“I love sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake.” – Ernest Hemingway

That is one of my favorite quotes. It’s listed under JMo’s Favorite Quotes, which you should check out if you haven’t already. Anyway, I bring up that quote because I do love sleep. For many reasons, one of which Mr. Hemingway hits right on the head. The other: When I wake up from sleep, my brain is like a toddler on Christmas morning…it just doesn’t stop. It’s screaming “Pay attention to me!!!” yet veers off into seventeen different topics at once. It’s one reason I just cannot seem to organize and write a novel. I go off on tangents. Which I’m sure you’ve noticed if you’ve read any of my blog before. You’ll also notice a tangent in this one as well. Dammit…now you won’t go and read anything else since you’ll be getting a tangent in this one. And if you are asking yourself, “What does ‘tangent’ mean?” then this blog ain’t for you.

So my brain…yeah. It’s a little busy, to say the least. And waking up early is one of my least favorite things. Which is what happened yesterday and today. WTF?! And I don’t mean “Why the face?” (If you aren’t watching Modern Family, you are missing out.)  No one should have to wake up early on the weekend. When I get up early, it means I’ll be exhausted by 10:30am and will want to take a nap. Most likely I won’t be in a place that will let me grab my crackers and juice box and head down for a nap on my mat. Blah.

I woke up this morning remembering part of the dream I just had.  I was watching Wheel of Fortune with my sister. I know this was a dream, because I would NEVER watch Wheel of Fortune.  I’m more of a Jeopardy person. But having said that, I didn’t watch any of that WATSON vs. Ken Jennings shit. I sort of didn’t get it. It’s a super computer. Doesn’t it have Google built-in? I mean, if the answer is, “He is the husband of Lucy on I Love Lucy.” Then I assume he goes and Wiki’s that shit and comes up with Ricky.” (Another clue my brain loves going off into various directions, as I tried to remember Ricky’s full name, my brain just yells out RICKY BOBBY! TALLADEA NIGHTS! DAYTONA 500 IS ON TODAY. I HATE CAR RACING. Get it now?)

Oh. P.S. I also tried out for Jeopardy once. It was a cool experience. I didn’t make it. Obvs. But I totally stole a pen with JEOPARDY printed on it. Take that, Trebek!

The Proof!

So in my dream I watching Wheel (remember when you got to buy stuff with your money on Wheel of Fortune? Ok ok..that’s going way back. I’ll stop) and this was the puzzle:

S_X      _’CLOCK      N_ _ S

The guy goes to solve it and he guesses SIX O’CLOCK NEWS. And it’s wrong. Which confuses me, even in my dream. The next chick spins and then asks for a “4.”

At which point I’m like “OMG, did you just hear that? The chick asked for a number!” And was all like the kid in Home Alone with my mouth agape.

And my sister didn’t seem to care as much as I did. Okay.

Then someone else solved the puzzle and it turned out to be A’CLOCK.

Which I really didn’t get. But now was the time to talk to the guests. SNORE. But for some reason they all looked like Zombies. But not Walking Dead zombies (CANNOT wait for that show to come back. Know what else is coming back soon? TRUE BLOOD!!!! WOOOOO! We’re close!), but more like Rick Baker zombies. So I say to my sister, “Why do they all look like zombies?” And she replies, “I don’t see it.”

And I point out, “That one right there! He has blood dripping down from his mouth all the way down to his shirt. And that one, which I don’t even get, has a hand sticking out of the back of his head, but clearly has zombie like features.”

Nope. She didn’t see it. And I sort of feel like that’s how I go through life. I see things a little bit differently than others. To me, things seem obvious, but to others, not so much. Now obviously I’m not talking about actual zombies. I’m pretty sure 99.9% of everyone would agree when someone looks like a zombie. I guess I just mean other things in life that pass us by. Some of it catches my eye in a way that just doesn’t for others. I’ve gotten used to it. But this blog is a good way for me to vent that.

By now you might be wondering “Why did she title this ‘Checkmate’?” Good question. I almost forgot! So after I rehashed the dream once I woke up. I started to think about Chess. NO idea why. I learned to play chess early on in life from my father. He bought me this very cool board that was made by Chess for Juniors.  It has the positions of the pieces printed on the board so that you can remember where they go. I honestly will reference it to this day because the positions of the King and Queen always got me mixed up. If I’m Black, he’s on my left. If I’m White…he’s not. Okaaaaaaaay. Anyway, see picture of board below:

Chess for Juniors

I understand chess. I do. But I’m bad at it. Mostly because I HATE thinking 8 moves ahead. If you ever play chess with me, here’s what to expect. Pawn Pawn Pawn. Bishop Knight Bishop. AND now I’m after that bitch, Your Queen. I couldn’t care less about the King. I want to take out the Queen. And then I lose. Wow that was great. Let the sulking commence.

But Brian Regan, a comedian,  had this great joke about “Checkmate.” And if you can get onto You Tube and listen to it, I promise it’ll make you chuckle!  Touchdown!

It’s true though. It’s a game you win but don’t have to finish. Checkmate. I’ve gotten to “check” many times. But Checkmate. Nope. I don’t have the patience. I’m an aggressive chess player, which is funny, because I’m not an aggressive person overall. I’m more of a push over. You would also think I would not be aggressive considering I’m playing chess on a board where the Rook’s mouth is agape.

Ok look, I snuck “agape” in there again because I’m semi-proud of myself for pulling that word out of my ass. Did I double-check to make sure I was using it correctly? Yes. But my brain thought up “agape” all on its own. And hellz yeah I’m going to use it. And all before 8 a’clock a.m.

And over a thousand words later, good morning everyone. I’m awake.

Let the games begin,


2 thoughts on “Checkmate

  1. Hey, I tried out for Jeopardy too. Didn’t make it past the written test either, but I feel like I got pretty close. Was yours at the Westin Copley? One of the questions I got wrong was “according to Coleridge, what place did Kubla Khan describe as a walled paradise?” (Xanadu — I’ll never forget it now).


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