My Biological Clock Must Be Digital…Because I Don’t Hear It Ticking

Children.  I don’t want any.

That doesn’t mean that I think your children are gross or anything.  Or that I’m any less of a woman.

Let me break it down with a pros and cons list.

Reasons I would maybe possibly kind of want to have kids:

  1. Sheer curiosity of what my kid would look like. (Hot or not? Probably not and then I’m screwed. Because it’s not like I can return a kid like I could a pair of pants at Kohl’s. I’m stuck with it. In style or not. Your kid = skinny jeans. My kid = corduroy bell bottoms. FML.)
  2. Dressing it in cute clothes from the Gap.  (Not Gymboree cuz that stuff ain’t cute. Full stop.)
  3. Someone who is forced to like/love me for eternity.
  4. Someone to wipe drool off of my face/wipe my butt when I get deathly old.

Reasons I do not want to have kids:

  1. No desire for a human baby to rip through my lady parts.
  2. The world is overpopulated.
  3. What if my child is born with deformities or something? I could never deal with it. (I swear I’m not shallow. I’m just sensitive. Forrest Gump made me cry for years for crissakes!)
  4. What if my child grows up to be a cannibalistic serial killer?!
  5. No desire to do homework with my grammar school children (or any grade really). I was already in third grade. I don’t want to re-do third grade. Dear teacher, don’t they pay you to teach my kid her multiplication tables? Then earn your paycheck, bitch! xojmo
  6. I work full-time. The last thing I want to do is go home after working all friggin’ day and cook a healthy meal for multiple people. I’m a Lean Cuisine type of girl (or fast food. either one). I come home and put on my pajama bottoms and lounge. I’m a lounger. I’m not a homework helper, nor am I a nutritionist. 
  7. Sick kids. No thanks. I love my nephew and I allowed him to puke on me when he was barely 2. But I do not want to lose sleep because I have to change soiled sheets and hold a bowl under a vomiting child. I’d rather sleep. I’m selfish. But not in a bad way!!
  8. I want my Fun Bags to actually stay “fun” and not become feed bags.
  9. If my child were gay, I certainly wouldn’t care, but why would I want to bring he/she into a universe that doesn’t fully embrace him/her?? Why subject my child to any sort of bullying? Look, I know a lot of people who had a horrible upbringing and were bullied.  Blah. Not worth it.
  10. Climate Change/End of Days/2012 is going to happen soon anyway, so why force them to take part in Revelations? I’m sure it’s scary as hell!!

So there. Those are my reasons. And again, they might sound selfish but so what? At least I’m not putting ANOTHER person on the planet that needs to be fed and be taken care of. 

Don’t worry, your hard-earned tax dollars won’t need to pay for my kids’ welfare, education, health care, or imprisonment BECAUSE I’M NOT HAVING ANY KIDS!!!!!  So you’re welcome!


P.S. Having said all that now, I do LIKE kids. I love the hell out of my niece and nephew and my cousin’s kids. I would jump in front of a bullet for them. I just don’t want to help with science projects. haha. Now no guys with kids will date me. I swear I’ll like your kids. Maybe. As long as they aren’t dirty….and are well behaved. And the baby momma isn’t a douche. AND I don’t have to help with its homework.

6 thoughts on “My Biological Clock Must Be Digital…Because I Don’t Hear It Ticking

  1. The best thing about having gotten a vasectomy is it is SUCH an easy out from parent pressure. You have the people who are all “oh, someday you’ll know that you want to be a dad. You’ll make such a great father, and you’ll love that baby.”

    I just say “um, I actually physically *cannot* have kids. I’ve been to the doctor and everything.” Then they feel awkward because they make the wrong assumption and it never, ever gets brought up again. Winning.

  2. I have NO doubt I would love a baby. Not love having one but physically and emotionally loving it yet…but I have NO desire to take care of it forever. To me, life kinda sucks so why would want to bring someone else into this life? It’s not like I’m a Hilton or a Trump. Jesus.

  3. I like your digital metaphor for the traditional biological clock. We’re fully riding this digital wave aren’t we? So maybe you’ll know when your digital clock sends you a msg when you’re actually “ready”. Just listening to something ticking away is just plain annoying!

  4. Maybe it’ll be like the old AOL “You’ve got mail” announcement.

    Ding. You’ve got baby fever!

    (I’m sure I never will though!)

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