Boob-a-Thon!

I was going to title this post “We Have Some Catching Up To Do” but then I thought “Hmm, ‘Boob-a-Thon’ might get more readers!”

So if you’re a teenaged boy who needs to see boobs but is tired of old Internet Porn Boobage (not sure how THAT could happen, but okay), then do I have the triple play for you (and I know because I lived it.):

Go see Titanic in 3D (ooh, 3D Kate Winslet boobies!)

Then go sneak into American Reunion.

And then go home and watch Game of Thrones. Probably any episode will do but last night was chock full of bountiful boobs. Boobiful, if you will.

Ok, so my friend and I were absolutely GIDDY over seeing Titanic in 3D. Hell, even if it were in good old-fashioned 2D we would’ve been just as giddy.  I don’t know why but I have fond memories of this movie and have seen it many times since. But I honestly cannot remember the last time I saw it. And let me say this:

I don’t remember Titanic being so frigging’ funny.  My friend and I laughed out loud (“LOL”) multiple times. So much so, I thought people were going to shush us.  The actors are SO overdramatic. I guess I didn’t notice this back in 1997. Back then us girls were too busy falling in love with Leo to notice the overacting going on. But having said that, Titanic is a MOVIE! Super entertaining. I still give it thumbs way up and I cannot imagine a better villain than Billy Zane. He is perfect. (And of course, Victor Garber as the Irish Mr. Andrews. He is so handsome. It was because of him that I started watching Alias. Loved that show. Long live Sydney Bristow!)

Couple things: I’m obsessed with whatever lip stick color Rose (Kate Winslet) wore throughout the movie. Holy smokes. All I could do is stare at her lips. They are nice lips too. I am not attracted to women, so don’t get me wrong. But I really appreciate full lips. And she has them.

Speaking of full…her boobs. Ok, before I get into that, the theater slowly filled up and we noticed a youngish couple (30’s maybe) bringing in their two kids. KIDS!! The girl was 6. The boy was probably 9.  Whaaaaaaaa? Besides the fact that boobage happens, and Jack and Rose bang in the car…I dunno, there’s that huge SHIP SINKING THING that scares the bejesus out of a lot of people. Hope you weren’t planning to take them on a cruise anytime soon. I think they’ll skip it. Thanks Mom and Dad for the years of bad dreams!

So you know the scene: Rose wants Jack to draw her like the french whores…..Nekkid!! Ok not completely naked – she’d be wearing that HUGE diamond!! So as Rose comes out in her SHEER robe, I see Mr. Bad Ideas dragging his two kids out of the theater. Too bad they already saw Jack’s drawings of said french whores, titties, hairy armpits and all. Nice job, Parents of the Year.

So there. You get to see a young Kate Winslet’s boobies in 3D on a movie screen. That’s pretty cool, right pre-teen boys?

When the movie finally ended (and I mean ended, like sat through the credits to sing “My Heart Will Go On” ended) we had to head to the ladies room.  Once done there, we noticed a movie near-by was just starting. But we didn’t know what. This crappy popular chain theater is the one where they don’t display the movie title and time outside the door. Pshaw! Do they think they will stop us? Nope. It’s called Flixster. But before I could pull up what was starting at 7:15pm (yes we saw a matinée of Titanic. Shut up!) some kid was walking up and I said in my super cool hipster way, “Hey dude, what movie is this?” He told us “American Reunion” and we were sold. A solid Two-Fer was in Full Effect. (check baby check baby one two three four check baby check baby one)

The problem with the second of the Two-Fer: No snackage. Fuuuuuuck.  Oh well. *sulk*

We settled in for the 19th installment of the American Pie films. You know, the one where Jim stuck his wiener into a “warm apple pie” and dated that girl from (“this one time, at”) band camp.

Look, back then, American Pie was raunchy and funny. But since then we’ve had many films that have upped the ante like Super Bad and most other movies that Seth Rogen has been in. And Jonah Hill. Including “21 Jumpstreet” which was friggin’ hilarious and would so love to see again but no one is interested. Dammit!

So all the sequels to American Pie seem forced and this one was NO exception. You want to talk about bad acting….holy shit. It was terrible. The whole thing. But I do love me some Stifler. He just swears so superbly and I’m completely jealous of that.  Needless to say there was a lot of sex jokes and boobies. Most disturbing about that though: the boobies of Jim’s 18-year-old next door neighbor that he used to “babysit”…yeah right. What teen boys did you know that babysat? I knew ZERO.  Also disturbing…she was passed out drunk while her “clothes” got ripped off. Yeah, it was sort of …. not okay. But if that’s your thing…then go for it.

FINALLY it ended and as we walked out of movie #2….the most disturbing sight of all was had: Runner Up Parents of the Year had brought their 16 (maybe 17?) year old daughter to the movie with them. And these parents were NOT cool hip parents like Justin Bieber’s parents. The father looked like Mario from Super Mario Bros. And the mom…well, looked like a woman you would imagine was married to Luigi’s brother.

Yeah…exactly. There were jokes about rim jobs and blow jobs and gay sex and S&M, nevermind drinking, smoking (WEED) and a slew of other things. Um….don’t remember going to R-rated movies like this with my ‘rents back in the day. I have no idea how all three of them did not run out of the theater screaming with their fingers in their ears.  To make myself feel better about that situation I’m going to pretend she is a Make A Wish Foster Child (makes it sadder) and her last dying wish was to see American Reunion with her foster parents.

Nope. Still don’t feel better.

AND then, after all that I came home and snapped on HBO for the second installment of the second season of Game of Thrones. I have NO idea what is going on half the time, but I know there are a bunch of kings, a bunch of bastard children, incest and boobs. And it usually involves whores getting banged by said “kings” on some sort of war table or something. I dunno. I just can’t help but think of how unclean everyone must have been back then. And hairy. Ick. Oh but that Jon Snow…yummo. Winter is coming all right. And coming, and coming and coming. (And by “winter” I mean, JMo)

Until next time,

xojmo

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. xojmo
    Apr 10, 2012 @ 14:15:43

    Finally! A post worth beating my most read column, Warm Ketchup. Boob-a-Thon, you have done it. (At least for today!)

    Reply

  2. p-Dawg
    Apr 10, 2012 @ 16:41:59

    well, winter, i am very intrigued and thoroughly enjoyed the check your self reference.

    I’m not intrigued enough to sit through 3 hours of Titanic (never have), and I agree with you on the tired American Pie franchise, although Tara Reid brings back fond memories for me. I don’t have HBO, although this sounds like my kind of show.

    So I guess I will have to stick wtih old Internet Porn Boobage, which truly never does get old!

    Oh yeah, and the Tilted Kilt girls………..

    Reply

  3. xojmo
    Apr 11, 2012 @ 12:13:34

    You’ve never seen Titanic?????

    Reply

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