Encino Woman

I really need to get motivated. And have yet to do so. So…why not blog? Someone asked me last night “Why do you blog?” And I was like “Um, I have no idea really. Because I like to write and I sometimes think that others like to read what I write. Sometimes.” And then I changed the subject.

Anyway, while waiting for the storm to start (which means the store will be all out of batteries, and I need them for my vibrator. First world problems, yo) I decided to think ahead to 2013.  Soon I will be turning 30-something again and I want to change my life. I know, I talk about this a lot and then nothing happens. Yeah well…welcome to my world.

So first off: I will be more optimistic. Ok so writing that is like saying “I will become a world champion at snowboarding” but…I’m willing to try. Optimism – Nice to meet you. Let’s spend some time together. Maybe if I’m open to good things, then good things will happen to me. (Personally I think that’s bullshit. BUT I’m allowed to say that because it’s still 2012. The year of the Eeyore.)


Second: I will finish my book (filled with all sorts of smut per Denise’s request). I will. I swear. I want you all to see it. Read it. And if reading about sexy stuff gets you all up tight, then I will tell you which pages it’s on and you can just skip those. It’s not like my characters are going to be moving the plot along while tongue kissing each other’s privates.  (Ok, that was over the line somewhat right? Ah, fuck it.) Let’s hear it for oral sex! (I’m inappropriate. It’s a problem. I’m only inappropriate in type though. Never in person.)

Third: I need to figure out how to date. You know how people with severe allergies can give a card to their waiter at a restaurant and then the waiter knows “Ok, don’t feed this person wheat, dairy or soy and we’re good to go?”  I wish I could have one of those cards to hand out to boys I like. I think it would go something like this:

I’m broken. I have no idea how to do this. Please be patient with me. I’m a little bit crazy, but it’s okay because it comes with the intelligence. Which is important if we ever play trivia and we’re on the same team. I go by past experiences and if this experience deviates a little bit from that, then I’ll probably freak out ‘cuz I don’t know what to do. If you don’t text or call I assume you don’t like me anymore. Which is probably not true, but … I’m like a dog when their owner leaves. “Are they coming back? They left me. Oh they’re back. Joy!” But I feel like I’m constantly in that “Where did they go, are they thinking of me phase.” Which is insecure. I know. But I already admitted that I’m broken. I’m trying. I really am. I have a good heart, believe it or not. Give me a chance. I mean, I don’t know when I’ll ever meet another who admits to Jedi being their favorite Star Wars movie (like me) and also enjoys Disney (like me). And even though you may not like Family Guy. That’s okay because I’ll show you the episode that won me over. I’m not looking for everything. Just something. Hand holding. Smiles. Texts. I’ll try to be normal. Even though I don’t know what that is. Think of me as the caveman in Encino Man. Just give me some time and with a little help I’ll figure it out.  I need training wheels for a bit. I just want a chance to get to know you and vice versa.

Fourth: I want to tell all the ninnies that didn’t like my “I hate your dog” post to GO FUCK OFF. Get a life. Seriously. Little kids were killed in their first grade class…cowering while their teacher tried to save them…and you are complaining because I complained that your dog whines and annoys your neighbors? It’s a fact of life, lady. Or dude. Cuz I still don’t know who you are. But you know who I am. And that kinda makes me a celebrity. Wheeeee!

So I think I’ve procrastinated enough. I need to get ready. I need to hit up Stop and Shop for some storm supplies. Then I’m meeting up with my bestie for dinner and a movie.

What more could I ask for? Well, a lot, but I’ll take what I gots. Optimistic JMo is going to be weird, so I’ll need you all’s help. Also, I know this is weird, but I sort of need some help with the book and it’s regarding fantasies. Anyone want to share any? I need some help. Email me at jmo@xojmo.com

Ok so…Facebook can’t really tell someone how much you’ve been looking at their page right?


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