Fifty First Tinder Dates: III – Brandon Matthew

When Brandon (or Brendan, I don’t fucking know) and I matched on Tinder his profile said he was 31. He liked cooking and smoking weed, of course. He lived in a really shitty part of my state, but I was invited over for a home cooked dinner, so I made the drive down.

Let me reiterate this: I was invited over for dinner. That he was supposedly cooking. I let him know that I was bringing cookies for dessert afterwards (bakery made Oreos)! I was definitely looking forward to it. Finally, a grown up who knows how to cook … for me!

Let’s get right down to it: BM was NOT 31. In fact, as of this moment I cannot remember how old is actually was… but maybe more like 24. I’m not against hanging out with 24 year olds, but why lie? Why lie on Tinder? (Dumbest question ever asked!)

Also, guess what? NO dinner! We ended up ordering pizza and salad. We sat down in the living room to eat, but there was no working television. Which was fine with me, cuz I thought we were use this time to get to know each other.

I learned that BM had a child (um… ok? Weird time to hear about her.) and she neither lived with him nor her mom. Apparently, she lives with his parents. Um.. ok. Again, a weird time to bring this up, but I’m not going to judge. People have a hard time with life (me included) and I’m not going to judge (too harshly) how things shook out. He seemed like an interested father, so I moved on. She is obviously better off with her grandparents.

So, guess where a television did work? In his bedroom! How convenient! I want to stop here and let you all know: While BM and I were corresponding on Tinder and/or text, at no point was there excessive sexting or nudes. It was mostly normal, I think. I mean, you know how guys are though…

I got talked into watching The Martian in his bedroom. I had never seen it. I actually hate watching movies on dates because … well, no one lets me watch them!! At one point, he starts smoking and doesn’t offer me any. I’m ANNOYED beyond belief. First I was supposed to believe he was 31, then I was supposed to believe there would be freshly cooked dinner, and then we were supposed to smoke. But looks like he was smoking without me. I let it go.

We are sitting up on his bed. We have not touched or kissed (I honestly cannot remember if we hugged when we met at the door) the whole time I’ve been there. He turns to me (while I’m trying to watch The Martian, mind you) and says,

“Would you mind if I took it out so I can play with myself while you watched?”



Things after that get blurry because I was blind with rage and a stark reality came over me that I just put myself in a REALLY BAD situation. I allowed myself to be invited into some rando’s house, in his bedroom actually, and now he wants to jerk off in front of me. I’m lucky he didn’t knock me out and take advantage of me in multiple ways.

I got up in a huff. I was shaking. He seemed embarrassed but more annoyed that I didn’t let him. I left, grabbing my fancy Oreos on the way out. Fuck no I’m not leaving those – they were expensive!! He didn’t even cook!

I drove away from his home and that shitty neighborhood, actually crying. I know, y’all are like “Damn, JMo, crying again?” Yes, I was crying AGAIN because I got that Fight or Flight thing you get when your adrenaline is pumping. I knew I was just in a strangers apartment who wanted to do something that I didn’t… and I was lucky enough that he let me leave and it didn’t take a turn for the absolute worst. Which should be a concern of any woman going anywhere with a man she doesn’t know. Regardless if he is 31, 21 or 81. Bitch gotta be super careful out there!

And in case you don’t believe me, that a man I didn’t know asked if he could whip his dick out and start playing with himself… I’ve got receipts. (OF course!)


So, what you are saying is, what you are looking for in a woman is someone who totally likes you surprise masturbating in front of her? Got it!

I gotta say though, for a creep, he wrote decently and it was nice of him to apologize. He sent me that text on his own. I did not text him about the night and I certainly unmatched him on Tinder.


Good for you and your “huge fetish.” Maybe run that by someone via text before actually doing it in real life next time?

Third strike and I’m out? Not quite. Remember this is FIFTY dates from Tinder.

Up next – dates 4 and 5 – two guys with the same name but very different personalities. Also, two very different dates! You have NO idea. We are just getting started!!

Stay tuned to find out more movies I never got to finish,



Jumping Off the Deep End

This meme is in jest. Because, seriously, A Star is Born wrecked me emotionally. I never saw nor knew anything about the other versions except, “Wasn’t that a movie with Kris Kristofferson?” And while I love Gaga AND Bradley Cooper (Alias Alum, hello?!) I had not a lot of interest in seeing this movie. But a friend of mine wanted to see it, so there I was. And I was NOT prepared for the overwhelming emotions (see: sobbing. And for the record, I am not a huge crier at movies. Movies are fake.) I was going to experience. And not just me, even. I think my whole row was also crying, one woman I did not know, three seats down, sounded like I felt inside…loud, uncontrollable heaving type sobbing. I hate to reuse the word ‘sobbing’ again because there are so many impeccable words in my language, but it’s what it was. I had napkins and tissues, some already used, strewn about my lap and purse. Alternating between stuffing them under my eyes as tears gushed down my face (farewell decent makeup job). And just covering my whole entire face, blocking the screen as if it were a horror movie. My whole body jerked as I sat there, knowing full fucking well that THAT is Lady Gaga (pointing) and HE is Bradley Cooper (points over there) and they are not Ally and Jackson, so why the fuck am I crying like this? Because life. Life is hard for some people. I know because it’s been hard for me sometimes, okay, a lot. And seeing Jackson close that garage door fucking stabbed me right in the heart. I cry now just writing about it.

(Spoilers, like Winter, is coming)

If you are #depressed and have struggled with thoughts of #suicide at any point in your life, this movie may #trigger you. I realized it had nothing to do with Bradley or Jackson. The metaphor, purposeful or not, was perfect: Jackson shuts out the world because the pain and suffering was too much to LIVE WITH anymore. And what he did inside, unfathomable to most, is what made the most sense to him. To end that pain. His life. While Charlie (Bradley’s actual dog IRL, unrelated to the heavy topic) cluelessly yet lovingly waits for him right on the other side of that garage door. Like his fans. They love him, but they don’t know him at all. And all the love in the world, even from those you do know (wife, brother) can’t grab that belt out of your hands when the time comes. So, yeah I cried because I have proverbially been inside that garage. And it’s really fucked up. And it’s scary. And it physically hurts, not just mentally and emotionally. Nothing to be proud of, but you wouldn’t believe the bravery it takes to fall into the unknown. Knowing only that anything, everything is better than this this.

Otherwise, the movie was okay, I guess.


P.S. Here is the real fucking moment/meme. A moment everyone should experience at least once in their life because it feels really fucking good when the guy you like makes you feel special. It also helps if he is a super famous rich singer too.