FFTD – wyd rn

A big part of a dating app is communication. And I have no idea how to communicate with anyone anymore.

In this day and age, we have the EASIEST ways EVER to let someone down OR ask/tell them something you don’t have the confidence to say face to face, or even over the phone.

No one calls anybody anymore. Which…fine. I have a computer in my pocket where you can send me quick bursts of messages. No email. No phone call. No fax. No carrier pigeon. Literally, a tiny keyboard on my phone, let’s me communicate with someone else with words, or emojis, or pictures or videos. It’s amazing.

And completely impersonal.

You know for an app that is widely known as a Hook Up App, Tinder is a an otherwise terrible place to find people who know how to communicate with each other.

As an English major (and the product of my 11th grade Honors English teacher, Ms. Prince), I came to appreciate the English language. There are so many different words! Some are even dying out! Let’s bring them back!!

But how? God forbid I type in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation in a text!! It makes me come across as overbearing and way too serious.

So, if I wanted to explore the dating jungle, I had to learn the mating calls, as well as a whole new language.

I will now share with you, my readers.

Can’t just say “hi” or “hey.” Must add extra letters for no explicable reason. Such as, but not limited to: Hiiii, Heyyyy and

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As well as

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The reason I absolutely don’t get the extra letters AT ALL is because of all the fucking abbreviations I have to figure out on my own!  Sometimes I have to ask!! And remember what I said earlier – Can’t be using correct grammar and spelling and all that shit. Gotta play it kewl (cool: which is the same amount of letters, yet…spelling. *sobs*)

I thought I knew all the hip lingo of the young people: lit, LOL, yolo, a/s/l, groovy, NSFW, etc. But right away I was in for a whole new experience. Gotta learn on your feet. My high school German teacher moved to Germany and learned German by getting a job in the local supermarket. If Frau DeLosh could submerge herself in that culture and thrive, surely I can throw myself into this hip, new language and live to tell about it. Language, after all, is important because it’s how we communicate with one another.

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Oh boy. (#OhBoy on Twitter)

I remember the first word I learned in German. Der Apfel. You see, each noun has its own gender: female, male or neutral. Apples are male. This isn’t relevant, but holy hell, hbu wyd?? At least Apfel kind of looks like Apple. Sounds similar. Easy first lesson. Tinder wasn’t being kind on this newbie.

Can we first start with the fact that those letters each symbolize a word? Ok. But then again, hbu… “how About you” gets even more dumbed down to “how bout u.” “How boot u, eh” if you are Canadian.

Can you see how language is dying right before our eyes?

Ok, let’s move on to next abbreviation: wyd. What are you doing? what you doing.

Regardless of what it means, when my brain SEES ‘wyd’ it only wants to HEAR this, which is the commercial that came out after this one (both classics), and also this (Phineas and Ferb fans know the struggle).

Let’s not forget about ‘wbu’ and the puzzling ‘wru.’

What about you? what bout u.

For the life of me, and without any context clues at all, I got a ‘wru’ message. And I assumed the W was what… What you doing? What about you? what rigatoni u.

WHERE ARE YOU? I had no idea that wru took the place of “Where do you live?”

The tiny but powerful ‘af’ and helpful ‘rn’. As in, “Im hornyyy af rn”

(Have I mentioned that apostrophes and contractions should be kissed goodbye? I truly believe that if I polled 1,000 people between the ages of 20-35, none of them would know the different between “Its” and “It’s” and when it’s appropriate to use one over the other.)

“I am horny as fuck right now!” The swan song of Tinder! I’m not sure how I would explain “as fuck” to aliens just learning English.  “It’s like, ‘a lot.”

Alien: Why not just say ‘a lot?’

Me:

wonka

I gave up asking questions about all of this. Okayyyyyy?

 

BTW (by the way) yes, I know you are horny. You are a man with a penis. It’s a pretty famous theme, like, you guys have made pills for yourselves so that when you are old and your penis is LIMP, you can still get it up. Like, we get it. You are horny right now and all the time, Gollum.

Would you like to see a picture of this language being used in it’s natural habitat?

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A future FFTD!

“So you ain’t trynna…” or “You trynna”

Um, I’m not trying to do anything. If you ask me “You trynna to smoke” my answer is no, I’m not trying to. I’m actually doing do. Do or do not, dude. There is no try. Some smart guy named Hamlet said that a longgg time ago in a country far, far away.

“you trynna get laid”

I’m sorry, Are you talking to me? I am certainly NOT trying to get laid ….

by you.

I mean, why do all guys think I want to fuck them? They are not even tens. Listen, I’m not a ten, but when tens want to get with me, I take notice!! So maybe, sure, sleep with a Chris Evans type…or rather, trynnnna to get with Cap. Sure. But don’t assume I’m trynna to do anything…with you!

Except get high on your weed, drinks and nachos tbh (to by honest).

You feel me?

xojmo

 

 

 

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nein!!

Somehow I ended up on a blast email about Estate Sales. I’ve only been to a couple in my lifetime. But I like to look at upcoming sales: Always keeping an eye out for Disney stuff for the collection.

So, bingo, you guys. Look!

A vintage Mickey Mouse Toy. Cool!

Scroll down. Scroll down. Scroll down.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Scroll up! Scroll up! Scroll up! Scroll up!

What the actual fuck?

Did I completely miss the part about Nazi paraphernalia in the listing?

After ferociously scrolling up, I see it.

A “nice selection of WWII memorabilia.”

A nice selection?

Huh.

This is is a town where 3 people I know live.

I dunno. I feel like there’s an audience for that stuff. Weird to just kind of toss the pics in there like… No biggie. Ever hear of eBay?!

Just give people a head’s up. That’s all I’m saying.

Needless to say I will not be heading to Naziville for Mickey.

If you are wondering, he is vintage and hella creepy.

Pass!

Auf wiedersehen,
Die xojmo

Why Isn’t There a “Men of Epcot’s World Showcase” Calendar?!

(**UPDATE:  This post seems to be trending on my page and I can see what is getting traffic here. If you are visiting this and you have pictures of these men and are NOT sharing them with me, I will be very sad. Or at least please leave a comment if you know these guys. OR if you are these guys! Merci and Danke!**)

Last Saturday (07/23/2011) I was at EPCOT Center (Yes, I still call it that. I cannot wrap my brain around Epcot. Just like how I cannot wrap my brain around NesQuik. For most of my life it was Nestle Quik. And then they smooshed the words together. Why? Also something I don’t understand… SalonPas. Have you seen the commercial for these? Not a catchy name, in fact it’s the opposite of catchy…and yet here I am…talking about SalonPas. I guess it got me to remember it’s ridiculous name.) and I was visiting the different pavilions in World Showcase. For those of you who don’t know (Super Sigh @ all of you!!), EPCOT Center is divided into two sections (as opposed to all of Gaul which was divided into three): World Showcase and Future World. Basically Future World has the rides and World Showcase has the booze. I mean, the cultures from all different countries.

There were two men in particular that made me stop dead in my tracks and I want to tell you about them. And I secretly hope that a movement will happen where you will all vacation at the Walt Disney World Resort and head to Epcot’s World Showcase and find these two men and photograph them and then SEND those pics to me. Because really….I love them.  They are so so hot. Wow!

Ok first guy was in France. His name: Pierre. Of course!!  He is a natural beauty. And I don’t think I”ve ever said that about a French person before. And being a man and being hot is WAY more impressive than being a chick and being hot. Because chicks wear makeup to enhance their looks or cover up the scary shit. Men…they just show us their true selves. And wow…Pierre.

I walked up to the kiosk ‘Les Vins des Chefs de France.’  I was looking to buy my fave frozen drink – Grand Mariner Orange Slush (make with Grey Goose). YUMMY! Well when it was my turn to get up in line I heard “How can I help you madame?” in the hottest, sexiest French accent coming from the hottest and sexiest guy in Fake France – Pierre. (Hurry. If you are reading this and you are already at Disney World, please go take photos of him and email them immediately at contact.xojmo@gmail.com .  I will literally send a dollar to everyone who sends me a picture of him!)

I usually hate being called “ma’am”, but being called “madame” by a hot French guy has an awesome ring to it. So already I’m smitten, but then I get a good look at him, and WOWZERS.  Tanned skin. Sparkling blue eyes. And blonde crew-cut hair.  He is just the bee’s knees if you ask me. Meow!! JMo likey!! We chatted a bit, or rather I stumbled over some words and then that was it. My encounter with one of the finest specimens on the planet was over. I am jealous of all of you who have yet to meet him. He is a looker! Fo’ Sho’!

The next hot guy worked in Germany at the Sommerfest kiosk. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It’s like Pierre had a hot long-lost cousin in the Black Forest of Germany and his name is Paul!  “Paul” is not a sexy German name. Actually no German names are sexy but Paul…? Is that even German?  Don’t care. Because guess what…he really was German and I know this because we spoke German to one another. Oh yeah! JMo knows her German. And would Frau Delosh be impressed. Wunderbar!

I decided to order my drink Auf Deutsch in order to a) impress Herr Paul and b) spend more time with him since there was an assload of people behind me in line and the last thing I wanted to do was to STOP looking at him. Er ist sehr gut looki, ja?? JA!! Ja wohl!!

Paul is the opposite of Pierre but still smoking hot. Pierre was on the shorter side and Paul…he was tall. And looked like a cross between Kellan Lutz of Twilight fame and WR for the New England Patriots, Wes Welker.  This is my horrible stalker photo:

Yes, Paul is wearing lederhosen. Still super hot.  (By the way – I decided to Wiki “lederhosen” to learn more about them. All I have to say is: How disturbing is that photo under “Traditional German boys’ clothing”? The head was cropped off and is that a bulge? )

When it’s finally my turn, I ask him (in English) – “I would like to try to order from you in German. If you don’t mind.”

Can’t remember exactly what he said (again, I’m just STARING at him!) but it sounded like it was OK for me to ask him in German.

me: “kann ich ein oktoberfest bier haben bitte?”

him: “excuse me? what?”

me: *terribly mortified because he didn’t understand me and now I feel like I got rejected at junior high dance*

him: *starts laughing and speaking German quickly.* I pretend that I follow it – barely! But he finally asks me “ein? zwei?”

me: “ein bier, bitte. Danke.”

He tells me that I owe him “acht” I hand him a “zwanzig” and get “zwolf” back.

There  are “Dankes” and  “Bittes” and then he tells me “Auf Wiedersehen” and I say “Tschuss!” Which is like slang for goodbye. And he smiles and also “Tschuss”es me.

And then I yelled “ICH LIEBE DICH!!! ” Okay I really didn’t. But my heart did. Holy smokes. Again, if you are at World Showcase anytime soon, find Paul. And Pierre. Get them together!! Take pictures. Send them to me. Please!! I want the internet to work for me now!!

I can tell you that Italy did not have any fine men at their drink kiosks. For shame!! But in all seriousness, Disney should capitalize on the hot interns they have there during the summer and sell calendars with their pictures a la NYPD Firemen. They don’t even have to be lewd (although that would be ideal but then again, very un-Disney-like). I just would love to be able to look at Pierre for a whole month.  *sigh*  I think Disney should be all for it since they love selling stuff. And they love it even more when we buy stuff. And I LOVE buying stuff at Disney. But that’s a whole other blog! (Which I will probably never write).

Down with being O.P.P.,

xojmo

P.S. Happy 40th Magic Kingdom!  “Here you leave today and enter the world of yesterday, tomorrow, and fantasy.”