see, now where do I stand on the N-word? Honestly, I find that word beyond just insensitive. To me that word means only one thing: Hatred. Pure rage. Like, complete and utter opposite of unicorns and Gummi Bears {jumping here and there and everywhere}. Like, how ballsy are old white guys? A black guy gets off a boat from Africa and the old white guy is like “Hmm, he looks different from me. And if I’m made in God’s likeness then I’m BOSS (cool hip term, not your employer; adj. Slang First-rate; top-notch.) and he is the exact opposite of me so that means he’s not so boss. He’s the devil. Therefore I hate you.

But is that not what the N-word means to you? I completely accept that it might mean something different to you. I really cannot expect to  match my definition of the N-word to someone who has been on the other side of it. Because you are different from me. And I’m totally fucking cool with that. A whole planet of me’s would be pretty lame. We’re all humans. But we all talk different and look different. It’s cool. Let’s all just get along. We were all put here on this earth…by something (mystical, spiritual or otherwise). So let’s ride this out. Let’s see what happens. Wouldn’t it be super cool to actually have E.T. hiding out in your closet? Or I don’t know, let gays and lesbians marry each other for crissakes.  A lot of them are all smug in their monogamous loving relationship of 18 years. How dare they want to get married?? Who do they think they are? Marriage is sacred and only available to the holiest and sacredest people – people like Jon Gosselin, contestants from the gameshow Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire (I’m looking at you Darva Conger who is Googling herself right now), and Britney “It’s Britney, bitch” Spears. It’s thanks to Britney’s serious marriage to a man for about three years, we have the term KFed in our vocabulary. And I’m so sick of those friggin’ celebrity couple names. You know the ones:  Speidi. Bennifer. Brangelina. Odomashian. Just shut up already!!

Back to the N-word. Yes, agreed it’s hateful and all those nasty horribly negative bad words. But c’mon…you really won’t give me a pass when I’m listening to Snoop or DMX??  DMX!!! And rapping (badly) along? 

“Y’all niggaz remind me of a strip club, cause everytime you come around, it’s like what I just gotta get my dick sucked”

Come. On. Telling me I can’t ever ever never ever again rap that line in my car with DMX ever again? That is like telling someone, “Go sit over there and whatever you do don’t think of pink elephants.” As far as I’m concerned. Pink elephants are being thunked about.

It’s just a word. I’m just saying it. There is nothing behind it. At all. It’s just catchy and kind of stress releasing. I’ll admit it.

To me, not letting gays get married (or serve open and honestly in the military) is like telling people they: Need not apply. Or tell them to sit somewhere else. Or you know what…you are not even good enough to use the same water fountain as me. Oh and you can’t vote.

All of those things evolved.  When we will evolve? What’s the big friggin’ deal? Or like an old friend would say “What’s the big chicken dinner?”

By all means homosexuals of the world: Go forth and marry. Just keep a bank account in your name because divorce is a bitch. Let me just tell you. Welcome to the boring straight man’s club. Where love gets you in, and money gets you out.)

So besides all those great amenities (along with a gym, pool and movie theater. And a fire pit.) I’ve got a really neat stove/oven/majigy. All my past ovens have been ghetto. You turned a dial. And now, all of a sudden, it’s all Jetsons to me. I feel like I’m staring at the deck of the Starship Enterprise.*

Can I tell you what some of the buttons on My Own Private Enterprise are:

Cook & Hold (ampersand and everything)


Keep Warm.

Seriously? Delay? How does that even being to work?  Am I delaying the beginning or the ending? Oooh, that’s pretty deep.

Anyway – that just happened tonight where I stopped dead in my tracks and thought about how I never really learned about this oven. It must be able to do the sickest things.  (Another one of those words that has evolved and has more than one meaning.) I need me to find the book and read up on it.

Ok that’s all. I just wanted to give you all a glimpse into my simple thoughts about the oven. <enter smiley face emoticon here> …Emoticon. Can you even believe that’s a word now? I hated reading Chaucer. It made no sense – and it was English! Imagine how good old Geoff would feel reading our modern day language? Probably just as confused as I was reading his.

Words uttered, performed, or carried out extemporaneously by- xojmo

*I debated on whether to use Starship Enterprise or Millennium Falcon.  I’m not even sure “Starship Enterprise” is from Star Trek. I’m almost positive, which is good enough for me because I’m really too lazy to Wiki it. I just feel like the Millennium Falcon is way too cool for me to be using it. My stove isn’t THAT cool. It’s just the Starship Enterprise cool.

4 thoughts on “Ad Lib

  1. Yes, I’m commenting on my own piece. I love this:

    “Where love gets you in, and money gets you out.”

    Ok that’s all. Would love to think what some of you folks think. Of everything, not just that line above.


  2. I think Delay is delaying the start of cooking. If you hit it, does it let you enter a time? My coffee maker does the same thing, but that button says Auto Brew. You can probably find a pdf of the owner’s manual online.

    Speaking of gay controversy, did you see the “God hates fags” freaks protesting in Framingham today? Protesting about a play about Matthew Sheppard. Real nice. I’d love it if someone beat the shit out of one of their kids and tied them to a fence to die, for being hetero. Then they could cry like I do whenever they hear a song like Scarecrow (the song Melissa Etheridge wrote about Sheppard).

    My favorite quote from those freaks: Massachusetts distinguishes itself above all other states for “its filthy disobedience against God’’ and “over-the-top sin.’’

    Let’s hear it for the Bay State! We’re over-achievers! Woo-hoo!


  3. We’re number one! We’re number one!

    “over the top sin”? Really? So not Nevada? Definitely Massachusetts. Alright then.

    Why hasn’t anyone just hauled off and beat the shit out of those God hates Fags people?? Some peaceful lady gets her head stomped on by a Rand Paul supporter? But the hateful freaks are left alone? Oh right, because us liberals believe in freedom of speech. But we also believe in decorum and respect. Look ’em up!!

    I’m not hitting any of those mysterious buttons!!


  4. You know what kills me the most about the anti-gay marriage folks? The fact that they talk about it from a religious standpoint. I mean give me a break. I know plenty of people who were married JOP style…since that is not a religious ceremony do these same anti-gay marriage idiots think these marriages should aslo not be called a marriage??? Maybe we should only use the term marriage when a religious ceromony is involved and call everything else something different. Seriosly one of the dumbest arguements ever. Not for nothing but I don’t feel that my Catholic marriage would be any less significant because 2 people of the same sex got married.


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