I had spent most of my life pleasing others. Doing the right thing. Believing in God, heaven and hell. Sinners = bad. Moral, ethical people = good. And when you are good, good things will come to you. Right?
I say “had spent most of my life” because I just don’t do that shit anymore. The second my life turned into a Jerry Springer episode a few years back I started to rethink stuff. Starting with, of course, marriage. Not just my own. But all of them. Everything. Everyone. I’ll get to that in a minute.
I soon realized that no matter what you do, or don’t do…there isn’t some big scoreboard in the sky that rewards you for being a good person. It just doesn’t happen. After my ex-husband knocked up his boss and remarried her mere months after we got married/divorced, I had a plethora of questions. And I had a plethora of doctors listening to said questions. We surmised the answers to them, but realized….simply….there just were no answers. And at that moment, I learned to live with uncertainties in life. To not ask why, because it was futile. There is no why or why not. There just IS.
I don’t mean to get all Yoda on everyone and say shit that is sort of deep. But seriously…humans just do whatever they want. Regardless of anyone else’s feelings or responsibilities. We are all about self-gratification. I wasn’t like that. But I sure as hell am now. Instead of “Woe is me. I suck,” mantra, it’s turned in to, “Sucks being you, bitch!! Outta my way!! Move, bitch. Get out the way. Get out the way. Bitch. Get out the way!” Oh Luda…Anyway….
So back to marriage. Now that I’m divorced I’ve given it all a lot of thought. How many people do you know that are currently having an affair, or has had one? I’m not talking about your relationships. I’m talking friends and relatives. I bet you know at least one person who is a cheater or has been cheated on. And I’m talking married people now. Not single people. I’m talking VOWS. I solemnly swear. I do. All that shit.
At first I was extremely mad at the mistress/slut, but then that sort of just faded away. I mean, she didn’t exchange vows with me. She was single and could do whatever she wanted. It wasn’t her job to make sure my husband stayed chaste. It was my husband who OWED me something. Who should’ve had the decency to give me a heads up about what he was doing so that I could go off and do my own thing too. But no. Cheaters are selfish. I get it now. As they should be. It’s all about them. And, along the same lines, it’s all about me too. JMo = selfish. (Hence why I have no offspring.)
So I’m not married. I’m single. For awhile after my marriage fell apart I felt this urge to go sleep with married guys and stick it to the world. But then that subsided. I went back to being little miss priss. Playing by the rules. Doing the “right” thing.
And then one day I was like “What the fuck? Why do I need to play by the rules? No one else is.” Because let’s face it – no one else is seriously playing by the rules. They say they are…but they aren’t. So neither am I. Granted I’m not going to become a drug mule or murder anyone. Just simply put: I have no allegiance to anyone except myself. Me. Me Me. It’s all about me. I will do what a wish, with whomever I wish, whenever I wish. It’s actually freeing. I don’t care about being judged. I just want to be happy. And shedding myself of all these stupid rules that don’t apply to me specifically….whew. Takes a load off of my mind.
I hope some of that made sense. I just needed to vent.