This is Dangerous

You guys. Having the ability to do blog stuff on my phone is wicked convenient but also dangerous. Like right now. Just in from a great night out, filled with a ton of laughs and all that good stuff blah blah blah. 

Now I’m home. Wide awake. Just washed all that makeup off and now I’m just straight up chilling. Thinking that this is a good idea. To just type whatever I want. 

And I’m vaping. Still recovering from the burning ash debacle from two weeks ago. I have this goofy scar thing which is super notable since I’m tan but my … What’s like not a bad burn number? Second degree? Totally not going to look that up. Anyway, I have a pink pot mark right in the middle of my chest! And then I rub at it. It’s a whole thing. 


Ok anyway. Where was I? This is only doable since I downloaded the Swype app for my iPhone. The app sucks. I miss the Swipe keyboard on my old HTC One. That phone ruled. And that swipe keyboard was smart. This one sucks. So if there are any blatant typos it’s the stupid app. And I’m stoned and rubbing my keyboard like a pervert. 

You know what I don’t like? People. But more specifically, people who aren’t real. Who aren’t themselves. Around me. Because what happens is, I end up liking fake you. And real you sucks. Lying jerk. (This is toward no one in particular)

I think I’m totally real with people. I know when to be polite and all that shit but what you see…er… Experience? Yeah. You experience me is what you get. And sometimes it’s boring. Then fast. Then shit goes sideways. I don’t lie about it. It’s a lot. I’m a lot. 

But I’m okay with it. As much as I dislike me, no one loves me more than me. Trust me! Me me me! Haha. But sometimes when I’m with someone I lose me. What happens? Where do I go? Hidden. Worried. I need to be nurtured. 

This is so boring. Sorry to the seven of you that got this in your email and you actually read it.  

I refuse to lose myself over something so stupid. I know what I want. I deserve what I want. I mean, besides the snow white Escalade, I don’t want for much. Okay, one expensive LEGO set. But it’s Disney. And that’s like God to me. You won’t buy me a LEGO set of GOD?! Jesus Christ. 

This kinda went off the rails but I think that’s fun. I love fun. I don’t have enough fun! I love road trips. And surprises. And balloons, for some reason. But not in any weird way. Fucking balloons (Yes, Swype, add “fucking” to the dictionary. Haven’t we already done this already?!). Who even knows that about me? I think my sister does. But literally no one else. And not because I keep it secret.  Sad! 

I want to say so much more, but it would flow so much easier from my fingers on an actual keyboard. And JMo won’t be moving towards the desk anytime soon. And yes I still use a PC. I have a laptop but it’s so hard to type with my nails. Which would look hella fresh on the steering wheel of my ‘lade.     Sorry 

I’m shut off. Of this. But I’m gonna stay up late and watch TV … what a naughty Friday night. 

Not balloon animals, no. Floating balloons. 

xojmo 

Encino Woman

I really need to get motivated. And have yet to do so. So…why not blog? Someone asked me last night “Why do you blog?” And I was like “Um, I have no idea really. Because I like to write and I sometimes think that others like to read what I write. Sometimes.” And then I changed the subject.

Anyway, while waiting for the storm to start (which means the store will be all out of batteries, and I need them for my vibrator. First world problems, yo) I decided to think ahead to 2013.  Soon I will be turning 30-something again and I want to change my life. I know, I talk about this a lot and then nothing happens. Yeah well…welcome to my world.

So first off: I will be more optimistic. Ok so writing that is like saying “I will become a world champion at snowboarding” but…I’m willing to try. Optimism – Nice to meet you. Let’s spend some time together. Maybe if I’m open to good things, then good things will happen to me. (Personally I think that’s bullshit. BUT I’m allowed to say that because it’s still 2012. The year of the Eeyore.)

Optimism-vs-Pessimism

Second: I will finish my book (filled with all sorts of smut per Denise’s request). I will. I swear. I want you all to see it. Read it. And if reading about sexy stuff gets you all up tight, then I will tell you which pages it’s on and you can just skip those. It’s not like my characters are going to be moving the plot along while tongue kissing each other’s privates.  (Ok, that was over the line somewhat right? Ah, fuck it.) Let’s hear it for oral sex! (I’m inappropriate. It’s a problem. I’m only inappropriate in type though. Never in person.)

Third: I need to figure out how to date. You know how people with severe allergies can give a card to their waiter at a restaurant and then the waiter knows “Ok, don’t feed this person wheat, dairy or soy and we’re good to go?”  I wish I could have one of those cards to hand out to boys I like. I think it would go something like this:

I’m broken. I have no idea how to do this. Please be patient with me. I’m a little bit crazy, but it’s okay because it comes with the intelligence. Which is important if we ever play trivia and we’re on the same team. I go by past experiences and if this experience deviates a little bit from that, then I’ll probably freak out ‘cuz I don’t know what to do. If you don’t text or call I assume you don’t like me anymore. Which is probably not true, but … I’m like a dog when their owner leaves. “Are they coming back? They left me. Oh they’re back. Joy!” But I feel like I’m constantly in that “Where did they go, are they thinking of me phase.” Which is insecure. I know. But I already admitted that I’m broken. I’m trying. I really am. I have a good heart, believe it or not. Give me a chance. I mean, I don’t know when I’ll ever meet another who admits to Jedi being their favorite Star Wars movie (like me) and also enjoys Disney (like me). And even though you may not like Family Guy. That’s okay because I’ll show you the episode that won me over. I’m not looking for everything. Just something. Hand holding. Smiles. Texts. I’ll try to be normal. Even though I don’t know what that is. Think of me as the caveman in Encino Man. Just give me some time and with a little help I’ll figure it out.  I need training wheels for a bit. I just want a chance to get to know you and vice versa.

Fourth: I want to tell all the ninnies that didn’t like my “I hate your dog” post to GO FUCK OFF. Get a life. Seriously. Little kids were killed in their first grade class…cowering while their teacher tried to save them…and you are complaining because I complained that your dog whines and annoys your neighbors? It’s a fact of life, lady. Or dude. Cuz I still don’t know who you are. But you know who I am. And that kinda makes me a celebrity. Wheeeee!

So I think I’ve procrastinated enough. I need to get ready. I need to hit up Stop and Shop for some storm supplies. Then I’m meeting up with my bestie for dinner and a movie.

What more could I ask for? Well, a lot, but I’ll take what I gots. Optimistic JMo is going to be weird, so I’ll need you all’s help. Also, I know this is weird, but I sort of need some help with the book and it’s regarding fantasies. Anyone want to share any? I need some help. Email me at jmo@xojmo.com

Ok so…Facebook can’t really tell someone how much you’ve been looking at their page right?

xojmo

Would You Rather…Deux Over

Yesterday when I wrote my blog I felt like a couple of the answers were way too easy. So I randomly picked out another card from the game Would You Rather.  Feel free to discuss your answers in the comments section after reading. But don’t mock my answers…afterall I could only pick ONE of the two options!

First category is Pain | Fear | Discomfort

Question: Would you rather have the web between all of your toes pierced with a large nail OR the flesh on your kneecap cut off with a pair of scissors?

JMo answer: The mere thought of having the flesh on my kneecap cut off with a pair of scissors is enough to make my vomit all over my keyboard.  So by default I have to go with the first option.

Second category is Appearance | Embarrassment.

Question: Would you rather be known as someone who will have sex spontaneously anywhere at anytime OR be known as the kind of person who would never do that?

JMo answer:  Sign me up for sex anywhere at anytime! Woohoo!! (Seriously. Please. I’m not getting any younger.)

Third category is Food | Ingestion.

Question: Would you rather have to eat a raw goldfish (and chew it) OR lick the bottoms of a homeless men’s feet?

JMo answer: Is the goldfish alive? Would I have to feel it flopping around in my mouth a la A Fish Called Wanda (“K-K-Ken’s C-C-Coming to K-K-Kill me!” “Chip UP the nose!” Can you tell I love that movie?) And where is this homeless man living? What if he lives in a clean city like Seattle or something? Oh gosh. I guess I have to go with the goldfish. But I’m truly not sure. DON’T JUDGE ME!

Fourth category is Ethics | Intellect.

Question: Would you rather have a vocabulary limited to 25 words OR have unlimited sign language ability but no ability to speak?

JMo answer: Who am I? Nell?? I’ll take the sign language! Next!

Fifth and last category is Random.

Question: Would you rather keep your left thumb OR give it up for five million dollars?

JMo answer: C’mon. I’m neither left-handed, a chronic hitchhiker, Siskel nor Ebert.  Show me the money!!

I hope these were better (and more shocking) questions and answers. Look for more Would You Rather posts in the future. And feel free to ask JMo your own Would You Rather questions in the comments section!

I give this post one thumb up,

xojmo

Would You Rather…

Many years ago I bought the game “Would You Rather…” I seriously could not tell you how to actually play it because honestly, I just adore the questions it asks and nothing else.  Their answers tell a lot about a person. So I’m more interested in asking people these questions than playing the game. So I had a couple of the cards hanging around my desk, and randomly picked one to write a blog post.  Let’s begin:

First category is Pain | Fear | Discomfort.

Question: Would you rather sleep naked in a 10-foot by 10-foot room with 100 black widows OR ten rattlesnakes?

JMo answer: Ugh. Already I’m stumped. I detest spiders, so by default I have to go with the rattlesnakes. Not that I love rattlesnakes or anything. But the beauty of these questions is that you have to choose one, even when they are both disgusting and hard.

Second category is Appearance | Embarrassment.

Question: Would you rather wear pantyhose pulled over your head, without explanation, the next time you go to do some banking OR wear an “I love Bill Clinton” T-Shirt to the Republican National Convention for the whole day?

JMo answer:  Ok seriously…this is EASY. I do love Bill Clinton. And bitch please – I OWN that shirt already! So fuck yeah I’m wearing it to the RNC for the whole day. PLUS, banking? Who the hell goes into a bank anymore? Any pantyhose?  Stop the madness!

Third category is Food | Ingestion.

Question: If you could only drink one thing for the rest of your life, have it be breast milk OR germ free, but sour, cow’s milk?

JMo answer: UGH! For the rest of my life? Seriously? Drink only one thing? I guess it would have to be breast milk. I keep hearing how super good it is for babies, so at least I’d get some nutrients out of it. Plus, sour cow’s milk? How could one drink that? No way.

Fourth category is Ethics | Intellect.

Question: Would you rather have a scientist make one baby close of you OR never have any biological children at all?

JMo answer: Shit. I should’ve vetted this card before choosing it. Two slam dunks in one card…first I love Bill Clinton. Duh. And now I have to choose between my baby clone or not having any snot-nosed kids at all?  C’mon.  Anyone who reads this blog (and who doesn’t??) already knows what I would answer. If not, please see one of my greatest blog posts of all time. (Ok so trying to add a link and WordPress is being annoying. https://xojmo.wordpress.com/2011/03/14/my-biological-clock-must-be-digital-because-i-dont-hear-it-ticking/  So instead of linking it to text, which is way cooler, I am forced to just throw the link in. Whatever. Go read it!!)

Fifth and last category is Random.

Question: Would you rather kill Winnie the Pooh OR Bambi?

JMo answer: Another fitting question since I’m a Disneyphile. Also, sadly, an easy one. I would kill Pooh in a nanosecond. My goodness, he is annoying. Why can’t Christopher Robin teach him for grammar or spelling??

I will definitely have to revisit the Would You Rather… cards and choose one with harder choices. These seem to be tailored for me. And honestly I would not have chosen it. I don’t think it’s interesting when you can already guess the answers. Sorry to all my peeps! Maybe I’ll do another one later. Why not? It is labor day afterall. I should be laborious. Is that a word? Ah fuck it…too lazy to look it up!

Until next time,

xojmo