Dear Starbucks

You are a coffee-house known for making ridiculously complicated drinks. Half-Caf, Decaf, wet, dry, foam, no foam, fat, no fat, cappuccino, Latte, Frappelattecinos, etc.  Yet the drink I order, boringly simple, always gets messed up. Why? WHY??

Venti (which is Large in normal people speak) Black Iced Tea Unsweetened.

What, exactly, is difficult to understand about this?

So I walk into my local Starbucks and there’s a chick behind the counter with pig-tails. When she turns around – oh hey grandma…nice hair-do! I clearly state my order, and Dave Navarro look-a-like comes out of the Starbucks Catacombs and repeats the order, or so I thought. Meanwhile Nana asks me how my day is going. I couldn’t have looked more disinterested in where this conversation may or may not go. But instead of yelling “What the fuck do you really care?” I mustered up a hearty “Fine. And you?” Oh and P.S. WAY too old for pigtails. The 60’s were a while ago, Pippi Birkingstocking.

So while Dave whips up a batch of complicated tea for me, he asks “Did you want lemonade in that?”

What the fuck? Did I ask for that? I understand that 99.9% of the Starbucks populations loves the shit out of their half and half (iced tea/lemonade) drinks but I think they are disgusting. The lemonade is too lemony or something. I had it once a long time ago. Decided I hated it. Then five years go by, I decide to try it again,  and almost threw up in the middle of the Target I was in. Yes, a Target with a Starbucks. It’s like Heaven really.

Ok back to Dave: “Did you want lemonade with that or just tea?”

“Just tea,” I answered and thought, “phew, now I don’t have to cause a ruckus in here by throwing the disgusting iced tea/lemonade all over Nanny McPhee over there.”

And then I see Dave squirt syrup in my cup for what seemed like eternity. Chill out dude, I’m pretty sure each squirt is like 5 calories and you just handed me 9000 calories in syrup. I just wanted unsweetened so I could add ONE sweet n low myself. SIGH. See, complicated. And I didn’t say anything because I felt bad. Like it would all be wasted if I didnt take it. Dont get me wrong, I actually LIKE sweetened tea with syrup at Starbucks. But it’s fewer calories if I sweeten it myself. But seriously dude, c’mon. If you guys can’t handle doing an order correctly then either A) write it down or B) have one of those screens like they do at McDonald’s so you can read the order the put it all together correctly. 

I dunno. It just really bugs me. My drink is simple. I could do it myself. But I need to pay almost $3.00 to get it, so PLEASE, can you try to make it right next time? I’m not asking a whole hell of a lot.

That’s why I don’t tip you,


4 thoughts on “Dear Starbucks

  1. You should stop going to Starbucks! I LOVE coffee shops but good ‘ole Starbucks is not one of them. They have lost their overall appeal. I mean they did introduce a language to talk about coffee. It’s like asking someone how many languages they speak and they could say, French, Spanish and Starbucks, Venti machiatto non-fat soy reduced foam with double shot of espresso. You graduate to expert level when you can say this in one breath without saying “um” in between! I agree the trend is stale.

    What I hate about starbucks is how they are managing the lines these days. People walking around in head sets, a person shepherding through like sheep. Where am I? The airport? It feels like a hustle.

  2. I am going to stop going to Starbucks. Wow, in one day you’ve shaped my opinion on two things!!

    I have not experienced any new weird line management system. If I had, I’m sure I would’ve stopped going to Starbucks a long time ago.

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