Fifty First Tinder Dates

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I'm on fire.

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I’m on fire.

Last July I joined Tinder for one week. Then I joined Bumble for like ten months, and now I’m back to Tinder. I’ve found that most men are on all of the dating sites, however, I’ve found there is a larger selection of NON-white guys on Tinder.

You see, I’ve only dated white guys my whole life! Not on purpose. I swear! Seems just like white guys, black and Latino guys don’t find me attractive either! Sweet! Kidding, but not really. One black guy at my reunion thought we dated, and I was like “I think I would remember that.” But didn’t say why. But yeah, I think I would’ve remembered THAT!

This year, I’ve gone out with a black guy. AND an Asian guy. Both cuties, but… ehhhh. I’m still looking! Let’s say that! (For the record, if I had to pick something besides white, I’m going with Asian. That surprises people. Does it surprise you? Why or Why not?)

But it’s the bad dates (with normal creepy white guys) that keep happening. And I thought, why don’t I write about these (terrible) dates? I mean, I’m looking for content for my blog anyway. And I usually just end up sharing it with friends or Twitter anyway. (Usually Twitter. I have no friends). So why not share it here?

Let me give you some background: I am a cougar NOT a milf.  I don’t have kids. Therefore…well, you get it. (And if you don’t know what a “milf” is, you should watch American Pie.) I tend to date younger men mostly because this is what I’ve realized about all men: They are immature jerks at any age. So, why not date the younger, hotter model with hair? PLUS the ugly duckling me of my late teens and twenties LOVES that my old ass milkshake brings all the jocks to the yard. They have a cougar/milf fantasy – and I’m more than happy to oblige. Whilst I can! I’m not gonna lie! Plus there are a lot of semi-professional athletes out there that need love too!

To be fair, I’ve matched with men my age and older. Some have asked me out on dates. Not all. Some don’t answer me at all. So, yeah. I would love to meet some rich CEO and call it a day, but nah….the only ones who gush over me are like 25. And I DO love being called “Gorgeous” (because I’m NOT). As long as they are at least 21, I’m good. (And shut up to those who disapprove. Dennis Quaid, the actor, is dating someone like 40 years younger than him!)

Oh and a huge BY THE WAY – if you have a son who is in his 20’s – he’s in his room right now, jerking off on Snapchat to whoever will watch. I’m not lying. I wish I were. Seriously. He’s doing that … right now. And I probably watched. Only out of sheer curiosity however. Or he’s bringing his phone in the shower. Which I also don’t understand. I’m so happy I don’t have kids, because I would take Junior JMo by the ear and say “Don’t you dare show your private parts to strangers on the interwebz!!”

OH, AND some of these dudes have hooked up with their friends’ moms!!!! I’ve heard some good stories. I mean, I’m mortified but also very interested in people’s secrets. I always ask, Does your friend know? And the answer has been, NO. So, there’s something else to think about. If you are a young man with a hot friend, he probably banged your mom one afternoon. Seriously. Your mother banged your friend, Joey, like a screen door in a hurricane. (High five to Mom though!!! You go girl!)

(It’s been so long since I’ve blogged, I can’t figure out how to do Spell Check on here anymore. That’s kinda lame. I feel old. Have I mentioned my knees make noise going up stairs? Sigh. No spell check. Sorry folks!)

Stay tuned, I guess. And if I cross your path on Tinderverse, don’t cross me, or else you will find your picture on here with a scathing Yelp like review!

In other news, the Jonas Brothers are back!!


P.S. Do these letters look tiny to you? It looks like a pain in the ass to read. Sorry about that.

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