JMo Reviews: Black Cocoa Creme Iced Coffee

Unrelated to the topic at hand, but you know what I love about Canada geese (and yes, it’s Canada and not Canadian, thank you very much), they just don’t give a shit. They’re like the Hell’s Angels of birds. They just go wherever they want.  Sit, stand…no difference. Congregate, shit everywhere and just look at you….threatening to charge at you at any moment. I picture them saying in their heads “Oh yeah, you don’t like us on this football field? Tough shit. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, sucka!”

“That’s what I thought!”

So every time I go to Dunkin Donuts recently I’m bombarded with images of Men in Black. New donuts! A new iced coffee! I usually just take my iced tea and skulk out of there,  sneaking glances at this new beverage  advertisement (please amuse me by pronouncing that in the Queen’s English. Thank you).  And one day I thought, “Gee whiz!! Tomorrow I’m going to buy me one of those.”

Yes, tomorrow. Because at that time,  I wasn’t ready.  I needed to do my homework. What is that Black Cocoa Creme Iced Coffee besides racially insensitive, obvs?

Let PR Newswire tell me what it’s all about:

Wait. Does that say “yeast donut?” That sounds very unappealing. At least to the ladies.

“With the taste of cookies and cream?” Really?  What exactly does that taste like? What kind of cookies? Oreos? Chocolate Chip? Those yummy chocolate cookies with the sugar all over them made by Archway?

Unknown. But I asked the girl who was handing me my iced tea (when I wasn’t ready for an out of this world coffee) “Hey, how is that Men in Black coffee?”

Her: “I’ve never tried it. But a lot of customers love it. It’s already pre-sweetened so you don’t need to add any sugar or anything. All it is is a pump of our mocha and a pump of the caramel.”

Me: “Huh.”

I was intrigued. And looked forward to the  next day when I would finally get my Black Cocoa on.

Here’s what I expected:

Forget “cream.” That’s for the shmucks at Tim Horton’s.

(Time out. Sorry. I’ll get back to your regularly scheduled blog post, but you know when you say words over and over again, even in your head, and then they start to sound weird?And even look weird? That is what’s happening with the word “cream” right now.  Not to  mention the R rated connotation. Cream. Tastes like cookies n’ cream.  I’ll have to remember to tell the gents that. Ha!)

Here’s what I got:

*sad trombone*

Couldn’t they have shaken it up a little more? All the chocolate was sitting at the bottom.  That’s one good thing about Starbuck’s – those fuckers know how to shake up their beverages.

My review: Two Galatical Thumbs Up! I enjoyed it. Will probably get it again. And now I know the secret combo of squirts (yeast, cream and squirts. Jesus.) so whence this beverage is no longer for purchase at Dunkin’ Donuts, I can still get it.

You’re welcome,


Dude, Are You THAT Lazy?

So it’s Saturday night around 6:30 and I decided to go to the Supermarket. Why the heck not? It’s not like I had plans or anything. *sigh*

I start off my shopping excursion with one of those tiny shopping carts. Nothing says “I’m a huge lonely loser” quite like shopping on a Saturday evening (let’s go with that. It makes me feel better than saying “night”) with your reusable  bags (one Jack Skellington and the other Kermit the Frog) and pushing around one of those tiny shopping carts.


I don't need a bigger cart, you see, because I live all alone. Can you tell me where I can find the Cheesy Poofs?

Ok, so I’m scanning and bagging my groceries as I go and I’m all ready to check out. I spied the NEW issue of Us Weekly with a pregnant Snooki on the cover. The headline: “OMG. I’m Pregnant.”  Somewhere a dead reporter rolled over in this grave. It’s come to this: a magazine with “OMG” on the cover. Kill me now.

BUT totally didn’t stop me from shelling out a whopping $4.49 (before tax) on this magazine. NOPE, not proud at all. BUT I’ve watched every single episode of Jersey Shore and I’m kinda happy for her and her orange Munchkin of a boyfriend, Jionni.

(For the record: I completely think that Snooki did hook up with The Situation while The Unit and Ryder were hooking up. OMG, my dead corpse from the future just rolled over in her grave for me just writing that sentence.)

As I’m heading to the self checkout (God forbid I let an actual cashier see my pathetic grocery list) a guy is pushing up his regular sized shopping cart with nothing in it, but one steak.

He parks the carriage/cart (you know, depending on what part of the country you live in. Dear Foreign Readers: No idea what you call these things in Europe or Asia. Probably “dollies” or “shoppers”) right in front of the aforementioned magazines and takes his ONE steak to the self check out.

The shopping cart is literally 5 feet from all the other carriages. I was thisclose to saying “Dude? Seriously? You can’t bring that friggin’ cart back over to where they belong?”

But I bit my tongue. I was just flabbergasted that he didn’t feel like putting it back where it belongs. He was SO close. I mean, he should’ve just left it in the frozen food aisle. Oh wait, he didn’t even make it that far. … Leave it in the meat section, I meant.

Whatever. After I was all checked out (And yes I deduct five cents per reusable bag) I neatly returned my Pathetic Loser Cart to the rightful place and carried my two bags out to the car. Drove my ass home and read all about how Snooki is OMG pregnant.

When asked how many diapers a baby goes through in a week, she said 80. He said 12.  Feel free to look up the real answer. Safe to say…he wasn’t even close. God help us!

Fist pump!