Hodge Podge

Hi Ho Everybody!! I’m back.  And, my plant is dead.  Look, this should come as a shock to no one. Even Helen Keller would’ve seen this coming a mile away. I’m terrible at taking care of things.  So I did what any nurturing woman of a living thing would do: Stuff the dead thing into a bag, toss it in the trash (a la Casey Anthony) and buy something shiny and new to take care. Wheeee! So I bought gorgeous pink Gerber daisies and they fit into my pink ceramic planter thingy I bought at Marshall’s. Whew! Also, I know that I’m WAY behind on the posts I’ve promised, namely Comic-Con (I’ll spoil the ending – I didn’t get a date!) and Mall of America. And I am getting to those. Just sometimes writing is such a friggin’ bummer. I gotta put tags. I gotta email myself photos I took on my smartphone. Save them on my computer. Upload them. *SIGH* It’s just a bother sometimes. And my desk area is a mess, so it’s hard for me to stretch out without touching something that clearly should not be on my desk (Carnation Instant Breakfast packet anyone????)

I wrote that! I’m so funny. *Disclaimer: I am not a Republican*

So I’m sort of in a bitchy mood and want to just throw some stuff on the screen and call it a night. Hope you don’t mind.

1. I don’t like Big Bang Theory. In fact, I find it to be a one trick pony. I don’t think it’s funny. And it grates on me. And the laugh track…that’s even worse. Or is that a live audience? God help me. I’m a geek/dork/loser and even I hate that show.  I don’t get it. I won’t lie. Then again, I watch Walking Dead and True Blood so what do I know.

2. There was this story on Yahoo’s OMG page that Mila Kunis is “slightly larger” recently. Wait, isn’t “slightly larger” an oxymoron? Oh wait, the morons on OMG don’t know what an oxymoron is. “Isn’t that the drug everyone is like taking?”  Ok, so they show a picture of Mila (who is gorgeous by the way) and she looks…normal. Not the sickly thin girl she was in Black Swan. Even she said that losing 20 pounds for that role wreaked havoc on her body. So now the chick has curves and OMG is contacting her people to comment about her extra pounds. Can you fucking believe this? She’s probably a size 4 or 6 and they are asking her reps for a comment about her “slightly larger” figure. Jesus H Christ.  Made me so mad!! She looks normal. Leave her alone. I mean, ask her reps if she is boning Ashton…at least that’s interesting. Or if she hooked up with Seth MacFarlane (BITCH! She better not have!!).

3. What. The. Fuck. Is. This. ?.

Too many comments. So little space.

Do kids today NEED a talking medicine dispenser?? Also… SharkTank? Really? I watched that show once and while more entertained than watching an episode of Big Bang Theory, was still bored nonetheless. And “1,2,3. Open Wide. Good job!” Seriously??? “Open wide for my (let’s face it) short trunk and let me squirt this nasty tasting stuff down your throat…. Good job! You took it like a champ!” And why Ava? Is that the appropriate name for a medicine-dispensing sexually-harrassing elephant head? NEVERMIND the freakin’ kids that need a “fun” medicine dispenser in the first place. Look, just swallow your cough medicine and shut up. Nobody cares. Waaaaah. At least we have medicine and you aren’t back in the stone ages chewing on some pelt or bone your dad brought home, all covered in dirt and blood. Speaking of dirt and blood, what did women do back then during their menstruation? Oh God. I don’t even want to know.

4. I got two more tattoos bringing the total up to six. (Let me slip that story in behind Comic-Con and MoA). They are on my feet. They are currently in the itchy scratchy stage. And all day I’ve been fighting the urge to scratch them. I did a whole slew of things after work tonight and couldn’t wait to get home to wash my feet and put my Burt’s Bees lotion on there. I made the mistake, at the very last second, to lightly run my nails over the tattoos…and I honestly thought I was going to orgasm (side note: I didn’t)! It felt great. And I started to think, is there anything that feels better than scratching something that is itchy? Nope. Which then brought me to:

5. Torture. What the fuck is this bullshit about using Sesame Street songs to torture inmates at Gitmo? Most Sesame Street songs make up the soundtrack of my whole entire childhood! (I actually had a great YouTube video of Big Bird singing the alphabet but WordPress fucked up everything – MORE TO BITCH ABOUT – and after “saving” my draft, half the shit I wrote is gone. W.T.F. NOT HAPPY. I haven’t even had dinner yet. Waaaaaah!) Just give the fuckers poison ivy and tie up their arms/feet and let them fester away. Now THAT is torture.

6. I got this Groupon email the other day. I don’t think of Groupon as witty or particularly funny, so that’s why I was perplexed by the subject line.

Meat. Toast meat.

Father’s Day deals for the man who gave birth to you??  Besides being a SLAP in the face to the woman who pushed you out of her vagina for 18 hours while your father essentially did NOTHING (“Remember to breathe, dear.”), this really could only apply to a very small section of the population:

Enjoy your filet, Momdad!

Ok, now that I’m pissed about half my post disappearing after I labored over it all night sans dinner, I’m going to say adios!

Goodbye May. Hello June!

xojmo

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