Fifty First Tinder Dates: III – Brandon Matthew

When Brandon (or Brendan, I don’t fucking know) and I matched on Tinder his profile said he was 31. He liked cooking and smoking weed, of course. He lived in a really shitty part of my state, but I was invited over for a home cooked dinner, so I made the drive down.

Let me reiterate this: I was invited over for dinner. That he was supposedly cooking. I let him know that I was bringing cookies for dessert afterwards (bakery made Oreos)! I was definitely looking forward to it. Finally, a grown up who knows how to cook … for me!

Let’s get right down to it: BM was NOT 31. In fact, as of this moment I cannot remember how old is actually was… but maybe more like 24. I’m not against hanging out with 24 year olds, but why lie? Why lie on Tinder? (Dumbest question ever asked!)

Also, guess what? NO dinner! We ended up ordering pizza and salad. We sat down in the living room to eat, but there was no working television. Which was fine with me, cuz I thought we were use this time to get to know each other.

I learned that BM had a child (um… ok? Weird time to hear about her.) and she neither lived with him nor her mom. Apparently, she lives with his parents. Um.. ok. Again, a weird time to bring this up, but I’m not going to judge. People have a hard time with life (me included) and I’m not going to judge (too harshly) how things shook out. He seemed like an interested father, so I moved on. She is obviously better off with her grandparents.

So, guess where a television did work? In his bedroom! How convenient! I want to stop here and let you all know: While BM and I were corresponding on Tinder and/or text, at no point was there excessive sexting or nudes. It was mostly normal, I think. I mean, you know how guys are though…

I got talked into watching The Martian in his bedroom. I had never seen it. I actually hate watching movies on dates because … well, no one lets me watch them!! At one point, he starts smoking and doesn’t offer me any. I’m ANNOYED beyond belief. First I was supposed to believe he was 31, then I was supposed to believe there would be freshly cooked dinner, and then we were supposed to smoke. But looks like he was smoking without me. I let it go.

We are sitting up on his bed. We have not touched or kissed (I honestly cannot remember if we hugged when we met at the door) the whole time I’ve been there. He turns to me (while I’m trying to watch The Martian, mind you) and says,

“Would you mind if I took it out so I can play with myself while you watched?”

…………………………………………………………………………

YES I WOULD FUCKING MIND!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

Things after that get blurry because I was blind with rage and a stark reality came over me that I just put myself in a REALLY BAD situation. I allowed myself to be invited into some rando’s house, in his bedroom actually, and now he wants to jerk off in front of me. I’m lucky he didn’t knock me out and take advantage of me in multiple ways.

I got up in a huff. I was shaking. He seemed embarrassed but more annoyed that I didn’t let him. I left, grabbing my fancy Oreos on the way out. Fuck no I’m not leaving those – they were expensive!! He didn’t even cook!

I drove away from his home and that shitty neighborhood, actually crying. I know, y’all are like “Damn, JMo, crying again?” Yes, I was crying AGAIN because I got that Fight or Flight thing you get when your adrenaline is pumping. I knew I was just in a strangers apartment who wanted to do something that I didn’t… and I was lucky enough that he let me leave and it didn’t take a turn for the absolute worst. Which should be a concern of any woman going anywhere with a man she doesn’t know. Regardless if he is 31, 21 or 81. Bitch gotta be super careful out there!

And in case you don’t believe me, that a man I didn’t know asked if he could whip his dick out and start playing with himself… I’ve got receipts. (OF course!)

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So, what you are saying is, what you are looking for in a woman is someone who totally likes you surprise masturbating in front of her? Got it!

I gotta say though, for a creep, he wrote decently and it was nice of him to apologize. He sent me that text on his own. I did not text him about the night and I certainly unmatched him on Tinder.

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Good for you and your “huge fetish.” Maybe run that by someone via text before actually doing it in real life next time?

Third strike and I’m out? Not quite. Remember this is FIFTY dates from Tinder.

Up next – dates 4 and 5 – two guys with the same name but very different personalities. Also, two very different dates! You have NO idea. We are just getting started!!

Stay tuned to find out more movies I never got to finish,

xojmo

 

FFTD – wyd rn

A big part of a dating app is communication. And I have no idea how to communicate with anyone anymore.

In this day and age, we have the EASIEST ways EVER to let someone down OR ask/tell them something you don’t have the confidence to say face to face, or even over the phone.

No one calls anybody anymore. Which…fine. I have a computer in my pocket where you can send me quick bursts of messages. No email. No phone call. No fax. No carrier pigeon. Literally, a tiny keyboard on my phone, let’s me communicate with someone else with words, or emojis, or pictures or videos. It’s amazing.

And completely impersonal.

You know for an app that is widely known as a Hook Up App, Tinder is a an otherwise terrible place to find people who know how to communicate with each other.

As an English major (and the product of my 11th grade Honors English teacher, Ms. Prince), I came to appreciate the English language. There are so many different words! Some are even dying out! Let’s bring them back!!

But how? God forbid I type in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation in a text!! It makes me come across as overbearing and way too serious.

So, if I wanted to explore the dating jungle, I had to learn the mating calls, as well as a whole new language.

I will now share with you, my readers.

Can’t just say “hi” or “hey.” Must add extra letters for no explicable reason. Such as, but not limited to: Hiiii, Heyyyy and

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As well as

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The reason I absolutely don’t get the extra letters AT ALL is because of all the fucking abbreviations I have to figure out on my own!  Sometimes I have to ask!! And remember what I said earlier – Can’t be using correct grammar and spelling and all that shit. Gotta play it kewl (cool: which is the same amount of letters, yet…spelling. *sobs*)

I thought I knew all the hip lingo of the young people: lit, LOL, yolo, a/s/l, groovy, NSFW, etc. But right away I was in for a whole new experience. Gotta learn on your feet. My high school German teacher moved to Germany and learned German by getting a job in the local supermarket. If Frau DeLosh could submerge herself in that culture and thrive, surely I can throw myself into this hip, new language and live to tell about it. Language, after all, is important because it’s how we communicate with one another.

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Oh boy. (#OhBoy on Twitter)

I remember the first word I learned in German. Der Apfel. You see, each noun has its own gender: female, male or neutral. Apples are male. This isn’t relevant, but holy hell, hbu wyd?? At least Apfel kind of looks like Apple. Sounds similar. Easy first lesson. Tinder wasn’t being kind on this newbie.

Can we first start with the fact that those letters each symbolize a word? Ok. But then again, hbu… “how About you” gets even more dumbed down to “how bout u.” “How boot u, eh” if you are Canadian.

Can you see how language is dying right before our eyes?

Ok, let’s move on to next abbreviation: wyd. What are you doing? what you doing.

Regardless of what it means, when my brain SEES ‘wyd’ it only wants to HEAR this, which is the commercial that came out after this one (both classics), and also this (Phineas and Ferb fans know the struggle).

Let’s not forget about ‘wbu’ and the puzzling ‘wru.’

What about you? what bout u.

For the life of me, and without any context clues at all, I got a ‘wru’ message. And I assumed the W was what… What you doing? What about you? what rigatoni u.

WHERE ARE YOU? I had no idea that wru took the place of “Where do you live?”

The tiny but powerful ‘af’ and helpful ‘rn’. As in, “Im hornyyy af rn”

(Have I mentioned that apostrophes and contractions should be kissed goodbye? I truly believe that if I polled 1,000 people between the ages of 20-35, none of them would know the different between “Its” and “It’s” and when it’s appropriate to use one over the other.)

“I am horny as fuck right now!” The swan song of Tinder! I’m not sure how I would explain “as fuck” to aliens just learning English.  “It’s like, ‘a lot.”

Alien: Why not just say ‘a lot?’

Me:

wonka

I gave up asking questions about all of this. Okayyyyyy?

 

BTW (by the way) yes, I know you are horny. You are a man with a penis. It’s a pretty famous theme, like, you guys have made pills for yourselves so that when you are old and your penis is LIMP, you can still get it up. Like, we get it. You are horny right now and all the time, Gollum.

Would you like to see a picture of this language being used in it’s natural habitat?

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A future FFTD!

“So you ain’t trynna…” or “You trynna”

Um, I’m not trying to do anything. If you ask me “You trynna to smoke” my answer is no, I’m not trying to. I’m actually doing do. Do or do not, dude. There is no try. Some smart guy named Hamlet said that a longgg time ago in a country far, far away.

“you trynna get laid”

I’m sorry, Are you talking to me? I am certainly NOT trying to get laid ….

by you.

I mean, why do all guys think I want to fuck them? They are not even tens. Listen, I’m not a ten, but when tens want to get with me, I take notice!! So maybe, sure, sleep with a Chris Evans type…or rather, trynnnna to get with Cap. Sure. But don’t assume I’m trynna to do anything…with you!

Except get high on your weed, drinks and nachos tbh (to by honest).

You feel me?

xojmo

 

 

 

Fifty First Tinder Dates: I – Austin

I’m totally cheating on my very first FFTD post because I want to write about a “second date.” Only because it’s a perfect example of the shit that goes on. Also, I use the term “date” very loosely. It’s hard to find a guy who actually wants to take you out on a date OR just buy you a coffee. I’m still holding out for a gentleman, but until then, I will sift through the smoldering debris that is Online Dating.

I had first met Austin, 25, at his place so we could hang and get stoned. Listen, I’m not gonna lie, if these guys want to smoke me up (for free), I would be hard pressed to say no. So you’ll see a common thread here. 🙂

Austin was attractive. Luscious lips. I’m BIG on lips. And I won’t lie: I kissed those lips! We got along even though he said “You feel me?” way too much but who cares? Yeah, Austin, I feel you. Now pass the blunt.

Austin did not live alone. In fact, his roommate was a much older man. But who am I to judge? I never saw this roommate, but I knew he was around. I just hung out in Austin’s room, watching TV and what not.

So, technically, that First Tinder Date was good! I mean, I got no dinner or drinks. But I got to hang with an attractive man and feel good. Success!

At some point in the near future we made plans to hang out again because we both enjoyed each other’s company the first time! I agreed to make the 40 minute drive back to his place (I’m messy and I hate cleaning up for guests) at the time we both decided on.

I’m always punctual. I parked on the street outside his place. I texted: Hey I’m here. Nothing. I didn’t feel comfortable going up to the front door because of said old roommate, so I just hung out in the car waiting for Austin to get back to me.

I texted more. Called, even. A few times. Nothing. But from where I was parked, I could see his room’s window, shade all the way up, and I could see the television was on. That certainly does not mean he is home, or awake for that matter. I was really confused, and figured he passed out or something.

But after 15 minutes and hearing absolutely nothing from Austin, I finally saw the tv channel change in his room, as well as a shadow. So he IS in there!

What the actual fuck?

So, I did the MOST JMo thing ever: I got out of my car, and went right up to the window. It’s on the side of his house, and I can’t see right in, since the window is a bit above my head.

I threw my car keys up against the screen of the window. His window was closed because the air conditioner (in the other window) is on.

Moments later, I see Austin pop up, probably from his bed. He sees me. I see him. And I do the whole come hither thing with my finger, but not in a sexy way. More like, “Yeah um, get your ass over here since we made plans and I’m here and you’ve been ignoring me.”

In what seems like NOT real life, a smirk shows up on Austin’s face, walks over to the window I’m standing under, like a lame Romeo, – and instead of opening it up and saying “Oh man, how long have you been here?” HE PULLS THE SHADE DOWN!

RIGHT IN MY FACE.

Then walks over to the window with the air conditioner in it, and then pulls the shade down as far as he can there as well.

At my feet, a stray gray cat wondering what I’m doing there. As was I.

I walked back to my car. Tried to reach him again and got nothing.

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I mean, I drove all the way there. We’ve already hung out. And he saw me. Saw my face!!

I won’t lie. I cried a lot of my 40 minute drive of shame home. All I could think was, How hard would it have been to text me:

“Hey, don’t come. I hate you now.”

“I’m not home. Sorry, can we reschedule?”

Anything! Even if it was a lie. But I got nothing. It was disrespectful. Embarrassing. Sad. A whole bunch of negative adjectives.

At some point, days later, he tells me that his sister came by with his nephew (I saw neither of these people) and couldn’t hang out. But my thing is: WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST TELL ME? WHY DID YOU LET ME DRIVE ALL THE WAY THERE AND PARK AND WAIT AROUND FOR YOU JUST TO SMIRK IN MY FACE AND PULL THE SHADE DOWN?

Then he offered me $30 (supposedly for the gas I used to get to his place) but it truly just felt like a hooker thing – tossing me a ridiculously small amount of money to shut me up and then try to get me to come by again.

I miss the lips. And the free high. But the shade in my face was such a blatant diss, I cannot bring myself to ever see, or simply trust, Austin again.

Back to sifting,

xojmo