Dear News Media: Do You Think Americans Are Smart All of a Sudden?

No offense to my fellow Americans. But if you’ve ever seen Jaywalking on the Tonight Show (booo!) or realized that more people voted for Bristol Palin on DWTS than they did for her mom or anyone else in the last Presidential election – then you would know that we are a dumb people. And because of that they usually dumb down the news for us. But not recently. WikiLeaks have struck again and there’s a new buzz word in town. Move over DADT….and welcome “Cables.”

Cables, cables, cables. That’s all I’ve heard on every station the past few days.

Look, I’m a fairly intelligent person but I have no freaking clue what a “cable” is in the context they are using it. I’m familiar with Cable Television and those cables they hold up trapeze artists with and Cable cars. But “embassy cables”? Nope. No idea.  And I’m pretty sure Joe Blow in Culpeper, VA doesn’t know either. (Shout out to Culpeper! See? They don’t even know how to spell Pepper. Dummies.)

But instead of explaining what they meant by “cable” to us like we’re children, they just sort of use it like we should all know what they are talking about. I was feeling pretty stupid until I thought, ‘There is no fucking way everyone else knows what those are. I’m sorry.’

So I did what I always do when I need to figure something out: I Googled/Wiki’d it. And not WikiLeaks or WikiHow, I mean WikiPedia. I’m not sure when all these Wiki’s appeared, but it’s starting to get annoying.

I’m going to share with you what I learned, so that when some dumbass within ear shots asks “What is a cable?” You can be all “*big sigh* Don’t you know that a cable is….”

A diplomatic cable, also known as a diplomatic telegram or embassy cable, is the term given to a confidential text message exchanged between a diplomatic mission, like an embassy or a consulate, and the foreign ministry of its parent country.

So while that doesn’t shed a whole lot of light on what is going on with those leaks, it helps me a little bit when listening to Anderson Cooper or Matt Lauer talk about them.

Oh who am I kidding? I don’t listen to anything Anderson Cooper has to say. Just keeping wearing those tight black t-shirts, Andy, and I’ll keep watching.  Me likey.


P.S. Did you know that Anderson Cooper’s mom is Gloria Vanderbilt, designer of the famed blue jeans?  Well now you do. Cables and Cooper’s mom. You’ve learned a lot today, grasshopper.

3 thoughts on “Dear News Media: Do You Think Americans Are Smart All of a Sudden?

  1. I agree (thanks). Enough with the Wiki’s. When I say “I need to wiki that shit,” I mean WikiPedia, as well.

    In fact, I *did* know that AC’s mom is GV.

    I LOVE him. We can fight over him, in a cage match. Then when we’re done fighting, we can watch him turn his back on both of us and hook up with Tim instead.

    AC told a story when he was filling in for Regis (as he does, fairly frequently), about how he met Michael Jackson when he was like 15. His mom brought him to a Studio 54 event and he met MJ there. What mom brings her 15 year old kid to Studio 54 in the 70’s? A “jeans for the way you live and love” kind of mom. Wait, that was Sergio Valente.

    I’ll be in the corner celebrating, if you need me. It’s always 4:20 somewhere in the world.

  2. My bottoms are tops. Could there be a better slogan?!

    LOL @ cagematch/Tim scenario. I knew where that was going before you even went there.

    I’ve always said that if I could go back in time and go see Studio 54 in its prime, I would totally do it. *sigh*

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