Ok, I bought it. Or rather my sister did. While she was out on one of her many food shopping trips, she started texting me pictures of this crazy-ass stuff. And finally I was like “Can you buy those for me, because I need to blog about this.”
And here we are. Bear with me okay, because this is a picture-heavy post. Which usually isn’t my style. But in order for you, the reader, to full experience this “crap”…I had to take a lot of pictures.
First up: Crazy Apple (www.crazyapples.com)
Oh you’re not dreaming (or having a nightmare as it might be). That IS an apple in a package, and it IS bubble gum flavored. Supposedly. JMo will get to the bottom of this, don’t you worry.
“Ready-to-eat healthy snack”? You know what’s a ready-to-eat healthy snack? A fucking apple, that’s what. 100% Natural. Really? I’m no Bill Nye, but how is bubble gum flavor “natural”?
Also…the apple is wearing his hat sideways (which I guess means he’s cool to the kids?) and blowing a bubble. Get it? A bubble gum bubble. Which is the flavor of this apple. Hey, everyone, remember when apples were apple flavor? Not anymore!
(Unfortunately I cannot copy/paste from their website, but they “answer” the question on how bubble gum flavor can be “natural.”)
Clearly this is NOT geared toward my generation, so I grabbed my 10-year-old niece and said, unbiased, “Would you eat an apple that was bubble gum flavored?”
I was sure she was going to say “Yuck. Gross. No!” and dash out of the room crying her eyes out. But her answer was a resounding “Yes!! Can we eat it now?”
Ok. let’s cut this sucker up. I’m dying to taste this Bubble Gum Flavored (naturally) apple.
My reaction: I would NEVER guess in a million years it was supposed to be Bubble Gum flavor. All I kept thinking was “What’s wrong with this apple?” And “How exactly do they get the flavor INSIDE and not on the skin?” There were no visible puncture holes. So I’m perplexed.
Her reaction: Yummy! I love it! Can I eat it all? *skips off happily into the other room with bowl full of Crazy Apple slices*
Mixchief! Color Changing Pudding! Because my biggest complain about pudding has always been “Why won’t this shit change color?? Bullshit!”
Alrighty then. So…whenever I see a product that is trying to make something old, hip and new…I always picture the company’s board room…where they are pitching ideas. And seriously, I would’ve slapped this mope’s head if he brought up Heather who lives in Jell-O’s dungeon and makes pudding that changes color. “Really Randy? Go call up Heinz and ask them how well their green ketchup went over. You dipshit. You’re fired!”
But, what the fuck do I know? Randy obviously slept with the boss or everyone loved his idea. So here it is…Mixchief…the pudding that changes color. OR does it?
I enthusiastically said (and made my leery niece say) “Presto Chango make my Jello!” See what it says there….”Watch as it turns color?” Yeah well…the powder was green. And then you add milk (REAL MILK. Not Soy Milk!!) and it’s still green. Those fuckers LIE! It doesn’t change color. It’s green and it stays green. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.
Even bigger disappointment: It was vanilla pudding. And vanilla pudding has no taste. I’m strictly a chocolate pudding type of gal.
Conclusion: It’s green vanilla pudding. It never “changes” color. They lied. LIARS!!!
One last thing:
So that’s my hard-hitting news story about foods being geared toward your kids (God knows I don’t have any kids!). Next time you see something like this at your local grocery store, don’t buy it…instead tell JMo and I’ll go get it and try it. Gives me something to do!
Have you seen anything lately that made you go, “WHAT??”