I’m impatient. Once I want something – I want it. End of story. That doesn’t make me ambitious though. It just makes me a shopaholic. (Next on my hitlist: Pink Guess Watch.)
The other day at Marshall’s I bought a ceramic pot thing that a plant can sit in. It’s pink and on clearance – so of course I bought it. The issue: I don’t know the first things about plants and I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned. Which weren’t many. The last one (if you don’t count the Chia Pet I grew for my then pet, Chelsea, to chew on) I actually had was when I was married (long ago, in a galaxy far far away). My douche-in-law….sorry, mother-in-law gave me a hanging plant. An actual plant without flowers. I killed it within a week. I had no idea how many times to water it. You wouldn’t just give me a baby to take care of, would you?? Without telling me what to do with it? I thought so. That’s how I view a plant. I just stare at it and wonder if I have to talk to it or not.
So after finding a pink ceramic pot thing to put a plant in, I was hell-bent on buying said plant. I don’t own a home. I live in an apartment home. A fancy way to say “condo you don’t own.” So I need a plant/flower thing that doesn’t need a lot of sun (because in all honesty, I have NO idea just how much sun my balcony gets) and can just sit there and look pretty. Like me.
I turned to my friend, Dave, who is a landscape designer. Basically he is a nerd who loves plants and trees and such. I explained to him what I wanted and he suggested Geraniums. Did I even spell that right? No idea. I had to Google it to even see what they looked like.
So off I went with a vague idea of what I was looking for. Do you think I brought the pink ceramic pot thing with me? Nope. I had a rough idea of how big it was (ha!) and stormed my way into the Home Depot garden center.
I walked up to the first guy in an orange apron I came across and I asked him if he knew about plants (I’m IN the garden center). I expected a resounding YES, but instead got, “Not really.” I sort of believed him since he looked like he was on a work release program, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and asked, “Are you kidding, or can you really help me?” He assured me that he was NOT kidding, but offered to help me anyway. Um…ok.
Needless to say…it was fruitless. I was nice to him but secretly wanted to scream “Get the fuck away from me. You are hindering my search for a plant that I want NOW!” But instead just started walking away and not paying attention to him.
I must have walked around at least four times. Everything I ended up liking was either a freaking’ shrub (hence, not for my balcony) or a teeny tiny plant that would get lost in my planter thingy.
Work Release Guy was overheard telling Squiggy, the other guy that worked IN the garden center, that I needed help. When he approached me I was relieved: Finally a man who can help me. Alas, when I asked him if he knew about plants, I got a big ol’ “not really.” Are you kidding..etc etc. Back where I started.
Dear Home Depot Management:
Why do you hire men to work in the garden center if they have no idea what they are doing?
Anyway, I explained (AGAIN) what I needed and this guy was showing me plants that were clearly marked with a huge sticker that said “need 6-8 hours of sun.” Dude, did you not understand me when I said I had no idea HOW much sun my balcony actually gets and that it’s covered and that I probably need “some sun” or “shade” plant?
Luckily, a man who looks like a 10th grade History teacher was strolling by. He CLEARLY knew about plants so I stopped him, completely ignoring Squiggy and the two plants he was carrying around for me. (One of which the History Teacher proclaimed “needed to be soaked in water every day!” Ick, I thought. Come hither and help me!)
He started naming off all these plants, with exotic name. Asking Squiggy, “do you guys have those here? I don’t see them.” Squiggy exclaims that they deliver all plants at night! Um….ok. What does that have to do with dick?
I told Mr. History Teacher, “My friend suggested geraniums. Do you see them?”
“Yes, they are right here. My wife hates geraniums. They are so plain. Unless they are Martha Washington geraniums….do you have Martha Washington geraniums?”
*crickets from Squig*
I’m all “yeah, geraniums are ugly.” Throwing Dave right under the bus for suggested them. But now, all I want are Martha Washington geraniums!! I don’t even know what they look like!!
Eventually I said, “Well I like those.” And pointed to a random plant.
Perfect. It’s a shade plant. The ticket says to water it every day, but I think I can do that. We’ll see.
I proudly brought my new plant home and positioned it on my balcony. It’s too big for the pot, btw. Which means I’ll be back to buy another plant that can actually fit in there. But until then I need to find a stand for my Double Impatiens.
And yes, when the gentleman told me what they were, I thought they were “Impatients.” Like me. Perfect, I thought.
However, they are not Impatients. Sadness. They are Impatiens. Double Impatiens in fact. So 😛
See, I probably already know more than Lenny and Squiggy at Home Depot.
Wish me luck,