An Intimate Conversation

Ok, is it just me, or does that happen to you too?  Whenever I walk into a certain store, all of a sudden I’ve got to use the bathroom. And I’m talking #2 here. (Sorry!) I’m not sure if it’s some sort of Pavlov’s Dog thing…but instead of a bell, my body senses  “Oh JMo is in TJ Maxx. Time for a bowel movement.”

The follow is the conversation that my inner self had with my body.

JMo: You get the max for the minimum, minimum price. And it’s never, ever the same….place twice. Doo doo doo doo TJ Maxx. Oooh, Coach sunglasses…

JMo’s Body: I know you just put those sunglasses in your shopping cart and are clearly on your way around the store to shop at your leisure, but you’ve got to have a BM right now.

JMo: What? No way. I just started shopping. I’m not taking a dump in the restroom here. Leave me alone. Why now? I didn’t feel anything brewing all day and certainly not on the drive over here.

JMo’s Body: Ok, but I suggest you do or I’m going to cause you great discomfort. So much so that you won’t be able to enjoy your shopping endeavor.

JMo: Whatever. I’m going to squeeze out some farts and be totally fine. When no one’s around I just let some gas go.

JMo’s Body: Nope. Not gonna help. Actually it’s going to make you feel worse because it’s really going to want to come out. You watch.

JMo: Seriously. Leave me alone. I’m shopping. Albeit, very uncomfortably.

JMo’s Body: HA! I told you! I’m gonna make it worse too. You watch.

JMo: Look, sorry. I’m almost done looking around. I just need to head back to the jewelry counter for that stackable ring I love.

JMo’s Body: You’ll never make it. You’ll never make it.

JMo:  C’mon! Right after that I’ll check out and leave. And then guess what? I’ll make sure I drive straight over to Target and run into their bathroom.

JMo’s Body: NO. Go use the bathroom here!! Hurry!

JMo:  No. No. I can’t!!! Someone may pilfer through my shopping cart and take those awesome Coach sunglasses that are 50% less than the normal asking price. You saw: there were no more on the sunglass rack. I can’t risk it. Here look, jewelry lady helped me right away and I’m buying the ring. I’m heading right to the checkout counter. Plus, you know I get paranoid leaving my cart outside the restroom door. I fear that an employee will start returning all my treasures!

JMo’s Body: You have serious issues.

JMo: I know.

*JMo checks out and heads toward the exit*

JMo’s Body: You better hurry up. It’s peeking out!!

JMo:  Ok Ok!! Here we are…we’re outside heading toward the car..hey wait a minute…

JMo’s Body:   Nevermind.

JMo:  What the fuck? That is really fucked up. I rushed out of there specifically for this.

JMo’s Body: Hey what can I say? To get back at you, you’ll be constipated later and there will be blood involved.

JMo: Gee, thanks.

JMo’s Body: Anytime.


So am I the only one? I thought so.


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