I’m sure when my then husband (now ex) got his older mistress knocked up and then catapulted our divorce into Nasty Land, he probably thought “Well in five years I’m sure Jen will be remarried and happy. No harm. No foul.”
Unfortunately I cannot say that is the case. I just got financially raped at a local Valvoline: getting my oil changed AND buying new windshield wipers. While I’m getting raked over the coals, I’m thinking “WHY can’t I just have a dude in my life that could do this for me, so that I don’t just toss money out the window that I don’t have for no good reason?”
And then it graduates into, “Holy God, when will I ever go on a date again?”
And then the dreaded, “When was the last time I even had sex??” I’m not even sure! All I know is – it was bad. So I don’t want to remember it!!!!!! *head slam on the desk*
I’m pathetic for even bringing up my ex (I swear I’m not obsessed with him! I swear!!! Cuz I’m not. Ew) but it’s such a huge milestone of sorts in my life. Turning 30. Losing my best friend and my husband all at once. And sure, even I thought that in five years time I would be remarried and happy and all of it would be a distant memory.
I think it stays with me, because they are married now. With two kids, instead of that one bastard child*. And I’m like “um…so…what about me?”
I’m not sure if people think I’m joking when I say I never get asked on dates. Or that I haven’t gotten laid in a long time. I’m certainly not a supermodel and I know that. But….seriously…the only action I’ve gotten recently is an older gentleman telling me at the liquor store that they should put their heat up so that I wouldn’t be bundled up under my jacket and he could see what my body looked like. UGH!!!
I feel like every aspect of my life is sort of sucking right now. I’m working through it with a therapist (who doesn’t think I’m crazy, thank you very much) but I’m sort of bummed out about it all. And I’m not sure how to turn it around.
I’ve done online dating. I’ve hung out at bars. I flirt with everybody!! And….nothing. I’ll overdramatically throw my hands up in the air and say “Fine. Forget it. I’m done.” But then I’m never really done. I want love. I really do. But in the meantime I wouldn’t mind it if someone wanted a one night stand. But please make it good. Because if I have to go through another bad session…I seriously will just poke my eyeball out.
And what truly brings tears to my eyes is that I don’t want my niece and nephew growing up thinking that Auntie Jen is a weirdo because she’s not married and doesn’t ever bring someone around during the holidays or summer cookouts.
It’s not a choice. My being alone and single is not a choice. And I know there are worse things going on in the world right now. So boo hoo to me. I get it. Suck it up! I’m just sensitive. So pardon me. But I’m being honest.
Thanks. I needed to get that out.
* I know. That was mean. Maybe I’m a little bitter that I sent him off to work everyday (with ironed clothes and a packed lunch) and he was taking his lunch breaks at his boss’ house getting her pregnant.