Couple things before I start:
1) Racial jokes are included. I apologize upfront but you will see that they were harmless.
2) Names have been changed to protect hot cops from being identified.
Tonight was my night to work the 5-10pm shift at the liquor store. (For those who don’t read XOJMO regularly *SIGH* I work part-time at a liquor store for extra cash.) During the day I was at the mall and HURRAH the Hallmark Dreambook is out…and I love me some Hallmark ornaments. (I just realized that I mention Hallmark all the time in my blogs. WTF?) I purposely saved the book in my purse for this evening so that I could flip through it at my leisure if there was any down time. Circling, of course, the ornaments I would want this Christmas.
Christmas is the theme, because when I got to work, my manager asks me, “Do you know what today is?” And I answer, “Yeah, June 25th.” And she goes, “And?” And I have no idea. Lay it on me.
“Six months until Christmas!”
Oh Joy! I love Christmas and I happen to have the Dreambook right here in my purse. Can’t wait to look at it. But before I do, I must help some customers.
Finally I notice a wallet just hanging out on the counter. It comes to find out…the lady who left it there was in the store before I even got there. Wow, we have great customers who don’t steal anything.
Later on, a chick going to the Taylor Swift concert (snore) left her cell phone on the counter. Luckily we found it right away and caught up to her in the parking lot. Whew! Everyone sure is leaving stuff around tonight. But it’s all good.
Time to flip through the Dreambook. I get to page 7 (below) with a bunch of Santa’s on it. One of these things is not like the others. This one is called “A Christmas Surprise.”
And I say to my manager (and I’m not proud of this. But whatever! You know you make white people jokes. Although I have no idea if that’s true or not), “Surprise! Santa is black!”
To which she says to me: “Why do they make him look like he is taking something out of the stocking instead of putting something in it??”
And I’m truly wondering, why is he winking? You can’t tell from this picture, but Black Santa is winking. Wearing black boxing gloves (??) and “taking” something out of the stocking.
Ok cheap laugh. Stupid. I’ll admit it. But I only made the “Surprise. Black Santa” joke. Forgive me!!
Time elapses and the CRAZIEST looking couple comes in. Woman: 40 y.o.-ish, 5’4″, hugest black purse I’ve ever seen, bright red faux hawk strip down the middle of her hair, fat. Um okay. Her male friend: 6’2″, bright neon green hat, neon green sneakers, green plaid shorts and a black Nike shirt, with you guessed it…Neon green letters.
For whatever reason it was the most chaotic 5 minutes of my life. At first they buy two packs of Newports. She pays in cash, digging for change in her purse, this goes on forever. Then he wants to buy some gum and hands me a dollar bill. Um, dude, this isn’t Big Red, this is Orbit and that shit if $1.49. And now all of a sudden, she wants to buy another pack of Newports. And now he wants to buy a bottle of water and hands me another dollar. Son, this is Evian. It’s way over a dollar. Now he doesn’t want the water. Meanwhile a guy is waiting in line to buy some Blackberry Schnapps. Jesus. This poor guy. She puts her purse down on the counter by the closed register and I help the next guy. He needs Powerball tickets, I turn my back and get the tickets. Couple’s gone. No big deal.
After Blackberry Schnapps Guy (BSG) leaves, I notice my cell phone is gone. I left if on the counter, close to the register by my Iced Tea and my Dreambook. It is gone. And I can only suspect that couple. I’m sorry, but who else had the time and ability too? BSG? Nope. Was never over there. But she was…with her big ass purse.
Cops are called. And Officer F.I.N.E. walks in. We go in the back room to talk. He’s taking my statement. I said, “I think it’s that couple. And I really hate blaming them because…” I whisper “They are black.” Back to regular voice, “And I’m not blaming them cuz they’re black. I’m not. I swear.” Which completely makes me sound like I am racist, when I’m totally not. I feel ridiculous.
Anyway, he asks to see the video tape and my manager brings him upstairs to view it. I never get to see it, but from what I’m told, Red Fauxhawk puts her purse down on the counter and when my back is turned she swipes my Blackberry and shoves it in her purse.
I’m thinking…They are long gone. FUCK. And I don’t have insurance on this phone!!! Waaaah. And now I can’t text all night or check Twitter. Double Fuck and Double Waaaaaah!!
“Oh shit I don’t have any inappropriate pictures on that phone do I?…. Nope. Whew!!!!”
Anyway, before Officer Wanna Get Friendly went upstairs we were talking, I started thinking, “Well if I’m already having a shitty night I might as well enjoy his fineness while he’s here.”
“What’s your name officer?”
(here’s where the “names have been changed come in.”)
“Well, last name first. John Smith.”
“Doesn’t matter. You’ll always be Smith John to me now.”
Giggle giggle. Flirt flirt. I ask him about the gadgets on his belt. A gun, a taser, two sets of black handcuffs, a radio, a flashlight, two magazines and a cell phone…right above his crotch. Which I’m now staring at. And can’t seem to stop. Hey, I’m traumatized. Let me have my jollies okay??? He told me that he has tased two people. And he was once tased himself. Blah blah blah…he has his Blackberry (jerkface) and its right above his crotch on the belt. That’s all I’m thinking. ‘Waah. My Blackberry is gone! Crotch! Waaaah, my Blackberry is gone! Crotch. Waaaah.”
Before he leaves he tells me that they probably took it and sold it right away for drugs or something. He said they didn’t look familiar to him. I dunno. Wasn’t really listening to him. Gave me his card with the report number on it. Blah blah blah, he was gone.
Now right after the cop leaves, he actually pulls someone over right outside the plaza I’m working in. Two backup cruisers. And arrest and a seized car. And all I’m thinking is “Oh Jesus…now he’s going to have to do all that paperwork and he’s not going to care about my little phone. Shit shit shit! That couple is long gone. Fuck.”
Why yes I do tend to swear a lot in my thoughts. Thanks for asking.
About 45 minutes after my phone is stolen and Officer Crotchphone is gone, a guy comes in wearing his Holiday Inn shirt (employee) and buying beer. Why he is buying beer AND going back to work is none of my business. But I say to him, “Hey dude, did you see some chick with a bright red mohawk at the Holiday Inn and her friend wearing all neon green?”
“No. But they would probably fit in with the bunch of misfits at the hotel right now. There’s a Narcotics Anonymous convention going on right now. You should get a load of these folks.”
For whatever reason, I hand him a book of matches from the store and say “Look, if you see those two that I described at the Holiday Inn tonight, call the store and let me know….”
And he leaves.
My manager comes down and says…”This is totally my fault. I made that terrible joke about the Black Santa taking the present OUT of the stocking and look what happens. You can totally blame me. It’s bad Karma.” And maybe she’s joking, but I’m starting to think she’s right. Wench. She goes upstairs and I continue sulking, trying to be upbeat for the customers but I’m totally bummed out.
Fifteen minutes later I’m on the store phone talking to my sister, bitching about my terrible luck, when my manager sticks her head out from the upstairs office, like Lou from Taxi…
“JMo,” she says, “A guy from Holiday Inn just called and said the people you described to him are there!”
To be continued…