So while I was doing research for a new post I want to blog, I ran into a completely different topic which I will get to another time, and now I have a third topic I need to just jot down quickly because I find it so amusing yet insulting!
I believe I’ve blogged one other time about Disney on this site. I try not to talk about it too much because I know I’ll lose my street cred (if I have any at all). So I keep it on the down low usually. But the cat’s out of the bag for this post. I’m a Disneyphile. Planning a trip to Disney World and don’t know where to start? I’m your girl. Already booked your trip and plan on just winging it while you’re down there? I’m cringing. Haven’t booked your trip and usually wait until the last-minute, but you feel like you have five months so what’s the rush? I say, FIVE MONTHS AWAY? THAT IS LAST MINUTE! And then throw the sirens into Defcon 1 status.
Look, my motto…a poorly planned Disney trip is a waste of money. You might as well just take the thou and burn it in your fireplace. Save yourself the aggravation of flying all the way down to Orlando to just stare at a map and get turned away at restaurants. Oh and for those who don’t know, Disney World isn’t even in Orlando. It’s in Lake Buena Vista. The airport is in Orlando. MCO. Yes I know everything you need to know about this destination vacation. But okay, back to my post.
My boss, whom I admire and revere very much, has been contemplating taking her family to Disney World. But seemed very clueless about the whole thing. So I jumped on that like a Fire Fighter would jump on a burning puppy. Whoa whoa whoa!!! You want to go in June? Why? It’s hot as hell down there. And the crowds. Holy Jesus. You’ll wait two hours in line for ‘it’s a small world’. Who the hell wants to do that??? Oh you don’t care when you go? Well then that’s different. So then I talked about all the different times I’ve been and what my favorite time is (December) but then she was sold on October. Nice. Weather is warm. Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party (A.K.A. MNSSHP for those in the know) is taking place on select nights (separate admission is required) and the crowds aren’t too bad. Perfect!
AND then nothing happened. She didn’t book. She didn’t heed my “You have to book now so you can get reservations at Cinderella’s Royal Table. You need to make those 180 days out!” You see, she has two young princesses herself, so of course I recommended having a meal with Her Majesty! It’s a tough seating to get! Listen to me!!! I know what I’m talking about.
Finally after secretly nagging her through ESP mind-waves, she finally told me this morning that they are going to book. And then she ran away. Ok, I’ll take it. I’m concerned for the kids. I mean, this will be their first trip. It’s important. I remember my first time at Disney World. I remember leaving Magic Kingdom for the last time and CRYING my eyes out. Holding on to my Minnie Mouse stuffed doll for dear life. I mean, is there a more perfect place on Earth than Walt Disney World?? My friend, I tell you, there is not. (See, told you – crazy Disney person on board.)
So as I was leaving this evening I strolled by the office to give her the final nudge…”Hey so you’re going to book this weekend right?” Then I was going to say goodnight after her confirmation and whistle my way out the door into my the waiting arms of the weekend.
But then the whirlwind happened. “Let’s do it now. I’m ready.” Oh okay wow… Ok. So I grabbed a seat, pulled it up to her desk and we started the process.
Now months ago I did ask her what type of hotel she would want to stay in. My boss is a classy lady with a classy title, but I didn’t want to assume that she would want to stay in the Grand Floridian. Is it gorgeous? Yes. But worth the money? No way. What a waste. You’re not there to enjoy the hotel. You’re there to enjoy Mickey Mouse Ice Cream Bars, Space Mountain and Tigger feeling you up. KIDDING! I’ve never been felt up at Disney World….by a cast member anyway! *rimshot*
So when we had the hotel talk (months ago. Ahem) I recommended Pop Century after she gave me her criteria (fun for the kids, pool, clean etc) and not super expensive. Got it. Perfect. Disney’s Pop Century resort is the best Value Resort IMO and the newest (albeit it’s over ten years old now I believe. Too lazy to research that). Over the top theming, great pool for little kids, decent bus service, large gift shop (fave!) and large cafeteria.
So let me skip to what I’m trying to get at here. At first when she saw the pictures of Pop, she said “This looks bright. Where else can I stay?” Well I’m not going to suggest All Star Resorts (the busing situation is a mess) so I bumped up to Moderate and explained that the theming isn’t as fun and there’s just a bunch of old people there (it’s true. Two years I’ve gone to WDW now and I’ve stayed at both Riverside and French Quarter and it was like an AARP convention was going on.) THEN we looked at prices. She liked the prices for Pop Century better for October. See? Told you! Why would I lie? Again, I respect you. I like you. You’re my boss and I want to impress you! Let me use my Disney knowledge to kiss up. KIDDING! (not really)
So then she asks, “Do the rooms smell?”
And my brain went into shock and overload at the same time. My yet undiagnosed ADD kicked into high gear and automatically all these questions started filling my brain one after the other…ding ding ding ding….like a pinball machine. And the answer to all of these questions was “NO!” and apparently my mouth couldn’t form any other words besides that. So literally I just kept saying “No!” over and over again. Incredulously: No! Insulted: No! Perplexed: No?! Wait? Wha…No! At least 14 times in a row: No! Almost like a teenager that was caught with Sambuca in her closet and her dad asks, “Is this yours?” What? No! But like, almost couldn’t get the words out because she is so flustered. Except I’m not LYING like that lushy slut.
But here’s the best part, I can now tell you, my JMonsters, what I was actually thinking. Here are the questions that came to mind all at once:
1. Would I, your employee, recommend a hotel that has smelly rooms to you, my boss/VP? NO!! How would that make me look if you checked in and was like “What the fuck? This room is disgusting and smells. Jen is out of her mind. I don’t trust her anymore! Dirty dirty Jen with no taste and likes smelly hotel rooms! Demotion!”
2. Do I seem like a person who stays in smelly rooms?? NO! I mean, I hope I don’t. That doesn’t make me feel good that my boss would THINK for a second that I’m staying in hotel rooms that smell and can be rented by the hour. (She didn’t say that. If you haven’t caught on yet, or this is your first time reading xojmo, I tend to exaggerate. I know. It’s hard for some people to believe. Go with it.)
3. I’m insulted on a deep Disney level. The one thing I love most about Disney, besides their storytelling, is their cleanliness. Do I occasionally see something dirty or a patch of brown grass or maybe a rude cast member? Yes, but they are few and far between. Honestly!! But c’mon. Disney embodies clean both literally and figuratively! So just because they are “value” resort rooms, doesn’t mean they are dirty with semen stains on the rugs and bed spreads. Ok, I said “semen.” Just get over it already. Jeez. And besides, even the bathrooms at the parks are clean. I cannot remember, hand to God, a time when I walked into a restroom in Magic Kingdom (like next to Town Hall or in between Frontierland and Adventureland. YES I KNOW WHERE ALL THE BATHROOMS ARE. JEALOUS??) and NOT have it sparkling clean? I’ve never pushed open a bathroom stall and thought “Holy Hell what died in the bowl?” Always clean. Always stocked with toilet paper and hand towels. And those are bathrooms. Where dirty stuff takes place. So why would hotel rooms where Mexicans work really hard to clean them, be smelly?? No no no. That is NOT the Disney way! Walt’s cryogenically frozen body is rolling over in his vestibule. Or whatever those tubes are called.
4. Ok, there was no number 4 question and I’m not going to make one up to sensationalize the story. But you can see by the three chock full questions/topics above that my brain just short circuited. NO NO NO!!!! No smelly rooms. In fact, all rooms are no smoking now. The maids make little animals out of towels and then take your children’s stuffed animals and put them together in the window to greet you when you get home. Etc. Etc.
The rooms do not smell. Period.
And then I thought, “Holy shit, what if her room IS smelly? I’m screwed. C’mon Disney. Please make sure that goddamn room smells good. I’ll FedEx some Fabreeze down. Help a sister out!!” Seriously, wouldn’t it be my tremendously horrible bad luck that her room smells? Ugh.
I tried to make her feel better by saying, “Look, if you and your husband were going down on a romantic vacation I wouldn’t recommend this hotel. But this is for the kids!”
And then she looked at me like “WHY would my husband and I go on a romantic vacation to Walt Disney World?”
And then I remember, not everyone is like me. Not everyone is a Disneyphile. I realize that instead of a romantic vacation at the Polynesian Resort, a couple may actually want to go to the real Polynesian islands. Not me. I’m a Disney girl at heart. And when I hug Mickey Mouse, THAT is Mickey Mouse and not a 5’0″ high school girl trying to early college credits.
M-I-C – See ya real soon! K-E-Y -Why because I like you!
P.S. When I did spellcheck on this before publishing it, it did not recognize “Tigger” and gave me some suggestions as to what I possibly meant. No, WordPress, I did not mean the N-Word. Although that certainly would’ve made everyone forget about my saying “semen.” And then beg the question “Why did she say that an N-word would feel me up at Disney World?”