I actually do enjoy having my birthday right (well almost right) at the beginning of the year. Gets it all over with. New Year. New Resolutions (which I don’t make). New age.
Yuck. I know a woman is never supposed to tell her age, but let’s just say I’m not 35 anymore.
Is this what it’s like to get old? I don’t feel old. I still feel 30. Hell I still feel 27. I guess it’s hard for me to get older because I have nothing really to show for it. Well, I’ve got that divorce. But that’s it.
No husband and anniversaries.
No kids and their milestones (or their “I love you Mommy!”).
Not even any pets to fawn over.
It’s just me, and my non-exciting life.
I sort of realized over the holidays that I’m more embarrassed of my life than anything else. I really do want to be like the rest of you normal people. But for some reason, it has all escaped me. I spend my days wondering what I can do to change things. How does one change their whole existence this late in the game? I’m lucky because I don’t have those aforementioned things to “tie” me down. But jeez, what if I did want to be tied down? The reason why I’m not is because it takes two. And I’m just a sad party of one.
Oh. But I’ve decided to not be so sad. So instead I’m just a party of one. Party!! Woooo!! You know, I keep waiting for my life to have meaning. Maybe I have to start accepting that it doesn’t have any and may not. Ever.
I’m a tiny speck on the face of the earth that’s been around for billions of years in a neverending universe. That’s mind-blowing.
But anyway – as I look forward to another new year that could bring new and exciting things – I reflect on today, my birthday. I think about what I have done. And what I can do. And what is totally left out of my control.
Here’s to out of my control,