Everything I Needed to Know About Men I Learned from Meatloaf

I remember very distinctly the first time I heard the song “Paradise By The Dashboard Light.”  I was 16 years old and in the car with my sister, who was driving.  I remembered being glued to my seat listening to the story unfold. I remember my sister saying, “You’ve never heard this song before?” Um no. I don’t see you rocking out to Meatloaf in your room either, missy, so why the hell would I have heard it. But I think 16 years old (and still being a virgin) is a PERFECT time to hear Paradise. 

But before I get into that I just wanted to give shout outs to two other things that clued me into the fact that yes, men and women were very different. The first being the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Gosh, I just remember the author, John Gray, being everywhere on TV. And even at that young age I thought…Wait, does he even like women? Is that why he thinks they are from Venus? Do women scare him? But I digress.

I don’t remember where I heard or read the following quote, and I even tried Google-ing it to find out, but alas no luck. I cannot take credit for it, because I KNOW I didn’t think it up. But I remember hearing/reading it and it has stayed with me forever. It is very truthful and honest and quite telling:

Men use love for sex. Women use sex for love.

Basically, men will say “I love you” to get laid. And women will fuck men to feel loved. So so true.

So back to Meatloaf.  I’m guessing that everyone out there has heard this song, but if by some chance you’re reading this and you HAVEN’T heard it, please do yourself a favor – stop reading this and immediately download it on iTunes. Again, it’s epic. And then come back and read the rest of this post. I mean, duh…I don’t want to lose a reader!

Anyway, I remember listening to Meatloaf talking about “we were barely 17 and we were barely dressed.” Even Donna Martin knew what that meant.

But then the girl stopped him before reaching home base and started singing about  “I gotta know right now! Before we go any further, do you love me? Will you love me forever?”

And this banter goes back and forth for a while. Again, gripping epic drama. What will happen?!

And then, finally, Meatloaf declared his love for her:

I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave/that I would love you to the end of time/I swore that I would love you ’til the end of time!

Awwww! Meatloaf! Sweet.

And then as I continued to listen, my jaw dropped in utter amazement. And that’s when I realized what a man really thinks when you’re giving him blue balls:  He’ll say friggin’ anything to get it in.

Exhibit Q: (That’s a Pee-Wee joke!)

So now I’m praying for the end of time (JMo’s jaw starts to open)
To hurry up and arrive (He didn’t just say that right?)
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive (OMG!)
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!!

Oh no he didn’t!!!!

“So that I can end my time with you.”

Holy shit, dude. He literally wants the end of time to come so he doesn’t have to break his vow. But yeah, he lied. He said he would love her until the end of time and clearly that was bullshit.

And yeah, that’s always sitting in the back of my mind. It’s so honest and so raw. I love it – don’t get me wrong. It cracks the shit out of me now. But back then, as a virginal 16 year old…I felt like I was being let in on a secret. I was sort of disappointed. Sex isn’t romantic, in a bed covered in rose petals by candlelight. It’s in a sweaty car, uncomfortable, with your dude saying whatever he damn well has to…to well….get fucked.

I respect that. I really do. But it just shows you how very different men and women are. Thank you, Meatloaf, for spelling it out so eloquently and honestly for me.

Thoughts?

xojmo

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