Oh, Shut the Hell Up Fatties!

Recently a co-worker was complaining how her still-thin mom complains that she is fat. While it’s true she is a tad bigger than when she was younger, it is still insulting that she would consider herself overweight and then complain about it. Very similarly, my mother, who is in her late 60’s, also complains about being fat. She honestly  cannot understand why she has gained so much weight. Oh I don’t know, Ma….slower metabolism and maybe, just maybe the Salt and Vinegar chips sprinkled with peanut M&M’s that blanket your nightly menu?

But here’s the deal – Why do these older women care so much?! You were skinny WHEN IT MATTERED. Back in the day when everyone wants to be svelte and sexy and desirable to get laid as often as possible. So as far as I’m concerned, if my mother (who was a single mom, left to raise her two kids – and oh by the way, was still super skinny after having said two kids) wants to enjoy the twilight of her life mowing on Cheez Doodles and Cinnamon Rolls from Dunkin Donuts…I’m all for it! Go for it!! So what you need to buy new pants every few months…wasn’t that pastry good? Enjoy!!!

Two other women come to mind when I talk about the whole “skinny when it mattered” mantra: Carrie Fisher and Kirstie Alley. Both millionaires by the way, and even the two of them can’t hire a personal chef and build a gym in their homes (oh yeah Kirstie did that. FAIL!) to lose the weight? They both have to go to Jenny Craig?? Why, because JC (not Jesus Christ, Jenny Craig. Duh!) will pay them to lose weight? What the hell?

As a Fat-American, I am appalled at these two women. Oh just shut the hell up Carrie Fisher and Kirstie Alley. You were both skinny when it fucking mattered. Bitches.

You may not remember Carrie Fisher. She had a starring role in a small, independent film that barely anyone saw – Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi.  Go ahead and check IMDB, I’ll wait. I know it’s not ringing a bell……Oh yeah, EVERYONE KNOWS THE FUCKING RETURN OF THE JEDI BECAUSE CARRIE FISHER WAS ALL TIED UP IN HER GOLD BIKINI ON JABA’S LAP. What the hell Carrie Fisher? Then she has THE BALLS, to go onto to the Oprah Winfrey Show, (another struggling Fat-American) and say that she (CF) thought she was FAT when she filmed Jedi.  Seriously, if I were Oprah I would’ve just smacked a bitch and walked off the stage.

Kirstie Alley is another one. What the hell? You were all skinny when you were filming Cheers and probably screwing everyone in Hollywood while snorting lines off the bar with Woody. What do you care now that you are fat? And I’m sorry, but if Scientology is SO friggin’ awesome and can cure you of drug addiction, why can’t the E-Meters/Thetans/Smurfs/L. Ron help you with shoving too many Hostess Cup Cakes down yer pie hole? I don’t get it!!! Go enjoy being fat, Kristie!! We don’t care!!! You’re old now. Although I did like the Veronica’s Closet show, I won’t lie. xo

I hate the double standard though. And it’s not just in Hollywood. Women are expected to be emaciated-skinny to be considered attractive, while men are all over the map. Does anyone make a big deal about Alec Baldwin’s weight? He’s an award-winning actor on a hit tv show and I don’t see him shilling NutriSystem. (If you don’t remember skinny Alec Baldwin you better Google those images right about now. He is HUGE now compared to the early 90’s. I’d still totally do him right about now though. Even though he called his daughter a “pig.” Remember that? Ahh, the Baldwin Brothers. They are fun, aren’t they?)

So here’s the deal, if you know anyone who is over the age of 40 who was thin their whole lives and then ended up gaining some poundage as they got older and now they are complaining about it…just go ahead and smack them {pause} really hard {pause} upside the head. They need to get over themselves and stop acting like they contracted fucking AIDS for crissakes. It’s weight. You can lose it. It’s not the end of the world folks. Plus, let’s face it, you really were skinny when it mattered. So I still hate you!! (But I do enable your decision to eat junk food in your golden years. You deserve it!)

The Baldwins: The hairy one, the hot one, the druggie old one, and the born again Christian one that’s blonde,


5 thoughts on “Oh, Shut the Hell Up Fatties!

  1. I am over 40, complaining about weight gain. If you smack me upside the head, you get no Corned Beef and Cabbage today!

  2. This is totally un-PC of me to say, but I kind of agree. When I’m around even elderly people and they complain about food or getting fat or whatever, I silently wonder what the hell their problem is. If I was knocking on death’s door the last thing I would be worried about would be dessert.

    Plus, I hate celebrities complaining about anything looks-wise. You have a gazillion dollars and all the time in the world to work out with trainers, get your hair did up all purty, go shopping, hire chefs, etc. Do not complain about your weight. Ever. The end.

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