JMo Rant: Is This TV or TMI?

I was watching that stupid Quit-Smoking-Gum commercial and when the guys says, “15 days…but not in a row.” And I literally blurted out, “Guy! Who gives a shit? Fucking congratulations for quitting a habit that is literally killing you.  And I’m literally using the actual term of “literally” correctly. I could not care less that you’ve not smoked for 15 days. But not in a row.”

And then I thought, why is this guy so fucking smug? So it’s like cool to fall of the wagon but still get credit for 15 days? No. You see, no one at AA get a chip for 6 months…but you know…not in a row. There was two months in 2010. 2011 was bad. Then 3 months in 2012….

Yeah, no.  Dude, here’s how you quit smoking:   Stop buying cigarettes. And then lighting them and smoking them.

I’m honestly not trying to shit on those trying to quit smoking.  I guess I’m just thinking – I don’t give a flying fuck.  And while we’re at it, I don’t care about your ailment or disease or misfortune either!!

Why am I forced to watch/listen to uncomfortable commercials about erectile dysfunction, dandruff, overactive bladder, incontinence, diarrhea, constipation, disgusting mucus, erections lasting for 7 hours; see a professional, the sad cloud that follows you around, the wellness spa you should go to because 12 step programs don’t work for you, tampons, cramps, hemorrhoids – whatever it is… I don’t care. I really really don’t. Go away.

The pharma commercials crack me up the most….because I don’t go to the doctor and say “Hey, can I get Trademarked-Brand-Name-Drug from you today?”

No, my doctor sends a script to CVS and then some dude that looks like Red Swingline Guy fills it, and probably automatically uses generic to save me money anyway.  Guess what? I have a prescription for Paxil, but I’ve been taking Paroxetine for years!

Thanks for letting me rant,

xojmo

The Year of Living Dangerously…Social

I don’t know about you, but I get a bunch of those daily email deals from Groupon and Living Social and Amazon Local.  There are some I don’t bother ordering from anymore because they were dicks! I won’t even mention them here. But..if you don’t see their name, it was probably them.

I’ve decided to take advantage of those deals this year! Already I’ve signed up for an online course to learn photography with my new digital camera.  Because right now I only know how to zoom in/out and turn the flash on/off.   I’m guessing these new fangled cameras do a lot of cool stuff.  If I learn two things, I’ll be pretty jazzed!

So there’s that! Oh and I also signed up for a class to learn how to fly for free. Oh you KNOW I’ll let you all know how it goes!!

Unrelated to those deals…I picked up a beginners kit on how to knit at Barnes and Noble.  I know how to crochet, kind of. I mean, I never really got past the single stitch but whatever. Now…I must learn how to knit!

I was trying to think up other things  I would like to do/learn this year:

  • Sew – No, I don’t know how to sew. So….shut up.
  • Sky dive
  • Go to Denver. For the…..antiques. Yeah that’s it
  • Read more
  • Watch “Say Anything” for the first time

NO, I’ve never seen “Say Anything.” No, I’m not lying. And no, I’m not kidding you.  In fact, I’ve been watching a lot of movies recently where I’m like, “Hmm, I totally thought I saw this but NONE of this looks familiar….”

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it.

Nope. No idea. I guess I need to see it to get it.

So there you have it… this year JMo will be going to Paint Night, and wine tastings and taking online classes to learn origami.  Who knows?! The sky is the limit…..Literally!!!!  Let me know if you see anything funky, ok?

Happy New Year, peeps!

xojmo

The War on Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I only believe in family on the fourth Thursday of November.

I live in a state where it is the law that stores cannot open on Thanksgiving.  So I’m used to not being able to shop.

And by the looks of all the angry folks on Facebook and Twitter, NO ONE likes the idea of Thanksgiving Day shopping.  How dare you? Making families separate on Thanksgiving? For some single parents it’s the only time they will actually be home with their children?!

Wait, what? Really?  Then we all need as a country to have a discussion about that. Because I WANT people to be home with their kids and families, if that is what they want. And a single mom working so much that she doesn’t get to watch her kids grow up….that’s proof that people NEED to be paid a living wage.  Everyone wants to enjoy holidays. But everyone also wants to enjoy Saturdays and Sundays, too.  No one balks at those that work at the mall, grocery store, hotel, Disneyland, museums full of snot-nosed kids on our two days off from work – IN A ROW.  While the regular (and extremely lucky) 9-5’ers stroll amongst the beggars, trying to decide where to spend our booty.  Come now, fetch me this shoe in my size!! Now excuse me while I go home and take a nap while you still have 5 hours left on your shift.

The moment you guys let them open stores on Sundays (ONE day of rest, no more) you left the door ajar for Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is nothing more than a glorified Sunday.  There is nothing holy about this holiday. In fact, the more you learn about the pilgrims and the Indians, you sort of wonder why we really “celebrate” this anymore.

Listen, those of us with big, close families (especially Italians) do a big meal/get together every Sunday.

Overheard at Italian households yesterday: “Hey didn’t we just do this?”

“Nah. We had lasagna on Sunday. Today we have Turkey. AND both days have football.”

So big fucking deal.  KMart wants to open on Thanksgiving. LET them.  I’m no less a prick on Thanksgiving as I am on a weekend.  If I expect to shop on a day I’m not working – then guess what? I’m never working on the fourth Thursday of every November. Expect me around 3pm.

The thing that sucks the most though: The peons that have to work because their rich bosses are huge pricks.  Hey, come in at 1am. But at least you didn’t have to work on Thanksgiving.

Yeah but I ate Turkey all day. And yeah, drank a little. And instead of getting a good night’s sleep…I gotta drag my ass in here so some asshole can buy a tablet for $99.

And maybe there are some cashiers that would rather work 6-12 on Thanksgiving. And then go home and get to sleep in on Friday.  I respect that.

But I would very much like people to stop acting like Thanksgiving is some sort of holy holiday. It’s a made up holiday by Butterball and Stove Top. Just like how Hallmark made up Valentine’s Day. Stores are open on Valentine’s Day, right?

Get a grip,

xojmo

What’s That Smell?

When I was in second grade, my grandmother died.  I remember riding to the funeral in a limo; my first time in such a vehicle. But this limo’s windows weren’t tinted.  I stared out at the North End neighborhood, listening to my mother sobbing near by.

I remember family members saying “I hope you remember her.”  Um, why wouldn’t I?  Hello! Grandma was awesome and loved me and took care of me. Duh.

As an adult, I can see why they would worry. Kids tend to forget stuff. Heck we all do… after a few decades right?

I never forgot her.  In fact, she always wore the same perfume.  They sell it now at Sears and Walgreens. It’s not a very popular brand anymore.  But whenever I come across a bottle (you see, I never seek it out)… I smell it and think of her.

I’ve never bought a bottle.  I used to think, “Well that’s a smell for an older lady. Maybe one day when I’m older, I will wear it.”

And when that days comes, I will buy the perfume.

But last night I had this terrible thought…What if they stop making that perfume? And one day when I actually want to go smell it to think of my grandmother… it’s gone?

That scared the hell out of me. So I vowed to buy it. I have to get my hands on a bottle as soon as possible.  That smell is the one thing that can bring me back. All the great memories.  I’m actually a little disappointed in myself that I didn’t already buy it. But the idea of it never being available to buy or smell ever again? Not okay.  Better add it to my shopping list!

Love (and miss) you Lena!!

xojmo

Holy Shit, Rolling Stone is Still Around?

A couple of days ago I had read that Dzhohkar Tsarnaev was going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone.  I paused.  Then I went on with my life.  Then I saw the picture.  I paused again.  And again, I paid it no mind and I went on with my life.

The cover of Rolling Stone neither angered me nor surprised me.  It is cheap publicity.  That’s all it is.  This is not the first time I have seen cheap publicity.  And I’m quite sure it will not be the last.

Oh, don’t know who Dzhokar is? No, it’s not that hairdresser movie with Adam Sandler.  He’s one of the men who detonated bombs at the finish line of The Boston Marathon.  The other man, his brother…died in a shoot out with police.

So that leaves the younger brother. Alive. In custody, of course. Awaiting a federal trial.

I grew up in Boston. Yes, Boston.  The city. And no, I didn’t grow up in some hell hole like Revere and then tell people I grew up in Boston.  Born and raised, baby.  Even educated at a Boston Public School.

Ok, so I get the outrage that has exploded since the news hit. BUT what I don’t get….are the retail stores that are refusing to sell this particular issue of Rolling Stone.

Excuse me? What?

I will make up my mind as to what I want to spend my money on. And for all you know, I was dying to read that article about Willie Nelson, thank you very much.

What I wouldn't give for one night on a tour bus with Willie Nelson!

What I wouldn’t give for one night on a tour bus with Willie Nelson!

Rolling Stone has the right, believe it or not, to put him on the cover.  And we have right to look right past it at the check out counter.  But let’s be honest…when was the last time Rolling Stone magazine was even at the check out counter? Um, never. At least not at CVS, one of the retailers who have decided not carry this issue.  It’ll be lost in the magazine rack you never look at it while you pass by on your way to get your herpes medication from the pharmacy.

Tell me…who has graced the cover of Rolling Stone on the last five issues?  Off the top of your head…go on.

Yeah, I have no idea either.

But if Ice-T can grace the cover dressed as a police officer AFTER “singing” a song called “Cop Killer” AND Kanye West can adorn the thorny crown of Jesus Christ on another..?. Well guess what…

As far as I’m concerned….The Bomber stays.

How many police officers have been killed? A lot right?  So are their grieving families less important because they didn’t shit a proverbial brick when Rolling Stone came out with that Ice-T cover??

I’m going to say something that is bad…I know it’s bad…and I’m going to say it anyway.

Tsarnaev has been labeled a terrorist, and rightly so.  Many people were injured and three people died.

Three.

People have said that because he is a terrorist he should not be on the cover of a magazine. O rly?

More than three, right?

More than three, right?

So maybe, just maybe…if Rolling Stone put cross  hairs in front of Tsarnaev’s face? That would’ve been okay? Decry “Public Enemy #1 – Let’s Rolling Stone him!”  That okay?

I will tell you what is the real bother: Tsarnaev is good-looking.  There. I said it.

Plain and simple.  And his cover boy good-looks fucking irks everyone.

God forbid a journalist for the irrelevant magazine Rolling Stone (honestly, when Rolling Stone put *nSync on the Cover like 15 years ago…they became irrelevant) actually wanted to write a relevant piece.  He interviewed people. And wrote a news article.

Ever think to actually read it?

GASP!!

What??????

READ a story on that terrorist who killed three people???  Blaspheme!  You want me to learn something about him before he became a terrorist?!

I’m right back to how I felt the other day: indifferent.  It’s tasteless, and pretty thoughtless. But guess what?

There are 49 other states besides Massachusetts.  And maybe his boyish good looks will make someone pick up the magazine, and maybe after they read it, some bumpkin in Idaho will get a better sense as to why and how Tsarnaev became a radical Muslim.

Plus, if I gotta get political…you should boycott Macy’s…they sold the damn pressure cooker to them! They built a bomb out of it.

Dear CVS: Stick to selling condoms and candy.  We’re all adults here and we can make our own decisions, k? If you take a stand on this, then you gotta keep making stands, and eventually…you won’t be selling anything.

All, please go get angry over other things…like men who keep women chained up in his basement for years, or factory workers killing themselves because their working conditions are unbearable (oh and those factory workers are building that nice iPhone you got there). Oh or maybe how the government is spying on all of us! Except really not doing a good job since men are bombing the marathon and keeping women chained in their basement to rape for their amusement.

GO GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN A MAGAZINE AND A PICTURE ON A PIECE OF PAPER.

No one is building a monument in his honor. It’s just a picture. Can’t we all just agree to secretly go draw dicks and jizz near his mouth when we see it in stores? That’s what I was planning on doing and now I’m not going to be able to find this magazine anywhere!!!

Got my Sharpie ready,

xojmo

Hand Jive

On my way home from work I had the window open and the music blaring.  It was great. And then I thought:

I think I’m going to use hand signals instead of my blinkers.

So yup…it’s the Summer of Hand Signals, people!!  Left, right and stop! All with my body!

And why not? So many fucknuts don’t use their blinkers at all.  At least they are getting a direction from me, albeit with my arm.

Also (and this is a complete departure from what I was just talking about), if you tell me gossip and say “Don’t tell anyone, ok?” and I answer “sure ok, of course not” AND I don’t like you…

Yeah, that “sure ok” is null and void.  The minute you walk away I’m emailing and texting your shit across the interwebz. Sorry. If you are too dumb to NOT know I don’t like you…then your dumb gossip is just that…. gossip … I’m going to share.

Now if I like you, we’re good. No worries. Your secret is safe with me.

Shhhh,

xojmo

Tell Me if I’m Wrong Please

I like a ton of Disney related pages on Facebook.  But God fucking forbid if you say anything that remotely ruffles someone’s feathers.  I got removed from a page (including what I wrote, which I will share in a minute) and I’m like WTF did I do??

Weirdo.

So the page on Facebook is Everything Walt Disney World. Now, like I said, my comments are gone, but the page’s founder, Ms. Christina Feels Wood, wait sorry, Freels Wood.  Not Feels Wood.   That would be FUN.  Feeling wood.  And by “wood” I mean a boner.  Not a tree trunk.  Since she is such a priss, she may not understand that “wood” is jargon for a hard-on.  You know, a penis that’s erect?

Ok so she wrote:

Just saw Monster’s University with my three children. I’m not a huge fan of kids movies. I love the princess movies and Cars, but this one didn’t really interest me. I’m happy to say that it was super cute and funny. I loved the entire thing. If you’re on the fence, it’s definitely a cute movie to see over the upcoming holiday weekend.

Now, there is no proof of what I wrote because it was removed.  But I will tell you. And you can either believe me or not. But I think I had a good point.

 

JMo: You’re not a huge fan of kids movies but you have a Facebook page called Everything Walt Disney World?

 

Christina Freels Wood: Jennifer Morrissey, I think you can like Disney without being a huge fan of movies. Peter Pan is charming, but it’s not a movie I would seek out on my own.

JMo:  They don’t make movies like Peter Pan anymore!  I just don’t understand how you like Disney and the parks and not like the movies since a majority of the attractions are based on their own movies, especially movies made for children.
And that’s when I got kicked off.
That lady got her moist, woodless panties in a twist, that Feels No Wood, she did!
In all seriousness though…am I wrong?  “I think you can like Disney without being a huge fan of the movies?????”
Let’s make a list of some of the attractions based on movies,  shall we?
1. Alice in Wonderland,  based on Alice in Wonderland – Disneyland
2. Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters, based on the movie Toy Story 2 – found in multiple Disney parks
3. Casey Jr.’s Circus Train, based on the movie Dumbo – Disneyland
4. Circle of Life: And Environmental Fable,  based on the movie The Lion King – Epcot
5. Dumbo the Flying Elephant, based on the movie Dumbo – multiple parks
6. Dinosaur, formerly Countdown to Extinction, based on the movie Dinosaur – Animal Kingdom
7. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage, based on the movie Finding Nemo – Disneyland
8. It’s Tough to be a Bug, based on the movie A Bug’s Life – Animal Kingdom
9.  Mad Tea Party, based on the movie Alice in Wonderland – multiple parks
10. Magic Carpet Ride, based on the movie Aladdin – Magic Kingdom
I literally could go on and on…Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor, Peter Pan’s Flight, Pinocchio’s Daring Journey, Splash Mountain, Ariel’s Undersea Adventure, Toy Story Midway Mania.  Oh yeah and a whole LAND based on Cars, the only non-Princess movie that satisfied you.
Maybe I’m wrong…but what part(s) of Disney/Everything Walt Disney World are you a fan of if not the movies?  Is it ABC? ABC Family? ESPN? Walt’s frozen body?
So, thanks for deleting me. You clearly did a bad job if you deleted me but then kept in your cryptic message about ME.  I would like to mention that people LIKED my comment because it’s made a whole lot of sense!!
And CARS? YOU LIKED THE MOVIE  “CARS”?  Who liked that movie besides 5-year-old boys? Monsters University was 5,000,000 times better than CARS.
So, I visited her blog (you can go find it if you want, I don’t want to give the satisfaction of giving a link here) and most of the stories are about food. Ah, okay, so Everything you love about Walt Disney World is the food. Got it.  Hey guess what? Disney made a movie about that too; it was called Ratatouille!! You probably hated that too because there wasn’t a tow truck sitting on a toilet in that one.
How many other Facebook pages can I get kicked off of because I innocently ask a question and then follow up with a sound argument?
xojmo

Something’s Happening Here…

What it is… is called Climate Change.

Look, I’m not a scientist (hard to believe,  I know) but the weather has been so wonky over the past few years.

Today there are tornado warnings for Massachusetts.   Tornadoes?  I’m sorry, when did I move to Kansas?

New England is cool because the only natural disaster you gotta put up with are blizzards.  And those were few and far between.  There was the Blizzard of ’78 that everyone around here waxed poetic about.

Growing up, I remember the two hurricanes: Gloria in 1985 and Bob in 1991.  That’s it. Nothing exciting.

Then Hurricane Andrew happened in Florida in 1992 and everything changed I feel like.

All of a sudden, hurricanes became something to be feared.   But then of course Katrina happened many years later and all hell broke loose.   Sandy decided to get in on the fun and did her own damage.

Last year, we barely had a winter, and this past year we got hit with a shit ton of snow including another blizzard.  Now we are getting tornadoes.

Some states are on fire. There are places where records are being broken as the hottest day in history.  And let’s not forget about Snowpocalypse not that long ago.

Remember when hair spray switched from aerosol to pump spray?  Back then it was all….this is killing the environment! Wait 25 years and see what it’s all like.

Now, I’m not blaming Climate Change on Aqua-Net.  But I am saying… WAKE UP PEOPLE.  Think back to 25 years ago… Was there weather like this?

Nope. There wasn’t.  SOMETHING has changed.

I just think that we should leave the climate and the weather to the people who study it and know it well.  And not expect our elected officials to know anything about it. Christ, they don’t even know that a woman can get pregnant through a violent rape!!

Beware,

xojmo

I Do Not Have Time For…

liberry

I do not have time for anyone who cannot pronounce the following words:

Library

Illinois

(and oddly enough)

Bertucci’s

Listen, I hate to break it to you, but if you are in the group of people who cannot pronounce these words, then you are about as popular as anyone who still sucks their thumb after the age  of 5.

5 was being generous,

xojmo