Before I tell the harrowing tale of my getting pulled over by The Man, I wanted to mention that a couple of things of note happened today:
1. I saw a jumpy house blow over with children inside of it.
2. I had my first visit to a Wegman’s today. And I’m gonna be honest…I was really excited. I am totally read to shove my favorite, Stop and Shop, right under the bus for sweet, sweet Wegman’s. I was working a ways from my home today and on my way back I saw a sign for Wegman’s. I’ve heard about them but never experienced one. Love it!! Ok that’s it.
Last week, I was trying to run some errands (A.K.A. go tanning) on my lunch break and I was taking some back roads. And I took a left (and used a blinker) on to a main road, I noticed that there was a cop behind me with his lights flashing.
I’m respectful when it comes to the cops (unless it’s Greenwich Police. But that’s another story!) so I pulled over. Put my vehicle in park and gathered my registration/license.
After what seemed like 35 minutes, the officer (with extremely white teeth) finally came to my window and asked me the dreaded question:
Copper: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
JMo (in my best fake high-pitched Kardashian-esque voice): “No, officer, I honestly have no idea. I’m so sorry.” It doesn’t hurt having blonde hair and big boobs.
Fuzz: “You were going 47 in a 30.”
JMo: “Seriously? No way! I had no idea. I can’t even believe it. Wow, I’ m so sorry.”
Between you and me and the lightpost: I could’ve guessed I was speeding. I speed, that’s what I do. I like it.
Po-Po: “When was the last time you got a ticket?”
JMo: “Honestly, I’ve never gotten a ticket.”
Mr. Officer: “Really? Well I’m not going to be the first person to give you one.”
He walks away with my license and registration and I’m practically laughing my ass off. He’s not going to give me a ticket?? What a fool!! By NOT giving me a ticket, he has done society an injustice. Foo!! I speed, therefore I am. I am, therefore I speed.
Now if it were me, and I were the officer in this situation, I’d be all like “Well then get your camera ready because you’re about to get your first ticket!” I guess I love ruining people’s days. Is it just me??
Anyway, I thought, ‘Well okay, I’m not getting a ticket (don’t know that for sure. he may have changed his mind) but I still look sorry and sullen.
I grab a straw wrapper and start tying it into knots, all sad-looking and shit. So when he comes up the window, I actually look pathetic, as opposed to blaring Eminem and chopping my crotch.
He hands me a warning, telling me it doesn’t really mean anything.
JMo: “Oh wow. Thank you so much. I am really sorry. I had no idea. Thanks again.”
I put my left blinker on and slowly pulled back into traffic.
Once the young Officer with the sunglasses and nice teeth was out my rear view mirror…zoom zoom zoom.
Like Sammy Hagar, I can’t drive 55 (or 30 in this case),
P.S. “I mean, technically you do have the right to be an attorney.”