From JMo to JLo, With Love

From one Jenny from the Block to another (although I abhor the name Jenny), I have some advice for Jennifer Lopez:

Get back together with Puffy, or P. Diddy, or Diddy or Sean Jean or Sean Combs or Diddy Dirty Money. Whatever he calls himself….run, don’t walk, back to Puff Daddy!!

I know it sounds crazy. But as far as Wiki is concerned, Kim and him are broken up so she doesn’t want him anymore. So that means he is FREE to go back with you. It’s a story book romance. Full of Versace dresses, gun fights in nightclubs and two sets of twins. Yes, for those who don’t know…Puffy and Kim had twin girls. And JLo and Marc Anthony had twins as well.

Speaking of which…What the hell Jennifer Lopez? I really do have a love/hate relationship with you.  Let’s start with those kids of yours.

Look, I’m happy you finally got to have kids after all this time. Yippee!! But Max and Emme? Do you not have friends? Especially friends with children? Because if you did, they would’ve told you that Max and Emme are the names of the kids on the Dragon Tales cartoon. Why did you name your kids after the Dragon Tales kids?? Seriously? What the fuck Jennifer Lopez?? You might as well just have called them Ernie and Bert, Tom and Jerry or Fred and Wilma. I can’t believe you didn’t Google that shit before signing the birth certificates. That’s really strange.

Ok, and Marc Anthony? Seriously?? Why?? He’s like half your height and half your weight. He’s gross. He looks like a miniature skeleton with melty flesh on his face. Ew. Gross. And wasn’t he like married or getting a divorce when you hooked up with him??  Here’s a hint….sit down with the soon to be ex-wife and find out WHY you shouldn’t be with him. See, she already went through the “honeymoon phase” with him (both figuratively and literally) and could tell you what to expect five years down the road. (Good advice for you too, Leann Rimes. Eddie is SMOKING HOT, but he cheated on his wife, the mother of his child, and he’ll cheat on you. You’re welcome! Oh and eat a sandwich. You look like Marc Anthony.)

You marry Marc Anthony (again, WHY? Gross. You could’ve gone to a sperm bank. I’m sure there is plenty of hispanic sperm just sitting there.) and he makes you sing songs in Spanish. Look, JLo…no one wants to hear that nonsense. We all want to hear “Think you gotta keep me iced you don’t…Even if you were broke, my love don’t cost a thing…” Seriously. Your new song with Pitbull…it’s a hit…because it’s in ENGLISH!!

So in the beginning of Bennifer, I really did like you. But then you did the unspeakable and made Ben into a douche. AND single-handedly tanked his career.  Once Ben started slicking back his hair and driving a Bentley (A BENTLEY!!) around Cape Cod, that was it. Once you mess with Matt and Ben, you’re dead to me. Oh, and you wore those ridiculous fox fur faux eyelashes to the Oscars. Think no one remembers that? I do. You looked so gorgeous but ruined the whole thing with those outlandish “Look at how rich I am” eyelashes. That doesn’t say “Jenny from the Bronx block” to me. It says “Jennifer shops in Paris and on Rodeo Drive. And you don’t you poor losers at home.”

My advice to you….call up Puffy. And if you don’t want to…I get it. Why don’t you just be a single mom for a while? Why are you chasing after love so badly??  What happened to you? I feel really bad. I feel like you and Jennifer Aniston should start a club. Oh shit, I’m unlucky in love AND my name is Jennifer. I could so be in that club too.  Although it can’t be the name that is unlucky: Just look at Jennifer Garner. She went from Alias to Mrs. Ben Affleck. And gosh darn, those two are sooooo cute together. AND after marrying her, Ben cranked out Gone Baby Gone and The Town. Those are no Gigli’s my friend.

And, hey, JLo, do me a favor…can you actually sing live somewhere? Because I’m not so sure you can.


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