I wrote two whole paragraphs and then just deleted them. I can tell there is a lot on my mind and my proverbial tongue when that happens. It’s like I want to write about everything, but unlike James Joyce I cannot pull off the stream of consciousness without proper punctuation.
So yeah, I can’t go 2-5 days without talking to someone I care about; I learned that this week. EVEN if we have nothing exciting to say. Connection is important to me. As is simple acknowledgement. Even if it’s a “Hey, I looked out the window and thought of you.” I especially like to speak to a new interest in my life fairly often. And cannot compute when that person does not want to do the same. It doesn’t necessarily equate to “He doesn’t like me,” but inside is surely equates to “He doesn’t really care enough.” And new interests? Isn’t it supposed to be about NEW? New flirty emails or texts? New “Can’t wait to see you again. When are you free? Kiss me in the moonlight!” romantic last-minute type stuff. I don’t think it’s asking too much. I mean, the best love poems/sonnets/songs are not written about two people who never see each other, never talk to each other, feel ambivalent towards one another, don’t look into each others’ eyes, and don’t communicate for a week. I mean, I know I’m getting OLD, but cripes….I still like to be romanced and wanted. Like Cheap Trick sang: “I want you to want me.” (And I’m not saying that is a great love song. Not by any means.)
But then again, maybe the best times aren’t in the beginning? Although in a lot of my relationships the beginning was the best. So maybe if I put in the grunt work now, I’ll get rewarded with a super awesome relationship in the end? I’m not really sure. Doubtful. I feel a bit helpless. I’ve never been told I’m not a priority in someone’s life when they are a priority in mine. So then I think, when should I make someone a priority? How do I turn that switch off in my brain? I would love to switch shit off in my brain. Can someone make that happen ASAP?
And lastly, I don’t want a puppet. I don’t want a carbon copy of me. But I want someone who is invested and wants to surprise me and actively tries to get me to smile and giggle. I want that person to look at me when I’m talking to them, even though there is a TV in the room. I want him to hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. And I want him to… oh well, what does it matter? Maybe I shouldn’t want so much. Is it too much to ask?