Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nein!!

Somehow I ended up on a blast email about Estate Sales. I’ve only been to a couple in my lifetime. But I like to look at upcoming sales: Always keeping an eye out for Disney stuff for the collection.

So, bingo, you guys. Look!

A vintage Mickey Mouse Toy. Cool!

Scroll down. Scroll down. Scroll down.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Scroll up! Scroll up! Scroll up! Scroll up!

What the actual fuck?

Did I completely miss the part about Nazi paraphernalia in the listing?

After ferociously scrolling up, I see it.

A “nice selection of WWII memorabilia.”

A nice selection?

Huh.

This is is a town where 3 people I know live.

I dunno. I feel like there’s an audience for that stuff. Weird to just kind of toss the pics in there like… No biggie. Ever hear of eBay?!

Just give people a head’s up. That’s all I’m saying.

Needless to say I will not be heading to Naziville for Mickey.

If you are wondering, he is vintage and hella creepy.

Pass!

Auf wiedersehen,
Die xojmo

This is Dangerous

You guys. Having the ability to do blog stuff on my phone is wicked convenient but also dangerous. Like right now. Just in from a great night out, filled with a ton of laughs and all that good stuff blah blah blah. 

Now I’m home. Wide awake. Just washed all that makeup off and now I’m just straight up chilling. Thinking that this is a good idea. To just type whatever I want. 

And I’m vaping. Still recovering from the burning ash debacle from two weeks ago. I have this goofy scar thing which is super notable since I’m tan but my … What’s like not a bad burn number? Second degree? Totally not going to look that up. Anyway, I have a pink pot mark right in the middle of my chest! And then I rub at it. It’s a whole thing. 


Ok anyway. Where was I? This is only doable since I downloaded the Swype app for my iPhone. The app sucks. I miss the Swipe keyboard on my old HTC One. That phone ruled. And that swipe keyboard was smart. This one sucks. So if there are any blatant typos it’s the stupid app. And I’m stoned and rubbing my keyboard like a pervert. 

You know what I don’t like? People. But more specifically, people who aren’t real. Who aren’t themselves. Around me. Because what happens is, I end up liking fake you. And real you sucks. Lying jerk. (This is toward no one in particular)

I think I’m totally real with people. I know when to be polite and all that shit but what you see…er… Experience? Yeah. You experience me is what you get. And sometimes it’s boring. Then fast. Then shit goes sideways. I don’t lie about it. It’s a lot. I’m a lot. 

But I’m okay with it. As much as I dislike me, no one loves me more than me. Trust me! Me me me! Haha. But sometimes when I’m with someone I lose me. What happens? Where do I go? Hidden. Worried. I need to be nurtured. 

This is so boring. Sorry to the seven of you that got this in your email and you actually read it.  

I refuse to lose myself over something so stupid. I know what I want. I deserve what I want. I mean, besides the snow white Escalade, I don’t want for much. Okay, one expensive LEGO set. But it’s Disney. And that’s like God to me. You won’t buy me a LEGO set of GOD?! Jesus Christ. 

This kinda went off the rails but I think that’s fun. I love fun. I don’t have enough fun! I love road trips. And surprises. And balloons, for some reason. But not in any weird way. Fucking balloons (Yes, Swype, add “fucking” to the dictionary. Haven’t we already done this already?!). Who even knows that about me? I think my sister does. But literally no one else. And not because I keep it secret.  Sad! 

I want to say so much more, but it would flow so much easier from my fingers on an actual keyboard. And JMo won’t be moving towards the desk anytime soon. And yes I still use a PC. I have a laptop but it’s so hard to type with my nails. Which would look hella fresh on the steering wheel of my ‘lade.     Sorry 

I’m shut off. Of this. But I’m gonna stay up late and watch TV … what a naughty Friday night. 

Not balloon animals, no. Floating balloons. 

xojmo 

The War on Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I live in a state where it is the law that stores cannot open on Thanksgiving.  So I’m used to not being able to shop.

And by the looks of all the angry folks on Facebook and Twitter, NO ONE likes the idea of Thanksgiving Day shopping.  How dare you? Making families separate on Thanksgiving? For some single parents it’s the only time they will actually be home with their children?!

Wait, what? Really?  Then we all need as a country to have a discussion about that. Because I WANT people to be home with their kids and families, if that is what they want. And a single mom working so much that she doesn’t get to watch her kids grow up….that’s proof that people NEED to be paid a living wage.  Everyone wants to enjoy holidays. But everyone also wants to enjoy Saturdays and Sundays, too.  No one balks at those that work at the mall, grocery store, hotel, Disneyland, museums full of snot-nosed kids on our two days off from work – IN A ROW.  While the regular (and extremely lucky) 9-5’ers stroll amongst the beggars, trying to decide where to spend our booty.  Come now, fetch me this shoe in my size!! Now excuse me while I go home and take a nap while you still have 5 hours left on your shift.

The moment you guys let them open stores on Sundays (ONE day of rest, no more) you left the door ajar for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is nothing more than a glorified Sunday.  There is nothing holy about this holiday. In fact, the more you learn about the pilgrims and the Indians, you sort of wonder why we really “celebrate” this anymore.

Listen, those of us with big, close families (especially Italians) do a big meal/get together every Sunday.

Overheard at Italian households yesterday: “Hey didn’t we just do this?”

“Nah. We had lasagna on Sunday. Today we have Turkey. AND both days have football.”

So big fucking deal.  KMart wants to open on Thanksgiving. LET them.  I’m no less a prick on Thanksgiving as I am on a weekend.  If I expect to shop on a day I’m not working – then guess what? I’m never working on the fourth Thursday of every November. Expect me around 3pm.

The thing that sucks the most though: The peons that have to work because their rich bosses are huge pricks.  Hey, come in at 1am. But at least you didn’t have to work on Thanksgiving.

Yeah but I ate Turkey all day. And yeah, drank a little. And instead of getting a good night’s sleep…I gotta drag my ass in here so some asshole can buy a tablet for $99.

And maybe there are some cashiers that would rather work 6-12 on Thanksgiving. And then go home and get to sleep in on Friday.  I respect that.

But I would very much like people to stop acting like Thanksgiving is some sort of holy holiday. It’s a made up holiday by Butterball and Stove Top. Just like how Hallmark made up Valentine’s Day. Stores are open on Valentine’s Day, right?

Get a grip,

xojmo

Tell Me if I’m Wrong Please

I like a ton of Disney related pages on Facebook.  But God fucking forbid if you say anything that remotely ruffles someone’s feathers.  I got removed from a page (including what I wrote, which I will share in a minute) and I’m like WTF did I do??

Weirdo.

So the page on Facebook is Everything Walt Disney World. Now, like I said, my comments are gone, but the page’s founder, Ms. Christina Feels Wood, wait sorry, Freels Wood.  Not Feels Wood.   That would be FUN.  Feeling wood.  And by “wood” I mean a boner.  Not a tree trunk.  Since she is such a priss, she may not understand that “wood” is jargon for a hard-on.  You know, a penis that’s erect?

Ok so she wrote:

Just saw Monster’s University with my three children. I’m not a huge fan of kids movies. I love the princess movies and Cars, but this one didn’t really interest me. I’m happy to say that it was super cute and funny. I loved the entire thing. If you’re on the fence, it’s definitely a cute movie to see over the upcoming holiday weekend.

Now, there is no proof of what I wrote because it was removed.  But I will tell you. And you can either believe me or not. But I think I had a good point.

 

JMo: You’re not a huge fan of kids movies but you have a Facebook page called Everything Walt Disney World?

 

Christina Freels Wood: Jennifer Morrissey, I think you can like Disney without being a huge fan of movies. Peter Pan is charming, but it’s not a movie I would seek out on my own.

JMo:  They don’t make movies like Peter Pan anymore!  I just don’t understand how you like Disney and the parks and not like the movies since a majority of the attractions are based on their own movies, especially movies made for children.
And that’s when I got kicked off.
That lady got her moist, woodless panties in a twist, that Feels No Wood, she did!
In all seriousness though…am I wrong?  “I think you can like Disney without being a huge fan of the movies?????”
Let’s make a list of some of the attractions based on movies,  shall we?
1. Alice in Wonderland,  based on Alice in Wonderland – Disneyland
2. Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters, based on the movie Toy Story 2 – found in multiple Disney parks
3. Casey Jr.’s Circus Train, based on the movie Dumbo – Disneyland
4. Circle of Life: And Environmental Fable,  based on the movie The Lion King – Epcot
5. Dumbo the Flying Elephant, based on the movie Dumbo – multiple parks
6. Dinosaur, formerly Countdown to Extinction, based on the movie Dinosaur – Animal Kingdom
7. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage, based on the movie Finding Nemo – Disneyland
8. It’s Tough to be a Bug, based on the movie A Bug’s Life – Animal Kingdom
9.  Mad Tea Party, based on the movie Alice in Wonderland – multiple parks
10. Magic Carpet Ride, based on the movie Aladdin – Magic Kingdom
I literally could go on and on…Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor, Peter Pan’s Flight, Pinocchio’s Daring Journey, Splash Mountain, Ariel’s Undersea Adventure, Toy Story Midway Mania.  Oh yeah and a whole LAND based on Cars, the only non-Princess movie that satisfied you.
Maybe I’m wrong…but what part(s) of Disney/Everything Walt Disney World are you a fan of if not the movies?  Is it ABC? ABC Family? ESPN? Walt’s frozen body?
So, thanks for deleting me. You clearly did a bad job if you deleted me but then kept in your cryptic message about ME.  I would like to mention that people LIKED my comment because it’s made a whole lot of sense!!
And CARS? YOU LIKED THE MOVIE  “CARS”?  Who liked that movie besides 5-year-old boys? Monsters University was 5,000,000 times better than CARS.
So, I visited her blog (you can go find it if you want, I don’t want to give the satisfaction of giving a link here) and most of the stories are about food. Ah, okay, so Everything you love about Walt Disney World is the food. Got it.  Hey guess what? Disney made a movie about that too; it was called Ratatouille!! You probably hated that too because there wasn’t a tow truck sitting on a toilet in that one.
How many other Facebook pages can I get kicked off of because I innocently ask a question and then follow up with a sound argument?
xojmo

Only Me

“Happy Valentine’s Day”

That’s what the text said. A blast from my past. A welcomed one, to be terribly honest.

And I foolishly answered and found out he was leaving to go to Walt Disney World.

On Valentine’s Day.

I never asked with whom or why. I wished him a great trip.

We’ve been in touch since. It’s been nice.

But you know…Facebook.  Those profiles beckon.

And you look. Rather, I looked. No beating around the bush. I looked even though I promised myself I wouldn’t.

My only question is: Why?

Why text me and wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day? Right before you head off to MY happiest place on Earth with some other girl.

And not me.

Happy Valentine’s Day indeed.

Happy to see it was well documented. Looks like it was a magical time. Bunch of restaurants I’ve never been to.

So let’s see….My ex-husband took his pregnant mistress to Walt Disney World on what would have been our ONE year anniversary. And I know this because he had the travel agent send the travel itinerary to me.

And the boy I liked and then fucked it up a little…yeah I did. But I thought he was coming around and maybe forgetting that I’m a crazy wench. And thinking of me…on Valentine’s day.

And perhaps he was. Maybe he just couldn’t bring himself to rub it in my face. I guess, for that…I should be grateful.

Only me.

Eat your heart out, Taylor Swift. You ain’t got nothing on me in the boy department.

xojmo

 

 

Awesomistic

Happy New Year!!  Suck it Mayans! We’re all still here. And we still have the right to buy assault weapons at gun shows without an ID or a permit. Yee ha! God bless America.

Where was I? Oh right. The new year. Well as you know, it’s time for me to get jiggy with optimism. And I started today. It wasn’t so bad. Felt weird. Then I asked the niece and nephew if they knew what “Optimism” meant. So I explained it to them. And my nephew said, “I’m omnamistic that I have a crack in my butt.” Yes you do! But that’s not optimism!! So I explained it once again. And then he mangled the words a few more times, and then I swear he said “awesomistic.”

And so….of course I love that. I’m not just going to be optimistic in 2013. I’m going to be AWESOMISTIC!

I mean, why not? Being pessimistic didn’t really get me anywhere. I mean, I’m a realist, so duh! But otherwise….time to look upwards and onwards. I’m really excited in finishing my book by the first half of the year. Oh yeah, I set a deadline.

I’M OPTIMISTIC! Remember?

So yeah….woohhoooo! This is going to be the best year yet. And even if it’s not, I have like 7 months to plan my next trip to Anaheim for the 3rd D23 Expo! Now that’s awesomism.

Remember I still need some fantasy ideas….so email me at jmo@xojmo.com

Oh P.S. – Kim K is preggo with Kanye’s baby? Can you even IMAGINE Kim Kardashian as a pregnant woman?? NO WAY! This should be funny. Also, for whatever reason I find it HILARIOUS that Kris Humphries won’t give her a divorce. And you know he must know some dirt on her, otherwise why wouldn’t she just let her lawyers BURY him? This should be good.

Ok that’s all for now… here’s looking at you, 2013.

xojmo

Encino Woman

I really need to get motivated. And have yet to do so. So…why not blog? Someone asked me last night “Why do you blog?” And I was like “Um, I have no idea really. Because I like to write and I sometimes think that others like to read what I write. Sometimes.” And then I changed the subject.

Anyway, while waiting for the storm to start (which means the store will be all out of batteries, and I need them for my vibrator. First world problems, yo) I decided to think ahead to 2013.  Soon I will be turning 30-something again and I want to change my life. I know, I talk about this a lot and then nothing happens. Yeah well…welcome to my world.

So first off: I will be more optimistic. Ok so writing that is like saying “I will become a world champion at snowboarding” but…I’m willing to try. Optimism – Nice to meet you. Let’s spend some time together. Maybe if I’m open to good things, then good things will happen to me. (Personally I think that’s bullshit. BUT I’m allowed to say that because it’s still 2012. The year of the Eeyore.)

Optimism-vs-Pessimism

Second: I will finish my book (filled with all sorts of smut per Denise’s request). I will. I swear. I want you all to see it. Read it. And if reading about sexy stuff gets you all up tight, then I will tell you which pages it’s on and you can just skip those. It’s not like my characters are going to be moving the plot along while tongue kissing each other’s privates.  (Ok, that was over the line somewhat right? Ah, fuck it.) Let’s hear it for oral sex! (I’m inappropriate. It’s a problem. I’m only inappropriate in type though. Never in person.)

Third: I need to figure out how to date. You know how people with severe allergies can give a card to their waiter at a restaurant and then the waiter knows “Ok, don’t feed this person wheat, dairy or soy and we’re good to go?”  I wish I could have one of those cards to hand out to boys I like. I think it would go something like this:

I’m broken. I have no idea how to do this. Please be patient with me. I’m a little bit crazy, but it’s okay because it comes with the intelligence. Which is important if we ever play trivia and we’re on the same team. I go by past experiences and if this experience deviates a little bit from that, then I’ll probably freak out ‘cuz I don’t know what to do. If you don’t text or call I assume you don’t like me anymore. Which is probably not true, but … I’m like a dog when their owner leaves. “Are they coming back? They left me. Oh they’re back. Joy!” But I feel like I’m constantly in that “Where did they go, are they thinking of me phase.” Which is insecure. I know. But I already admitted that I’m broken. I’m trying. I really am. I have a good heart, believe it or not. Give me a chance. I mean, I don’t know when I’ll ever meet another who admits to Jedi being their favorite Star Wars movie (like me) and also enjoys Disney (like me). And even though you may not like Family Guy. That’s okay because I’ll show you the episode that won me over. I’m not looking for everything. Just something. Hand holding. Smiles. Texts. I’ll try to be normal. Even though I don’t know what that is. Think of me as the caveman in Encino Man. Just give me some time and with a little help I’ll figure it out.  I need training wheels for a bit. I just want a chance to get to know you and vice versa.

Fourth: I want to tell all the ninnies that didn’t like my “I hate your dog” post to GO FUCK OFF. Get a life. Seriously. Little kids were killed in their first grade class…cowering while their teacher tried to save them…and you are complaining because I complained that your dog whines and annoys your neighbors? It’s a fact of life, lady. Or dude. Cuz I still don’t know who you are. But you know who I am. And that kinda makes me a celebrity. Wheeeee!

So I think I’ve procrastinated enough. I need to get ready. I need to hit up Stop and Shop for some storm supplies. Then I’m meeting up with my bestie for dinner and a movie.

What more could I ask for? Well, a lot, but I’ll take what I gots. Optimistic JMo is going to be weird, so I’ll need you all’s help. Also, I know this is weird, but I sort of need some help with the book and it’s regarding fantasies. Anyone want to share any? I need some help. Email me at jmo@xojmo.com

Ok so…Facebook can’t really tell someone how much you’ve been looking at their page right?

xojmo

The R-Word

Seriously, the last thing I want to do is offend someone.  And I know I might, just by what I’m about to write. But I’m trying to explain myself, sort of. Even though I have the right to free speech, I honest to God don’t want you to think that I’m purposely going against your wishes to offend you. But I really do feel like I need to explain myself on why I use the words “retard” and “retarded” even though A LOT of people find it offensive.

Ok, I honestly get why you don’t like it. Kinda. I guess. Wait, hear me out.

I did not grow up in the decades of medical professionals going around using the term “mental retardation.” And honestly, I grew up in a home where my parents weren’t ignorant. They never looked at someone with any sort of condition or handicap and said, “Look at that retard.” THAT NEVER HAPPENED. Not to me, at least. So again, I’m not associating that word with anything. I never really heard it. Probably in movies? Anyway…also, I grew up in Boston. BOSTON, you hear? Not some lame-ass suburb of Boston. We use the word “wicked” in ways most people don’t. And you know what word goes with “wicked”, like peanut butter and jelly?  Yeah, you guessed it:

Wicked retarded!

So I’ve thought so hard of examples, on how I would use the word “retarded” and how it should totally not offend anyone. The same way that “moron” or “idiot” don’t offend people. I mean, I guess they could.. But not really. They are commonplace words now. Interchangeable with “dummy” or “Kardashian.”

Example #1 of how someone can be retarded and/or a retard:

  • Place: Crowded airport on September 11, 2011
  • Friend: “I can’t believe I got all those bombs past security, in my underwear and shoes.”
  • Me: “Dude. What are you, fucking retarded?
  • Friend: “What? What did I say?”
  • Me: “Seriously? Why are you being a retard right now? It’s fucking 9-11 dude. Like the ten-year anniversary and you are joking about bombs in your underwear? Outloud, where people can hear you? That’s wicked retarded, dude. Jesus! Not cool!”

Example #2 of how someone can be retarded and/or a retard:

  • Friend: “Hey, is August the best time to go to Walt Disney World?”
  • Me: “Yeah….if you’re a retard it is”
  • Friend: “What do you mean?”
  • Me: “I mean, if you like waiting in line for Space Mountain for two hours. Yes, TWO hours. Even at 1am. And, oh yeah, love super hot, super humid weather. Including ridiculous spontaneous downpours. Oh and large crowds. From everywhere. Huge amounts of people. And humidity. And bugs. And people. And lines. Ugh. That’s so retarded. No thanks.”

See? It’s just a word, suggesting that someone is “whack” or “illin'”. I swear!

I would never nor would it occur to me to talk about your child, ever in a disrespectful way.

Unless he’s wearing a Yankees cap, then I gotta say “Dude, that’s wicked retarded. Take that off.”

Unrelated: So if tomorrow is America’s birthday…who are the parents? Who birthed us? I guess you could say England and France? I guess. I’m talking after Columbus. So who is the mum and who is the dad? England must be mum right? I bet she has nice hats.

The things I think about,

xojmo

 

Make a New Plan, Stan (Lee)!

I’m constantly wondering how I can meet guys.  I haven’t been on a date in a dog’s age (whatever that length of time is….) and I’m just annoyed by the whole thing. Look, I know I’m no Beauty Contest winner (collect $10) but I’m okay…and I’m funny…and smart…and have a great personality.  Oh shit, I’m fuckered.

Last week, after watching The Walking Dead, I started watching Comic Book Men for the first time. I loved it!! I loved it so much I decided to catch up on the show On Demand. And honestly, I’m totally attracted to these guys. I LOVE when men get excited and giddy about comic books and toys. I can’t explain it. Walter is my favorite.  But before I was able to jump in my car and head on down to NJ, I found out he was married. WTF!! Wicked pissed about that.

Hmm. So I started thinking…. YES about how to meet guys. I needed a plan on how to meet guys. Specifically guys who like comics and toys… And it came to me:  COMIC CON!!

Listen, I know NOTHING about Comic Con. I thought there was only ONE Comic Con is California every year. But guess what? There are Comic Cons all over the place. And one short Google Search for “Comic Con Boston 2012” got me the answer to my question. Yes, there is a Boston Comic Con this year, and I haven’t missed it AND it’ s not that far away! Woohoo!

So you might be saying “JMo, what about the Disney D23 Expo you’ve gone to twice already and you haven’t met anyone there, right?” (Look, just pretend you asked that okay?) My answer would have to be “Yeah but all the cute guys there were gay!” And it was true.  Forget about Tink… think Twink!! (My sister won’t get that. K – DON’T LOOK THAT UP OKAY? TRUST ME. I’ll explain it to you another time.)

So D23 was a bust. But at Comic Con there has to be single guys looking for girls right? Maybe? I’m going to try it out. I’ve been telling folks about my plan and have been asked twice “Are you going to dress up in costume?”

Dude, WTF. Seriously. No!! The only costume that a woman should wear to a geek fest like that is Slave Princess Lea and um, yeah…JMo can’t pull that off. At all. So then what is left? Should I go as a Wookie? Or Jem? Ooooh, Jem. She is truly outrageous…

Anyway…no costume. Just me. Trolling Boston Comic Con for dudes. Can you even imagine?  This should be more fodder for this blog if nothing else.

Hey, wish me luck. And if you plan on being at Boston’s Comic Con and you are a single straight dude who is taller than 5’9″…let me know!

Oh a few criteria: I prefer Star Wars over Star Trek. Like immensely.  I truly know nothing about ST but did see the Star Trek movie that JJ did and that’s only because Zachary Quinto is HOT HOT HOT!! Spock me!!

I think that is my only criteria. Must Love Star Wars.

Who wants to bet I (Empire) strike (s Back) out at Boston Comic Con? HAHA!!

xojmo

Update: I was just told by a comic book geek that comic book geeks think they can get with porn star looking chicks and booth babes. Is this true? What the hell? I’m so screwed. Listen, you sweaty 34 year old who still lives at home playing D&D in the basement…You’re not gonna get those chicks. You just aren’t. So you better just take me out to Chili’s and like it, okay?