To Seth MacFarlane, With Love

{Okay, listen up everyone. Gather ’round. If you’ve read something else on my blog, even just once, and something made you laugh: I need your help.  You know how things just mysteriously become super popular on the internet, that even your local hokey news station is reporting on it? Or it’s on every website you read throughout the day: TMZ, CNN, HuffPo, Perez, EW etc? And then everyone just knows about it.  Even your parents?! Like the chick who didn’t know how long it would take her to drive 60 miles going 60 MPH. You remember that one right?  Rebecca Black??  Flashmobs? Flashmobs that contain marriage proposals? Children who are high from the dentist who want to be mayor and sing “I’m Sexy and I Know It!” while their parents record it on their iPhones? Ok that last one I sort of made up by mashing many things together. But you KNOW what I’m talking about. Even regular but clearly ballsy folk who invite supercelebs to their proms or military balls. (heh) And they become celebrities themselves. OR more what I’m getting towards: Actually writing something cool enough and get enough attention on the interwebz to actually meet said celebrity? Can you guys help me? Alright, how about just one of you? Anyone?  Don’t tell me yes or no. Rather just…I dunno. Go….Post it somewhere. Tweet it. Just help me. Because I’m going to write a letter to Seth MacFarlane in one minute, and with a little luck, maybe the coolest fucking thing ever in my whole entire ridiculous life could possibly actually happen (which I will get to in the letter). To me. JMo. Not Rebecca Black. No Flashmob groom.  Not “Leave Britney alone!” guy (girl?).  TO ME. Look…I’m 99.999999999% sure that it’s never going to happen. BUT it’s that teeny tiny percentage that’s left, that super annoying hopeful part of me that says, “Hey, you never know until you ask!” I’m not witty enough for YouTube. I’m a much better writer. So I’m giving it a shot. And maybe you guys can help me? Ok. Deep breath! Wish me luck. Here I go….} {Sorry, one more thing, you know how I like to break into song for no reason (if you read more you would know this. Jeez.  So after I wrote, “Here I go.” Two things popped into my head: Peter Pan.  And *Nsync’s “Here we go, one more time, everybody’s feeling fine….here we go now…” I do admit that talking about Peter Pan and *Nsync lyrics certainly will not WIN me any points with Mr. MacFarlane, and could possibly hinder my cool factor –  I cannot ignore my urges.}

June 13, 2012

Mr. Seth MacFarlane
34 Spooner Street
Quahog, RI 06757

Dear Mr. MacFarlane,

I’m not sure this address is valid, but I have a feeling this letter will find you anyway. I am lucky enough to be amongst the chosen few who will be viewing “Ted” at the Fenway movie theater tomorrow night. I’ve been looking forward to “Ted” for many reasons: Marky Mark Wahlberg (fellow Dot native), a raunchy stuffed teddy bear by the name of “Ted”, and of course you wrote/directed and sort of star in this movie as well. Oh and Joel McHale. It’s really all about you. But before I get to that….I have a confession: For the longest time I had no idea why his name was “Ted.”  And I’m not stupid. Honestly. Hopefully someone will vouch for me in the comments. It’s just that sometimes, fairly obvious things….fly by me. And the way I finally figured it out: Why, talking to my own stuffed teddy bear!

Teddy T. Bear

The story is, Teddy was in my crib when I got home from the hospital. When I was born. Not after some all night bender. I don’t have those! Yet (slow wink)!  When I look at him, he looks brand new. But I can see what you see in that picture: a gorgeously pink bear whose nose needs desperate work. Chipped marble eyeballs. A sad frowny face. And fur that looks like it has seen better days.

But he’s been my friend. For 30-something years now, he’s been there – through family, friends and an ex-husband who, I swear to God, looks like Chaz Bono now. Long story! Teddy’s always got a spot on my king bed (slower wink), made or not.   And the other night, his head was buried under my pillow and as I yanked him out so I could get comfortable, I sighed, “Oh Ted…” Which I almost never call him.  And the figurative lightbulb went off. ” Ohhhhhhhh, TED!” One eye roll and a shaken head later, I felt so dumb. But in a weird way, it made me want to see “Ted” even more. What would’ve happened if Teddy came alive all those years ago?

Ok, enough of that!! Your new movie is coming out and you need publicity right? I know you hate going on talk shows and panels and you keep whiskey in your coffee cup to sip. (*sigh* You are so badass and cute at the same time!) So, fuck it. This isn’t about whoring yourself out to make the studio happy (I literally have no idea if you are even doing any of that.). This is about doing something that people like yourself just don’t do. And perhaps it’s for security reasons you don’t go around doing stuff like this, but maybe it’s because no one has had the balls to ask. Until now.

Before I continue, I must list the reasons why I’m so smitten with you,

  1. You employ your family
  2. Your eyes get squinty when you smile.
  3. You have pointy eye teeth (seriously, these are legit reasons)
  4. Handsomely cute.  Your smile is infectious. (again with the pointy teeth!)
  5. Dimples
  6. Extremely smart, witty, quick, funny, talented
  7. Was part of a TV show that said that the movie The Godfather “insists upon itself.”  Thank you.

Look, I know you have this kick-ass life. Aston Martin, endless bags of money that would make Scrooge McDuck faint, models, booze, drugs, excitement, parties, Chateau Marmont…I mean, THE LIFE.  But if ever, in your most awesomest life, you ever think for one fleeting second “Hmm…I’m bored. What’s something different I can do today?”  And before you answer, “Fly to the moon with Richard Branson.” Can you maybe consider….oh I don’t know…making my day. Making my whole entire life!! Literally.

I’m about to describe something that would make me geek out so bad, I don’t think I could ever complain again. About anything.  I’m a fan. I think that is obvious by now. At least I hope so. I also hope that no restraining order has been taken out on me. I don’t want to end up on TMZ  next to the Lindsay and Paris stalkers.  As a fan, if I had the opportunity to hang out with you, either alone, or even better – in a group settings of your friends (I mean, if I’m going this far, let’s throw in Bill Maher. No forget it, I’m asking for too much now. Don’t get greedy, JMo!!)  Ok, a group of your funnest friends. Or again, you. Whatevs. I’m down for either. And let’s be honest…getting stoned.  You will agree to do the voices of Roger the alien and Stan Smith for me. If I could have a night like that, or an afternoon, I’m not picky. Just not breakfast, I’m not a morning person. If I could have an opportunity like that….again, I would completely geek out for life and have the hugest smile on my face forever. And pat myself on the back, for writing an old-fashioned letter on the internet ASKING you, Seth MacFarlane, to do something out of the ordinary, which might seem mundane and even sort of lame to you…but would be….AMAZING to me. Like, flying to the moon with Richard Branson amazing. And an opportunity I would never EVER have. I’m always told, “make your own luck.” And I’m constantly looking for ways to make my own damn luck. But jeez, for once, wouldn’t it be nice, for this one time…something unbelievable and out of the blue happens. And you could make it happen. Not by building me a new house, or giving me money, or pimping my ride. I’m not even asking you to get dressed up in a sexy white tuxedo and go to a formal dance with me. I’m asking for what,  a few hours? And, oh I dunno, maybe the adventure of my life? Wouldn’t it be sort of cool to be part of something like that? I like to think so.

One last thing:




3 thoughts on “To Seth MacFarlane, With Love

  1. My nephew saw the picture of Teddy and said “Aww. Cute!” And went to get his teddy bear saying, “My teddy bear wanted to look at Auntie’s teddy bear.” Can I just freeze time right now? Please don’t grow up!! So cute!!! Love that kid.


  2. if it makes you feel any better, although i have not seen “ted” why he’s called “ted” didn’t come to me immediately. and as you know, i’m a fucking genius.

    good luck.

    also “old fashioned letter on the internet” made me laugh out loud.


  3. I’m glad you found that funny!! That’s what I was going for!

    Also glad I wasn’t the only one who didn’t get the “ted” thing right away. Not proud of it. But I saw it last night, and loved it!!


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