Bow, chicka, bow-wow
That’s what my baby said
Mow, Mow, Mow
And my heart starts pumpin’
Chicka, chicka, chew-wop
Never gonna stop
Gitchee-gitchee-goo means that I love you
Those are lyrics to a song sung by Phineas and Ferb (or just Phineas really) from the show by the same title. Yes, they are cartoons and on the Disney Channel…but my friends, this shows me two things: 1. Bow, Chicka Bow-Wow (the porn song, not the song above) has not only gone mainstream but is now in children’s entertainment. And 2. Phineas and Ferb could be writing greeting cards.
Yes, my friends, greeting cards. While I was perusing my way through a Hallmark store last week, my eye couldn’t help but catch one lonely card in an overwhelming sea of cards (Blank Inside! – for all the Brian Regan fans out there! Take Luck!) jockeying for my attention.
Hallmark, the King of Cards, has started a new line: Suggestive Love. (Their words, not mine.)
I debated not picking it up and reading it. But how could I not? I tried to walk away but I could see the top of the card baiting me. “Jen…you know you want to read this! No one will know!”
Could you walk away? I give you exhibit A:
- “Suggestive” Love
I waited until two ladies moved along. I didn’t want to be SEEN reading the Suggestive Love card. Finally they left and I grabbed at it with my eager hands. I had to take video so I could get the words just right.
Disclaimer: I am not claiming to have written this. Hallmark owns all copyright material on this card. Again, I did not write this card.
exploring each other’s bodies.
Oh, how I love loving you like that.
I love those moments –
some little. Some big.
Being with you is so delicious.
I’m always amazed
at how deeply you touched me
with your love.
But when we’re together like that
kissing, touching, loving like we do
well, I’m beyond amazed.
I’m in pure, soul-stirring,
heart-pounding, skin-tingling bliss.
Oh, yeah, I love
loving you like that.
Because I love you
with all that I am.
WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN???????
First of all, it’s clearly suggestive. My favorite part: “some little. some big.” Not said but understood, “some little. some big. Like your dick.”
Second, “I’m always amazed at how deeply you touched me.” What they really meant: “I can’t friggin’ believe how deeply you got your <enter male body part> into my <female body part>.”
You get the idea. After I gagged, laughed and stood in complete awe, I thought, “Whoever raised their hand at the Hallmark meeting and was like ‘Um, excuse me. I have an idea. How about we have cards with people wrapped up in sheets on the cover, clearly naked and in bed. And then write suggestive words that basically describe their love-making. We can call it ‘Suggestive Love.’ has THE HUGEST BALLS IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE BUSINESS. Can you even imagine bringing this idea to your boss???
Then I thought, “This person is my hero.” Seriously, I’m so jealous. How does one get the job of designing and writing Suggestive Love cards. I want that job. I am throwing my hat into the ring, Hallmark. I want a crack at writing “skin-tingling” words for your sex cards. Oh yeah!
We can even do cross-promoting. Want to move some of that Yankee Candle overstock? No problem. Let’s start suggesting:
Oh how I love
the feeling of your body
next to mine
as the wax of the Clean Cotton candle by Yankee Candle
drips on my heaving body of tingliness.
Dear Hallmark – you’re welcome. xojmo
I just up-sold and I don’t even work in your stores. Boo-yah!
Then I starting thinking, Who is this card for? Is it for a man to buy for a woman? Or vice versa? I have to say, if a man ever gave me this card I’d be all “What the hell is this???”
So I guess this is for a woman to buy for a man. But really?? You know what kind of Suggestive Card your man will want/love:
Want a blow job right now?
That’s it. The front can be blank. Or just have a picture of a football or something. And then open it up and that’s all it says. That’s it. That’ll be his favorite card OF ALL TIME!! You don’t even have to sign it.
Dear Hallmark – you’re welcome again. xojmo
I’m suggesting right now that I begin writing the new line of cards – Cards for Straight Men – for the Hallmark company immediately. I predict they will be the most popular cards in the history of the company.
At this moment I am actually really disappointed that I didn’t buy this card. I mean…it’s gold. Oh well. Maybe someone will get it for me!!!!
Dear Hallmark – I await your email begging me to work for your company,