“I’m happy your husband cheated on you!”

That’s what someone said to me, as an insult, not too long ago.

I responded by declaring, “So am I!” Insinuating that I’m now better off after the man that I loved, trusted and married got his boss pregnant less than a year after we got married.

Yes, I’m happy too! He got married to his pregnant mistress and had another kid after the “oops.” They moved to Florida, where I always wanted to move. Into a big house with a pool, two kids, and a dog.

So happy that while he was off vacationing with her where we honeymooned (during what would have been our first anniversary), I was scraping myself off the bottom of the barrel after trying (and failing) to end my life. Sometimes seeing up to three different therapists a week. Happy.

Happy that while I have lost 157 pounds, he is obsese and bald: yet he’s still married. And no one has declared they loved me since the last time he ever told me. But so, so happy.

In all seriousness, my ex and I shouldn’t have gotten married. I learned a lot of life sessions then, and since then. I honestly do not care about him at all. But does it hurt me that my life never got better after his betrayal (and lack of any explanation or apology) while I put on a smile for all of you? It really fucking does.

I don’t know why men don’t like me. I know I’m tough to love, but so are a lot of other people who have somehow found love. I feel like the universe is punishing me but I have no idea why.

And before you tell me that I will find love when I’m not looking, just please go fuck off into that good night. How many lonely holidays and birthdays must I “celebrate” while I’m not looking? Since 14 isn’t enough, maybe 15? 20?

I am definitely crying writing this. As I hit middle age, I mourn the life I thought I was going to have. Panic when I think about the life I currently have (and don’t want). I don’t have a purpose. I have no love. I have nothing. I wish I died that day. Because right now, looking back on my life and struggles, it just hasn’t been worth it.

Anyway, that’s where I am mentally right now. It’s a bad place. I just want to be someplace else.

I just want to be happy.

jmo