Ok, so I got new neighbors (I guess. Who pays attention? Not me!) across the hall. Ok, I’m guessing they are new because one day a watermelon door mat showed up across my way. And those are a no-no where I live. Listen sweetie, if I can’t have hanging plants on my balcony or a Mickey Mouse door mat, you sure as HELL ain’t gonna bust out with some redneck watermelon slice straw pile of shit. I’m gonna tattle on her next week.
Anyway, I’m chilling on my couch counting down the moments until I was going to administer my Two Week Olympic IV drip…I hear some commotion. Like someone “Politely” banging down someone’s door. So…I paused the Olympics (Hold on Bob Costas and Tom Brokaw…hold that thought) and peered through my peep-hole.
Some dude, in a royal blue polo shirt with Dr. Will Kirby slicked back black hair. Carrying two curious items: a large padded envelope and a plastic shopping bag with unknown items inside.
He has his right arm extended, like he’s stretching to the oldies in the door frame. What door? The door he is really fucking trying to enter but it’s locked. And he can’t fucking believe it. So he’s like jockeying between banging on the door (and not calling for anyone) and then trying to open it. And then trying to like….break it down with his shoulder!! I swear to God Almighty. That this guy A) expected that mother fucking door to be open and B) now that said door is locked, there is definitely someone inside that can open the door but C) no one is answering the door. You know what else they ain’t doing? Picking up their phone. Going to voicemail. Each. Time. He. Calls. I can hear it. It’s on speakerphone!!
So after unsuccessfully trying to break the door down… again…
Hold on…wait…I have to remind you that this guy has NO idea I’m watching him. Like I see him stuttering under his breath and wording “FUCK!” And “Mother fucker!” And just vein busting pissed. It was so awesome to see life RAW like that.
So he storms off. With his royal blue polo shirt, one large padded envelope, a grocery bag with approximately three items.
So I’m like… ah man. What’s happening? I gotta get back to the Olympics. So I got back to the Olympics… Booo Matt Lauer! It’s your fault that Ann Curry was fired. Hi Meredith. You look classy and old as usual.
And in the distance, I hear it….
A big heavy lock being UNLOCKED. And no door opened after it.
OH SHIT. THAT DUDE IS COMING BACK!!! And the door is O-PEN!!
Hold that thought, Baldy. I gotta go cozy back up to my peep-hole to see how this unfolds.
He hurriedly walks up to the door and opens it. Says nothing. Doesn’t start a “Hey Nancy, what the hell…” and then let the door shut behind him (the doors are weighted as such they close right behind you when you walk in).
No…he SLAMS the door with all his Mighty Mouse arm strength. And my peep-hole shakes my eyelashes.
Our apartments are fairly sound proof…so I walked away when I didn’t hear any shouting.
As I walked back to my TiVo and my couch, I wondered, Would I hear her if he started to hit her?
AND then I thought… Why do I assume it’s a she? He could be gay, right? And he could be pissed at his boyfriend.
And then I thought. Nah, it’s a she.
How do I know?
The Watermelon door mat. No self-respecting gay guy would ever allow a watermelon door mat. Never mind a door mat in the inside of a building. And we have carpet.