FFTD – wyd rn

A big part of a dating app is communication. And I have no idea how to communicate with anyone anymore.

In this day and age, we have the EASIEST ways EVER to let someone down OR ask/tell them something you don’t have the confidence to say face to face, or even over the phone.

No one calls anybody anymore. Which…fine. I have a computer in my pocket where you can send me quick bursts of messages. No email. No phone call. No fax. No carrier pigeon. Literally, a tiny keyboard on my phone, let’s me communicate with someone else with words, or emojis, or pictures or videos. It’s amazing.

And completely impersonal.

You know for an app that is widely known as a Hook Up App, Tinder is a an otherwise terrible place to find people who know how to communicate with each other.

As an English major (and the product of my 11th grade Honors English teacher, Ms. Prince), I came to appreciate the English language. There are so many different words! Some are even dying out! Let’s bring them back!!

But how? God forbid I type in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation in a text!! It makes me come across as overbearing and way too serious.

So, if I wanted to explore the dating jungle, I had to learn the mating calls, as well as a whole new language.

I will now share with you, my readers.

Can’t just say “hi” or “hey.” Must add extra letters for no explicable reason. Such as, but not limited to: Hiiii, Heyyyy and

img_4721

As well as

img_4725

The reason I absolutely don’t get the extra letters AT ALL is because of all the fucking abbreviations I have to figure out on my own!  Sometimes I have to ask!! And remember what I said earlier – Can’t be using correct grammar and spelling and all that shit. Gotta play it kewl (cool: which is the same amount of letters, yet…spelling. *sobs*)

I thought I knew all the hip lingo of the young people: lit, LOL, yolo, a/s/l, groovy, NSFW, etc. But right away I was in for a whole new experience. Gotta learn on your feet. My high school German teacher moved to Germany and learned German by getting a job in the local supermarket. If Frau DeLosh could submerge herself in that culture and thrive, surely I can throw myself into this hip, new language and live to tell about it. Language, after all, is important because it’s how we communicate with one another.

img_4722

Oh boy. (#OhBoy on Twitter)

I remember the first word I learned in German. Der Apfel. You see, each noun has its own gender: female, male or neutral. Apples are male. This isn’t relevant, but holy hell, hbu wyd?? At least Apfel kind of looks like Apple. Sounds similar. Easy first lesson. Tinder wasn’t being kind on this newbie.

Can we first start with the fact that those letters each symbolize a word? Ok. But then again, hbu… “how About you” gets even more dumbed down to “how bout u.” “How boot u, eh” if you are Canadian.

Can you see how language is dying right before our eyes?

Ok, let’s move on to next abbreviation: wyd. What are you doing? what you doing.

Regardless of what it means, when my brain SEES ‘wyd’ it only wants to HEAR this, which is the commercial that came out after this one (both classics), and also this (Phineas and Ferb fans know the struggle).

Let’s not forget about ‘wbu’ and the puzzling ‘wru.’

What about you? what bout u.

For the life of me, and without any context clues at all, I got a ‘wru’ message. And I assumed the W was what… What you doing? What about you? what rigatoni u.

WHERE ARE YOU? I had no idea that wru took the place of “Where do you live?”

The tiny but powerful ‘af’ and helpful ‘rn’. As in, “Im hornyyy af rn”

(Have I mentioned that apostrophes and contractions should be kissed goodbye? I truly believe that if I polled 1,000 people between the ages of 20-35, none of them would know the different between “Its” and “It’s” and when it’s appropriate to use one over the other.)

“I am horny as fuck right now!” The swan song of Tinder! I’m not sure how I would explain “as fuck” to aliens just learning English.  “It’s like, ‘a lot.”

Alien: Why not just say ‘a lot?’

Me:

wonka

I gave up asking questions about all of this. Okayyyyyy?

 

BTW (by the way) yes, I know you are horny. You are a man with a penis. It’s a pretty famous theme, like, you guys have made pills for yourselves so that when you are old and your penis is LIMP, you can still get it up. Like, we get it. You are horny right now and all the time, Gollum.

Would you like to see a picture of this language being used in it’s natural habitat?

img_4723

A future FFTD!

“So you ain’t trynna…” or “You trynna”

Um, I’m not trying to do anything. If you ask me “You trynna to smoke” my answer is no, I’m not trying to. I’m actually doing do. Do or do not, dude. There is no try. Some smart guy named Hamlet said that a longgg time ago in a country far, far away.

“you trynna get laid”

I’m sorry, Are you talking to me? I am certainly NOT trying to get laid ….

by you.

I mean, why do all guys think I want to fuck them? They are not even tens. Listen, I’m not a ten, but when tens want to get with me, I take notice!! So maybe, sure, sleep with a Chris Evans type…or rather, trynnnna to get with Cap. Sure. But don’t assume I’m trynna to do anything…with you!

Except get high on your weed, drinks and nachos tbh (to by honest).

You feel me?

xojmo

 

 

 

Fifty First Tinder Dates: I – Austin

I’m totally cheating on my very first FFTD post because I want to write about a “second date.” Only because it’s a perfect example of the shit that goes on. Also, I use the term “date” very loosely. It’s hard to find a guy who actually wants to take you out on a date OR just buy you a coffee. I’m still holding out for a gentleman, but until then, I will sift through the smoldering debris that is Online Dating.

I had first met Austin, 25, at his place so we could hang and get stoned. Listen, I’m not gonna lie, if these guys want to smoke me up (for free), I would be hard pressed to say no. So you’ll see a common thread here. 🙂

Austin was attractive. Luscious lips. I’m BIG on lips. And I won’t lie: I kissed those lips! We got along even though he said “You feel me?” way too much but who cares? Yeah, Austin, I feel you. Now pass the blunt.

Austin did not live alone. In fact, his roommate was a much older man. But who am I to judge? I never saw this roommate, but I knew he was around. I just hung out in Austin’s room, watching TV and what not.

So, technically, that First Tinder Date was good! I mean, I got no dinner or drinks. But I got to hang with an attractive man and feel good. Success!

At some point in the near future we made plans to hang out again because we both enjoyed each other’s company the first time! I agreed to make the 40 minute drive back to his place (I’m messy and I hate cleaning up for guests) at the time we both decided on.

I’m always punctual. I parked on the street outside his place. I texted: Hey I’m here. Nothing. I didn’t feel comfortable going up to the front door because of said old roommate, so I just hung out in the car waiting for Austin to get back to me.

I texted more. Called, even. A few times. Nothing. But from where I was parked, I could see his room’s window, shade all the way up, and I could see the television was on. That certainly does not mean he is home, or awake for that matter. I was really confused, and figured he passed out or something.

But after 15 minutes and hearing absolutely nothing from Austin, I finally saw the tv channel change in his room, as well as a shadow. So he IS in there!

What the actual fuck?

So, I did the MOST JMo thing ever: I got out of my car, and went right up to the window. It’s on the side of his house, and I can’t see right in, since the window is a bit above my head.

I threw my car keys up against the screen of the window. His window was closed because the air conditioner (in the other window) is on.

Moments later, I see Austin pop up, probably from his bed. He sees me. I see him. And I do the whole come hither thing with my finger, but not in a sexy way. More like, “Yeah um, get your ass over here since we made plans and I’m here and you’ve been ignoring me.”

In what seems like NOT real life, a smirk shows up on Austin’s face, walks over to the window I’m standing under, like a lame Romeo, – and instead of opening it up and saying “Oh man, how long have you been here?” HE PULLS THE SHADE DOWN!

RIGHT IN MY FACE.

Then walks over to the window with the air conditioner in it, and then pulls the shade down as far as he can there as well.

At my feet, a stray gray cat wondering what I’m doing there. As was I.

I walked back to my car. Tried to reach him again and got nothing.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I mean, I drove all the way there. We’ve already hung out. And he saw me. Saw my face!!

I won’t lie. I cried a lot of my 40 minute drive of shame home. All I could think was, How hard would it have been to text me:

“Hey, don’t come. I hate you now.”

“I’m not home. Sorry, can we reschedule?”

Anything! Even if it was a lie. But I got nothing. It was disrespectful. Embarrassing. Sad. A whole bunch of negative adjectives.

At some point, days later, he tells me that his sister came by with his nephew (I saw neither of these people) and couldn’t hang out. But my thing is: WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL ME? WHY DID YOU LET ME DRIVE ALL THE WAY THERE AND PARK AND WAIT AROUND FOR YOU JUST TO SMIRK IN MY FACE AND PULL THE SHADE DOWN?

Then he offered me $30 (supposedly for the gas I used to get to his place) but it truly just felt like a hooker thing – tossing me a ridiculously small amount of money to shut me up and then try to get me to come by again.

I miss the lips. And the free high. But the shade in my face was such a blatant diss, I cannot bring myself to ever see, or simply trust, Austin again.

Back to sifting,

xojmo

 

 

 

FFTD – The Prelude

Before I start my “Fifty First Tinder Dates” journey, I wanted to lay down some rules.

  1. Names may or may not be changed to protect the “innocent.” I mean, how will you know if his name is really Steve or not?
  2. These dates may have not been “recent” meaning if I post something it doesn’t mean it happened last night or in the past week.
  3. I’m still working out a format I want to use. Until then, it’s going to be a bit bumpy. Give me a minute to figure out the flow.
  4. Yes, I will be shortening it to FFTD as well as use my Twitter (@xojmo) account to throw out little random things that have to do with all of my Tinder dates. Please check out #FFTD if you are on the Tweets.
  5. I never said these dates are going to be exciting. So if it’s lame, don’t complain.
  6. Also, maybe I’ll write about dates that weren’t the FIRST date. I get ghosted and more even if it’s a second or third date. So I feel like those are apropos.
  7. Here are my dating rules: I do not invite strangers into my home. I like to meet in public OR at his place. I am safe. Or at least try to be. But things happen. But yeah I don’t want people here. First, I think it’s lazy for the guy to just come by. Like, stop. At least take me out. OR cook me dinner at your house. Anything. I’m here at my place all the time and I’m looking to get the hell out of here. Second, I can guarantee you that if I actually did invite people over here – it would be like a deli counter with numbers at the  market: I’d be busy. Especially since a lot of dudes I “date” are younger than me. And they still  live at home. And NO they aren’t 19 – they can legit be 28 and they still live at home. Third, some don’t even want to buy me a drink (hey, Joey!) so I don’t bother meeting up with them. So I talk to a lot of guys on Tinder/Text/Snap (I don’t send nudes. FYI) but it never really comes to fruition. I can write about all of that too. Let me know what you want to know. I have no problem sharing.
  8. Last, I have no idea what I’m doing. But let’s start the ride, shall we?

xojmo