FFTD – wyd rn

A big part of a dating app is communication. And I have no idea how to communicate with anyone anymore.

In this day and age, we have the EASIEST ways EVER to let someone down OR ask/tell them something you don’t have the confidence to say face to face, or even over the phone.

No one calls anybody anymore. Which…fine. I have a computer in my pocket where you can send me quick bursts of messages. No email. No phone call. No fax. No carrier pigeon. Literally, a tiny keyboard on my phone, let’s me communicate with someone else with words, or emojis, or pictures or videos. It’s amazing.

And completely impersonal.

You know for an app that is widely known as a Hook Up App, Tinder is a an otherwise terrible place to find people who know how to communicate with each other.

As an English major (and the product of my 11th grade Honors English teacher, Ms. Prince), I came to appreciate the English language. There are so many different words! Some are even dying out! Let’s bring them back!!

But how? God forbid I type in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation in a text!! It makes me come across as overbearing and way too serious.

So, if I wanted to explore the dating jungle, I had to learn the mating calls, as well as a whole new language.

I will now share with you, my readers.

Can’t just say “hi” or “hey.” Must add extra letters for no explicable reason. Such as, but not limited to: Hiiii, Heyyyy and

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As well as

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The reason I absolutely don’t get the extra letters AT ALL is because of all the fucking abbreviations I have to figure out on my own!  Sometimes I have to ask!! And remember what I said earlier – Can’t be using correct grammar and spelling and all that shit. Gotta play it kewl (cool: which is the same amount of letters, yet…spelling. *sobs*)

I thought I knew all the hip lingo of the young people: lit, LOL, yolo, a/s/l, groovy, NSFW, etc. But right away I was in for a whole new experience. Gotta learn on your feet. My high school German teacher moved to Germany and learned German by getting a job in the local supermarket. If Frau DeLosh could submerge herself in that culture and thrive, surely I can throw myself into this hip, new language and live to tell about it. Language, after all, is important because it’s how we communicate with one another.

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Oh boy. (#OhBoy on Twitter)

I remember the first word I learned in German. Der Apfel. You see, each noun has its own gender: female, male or neutral. Apples are male. This isn’t relevant, but holy hell, hbu wyd?? At least Apfel kind of looks like Apple. Sounds similar. Easy first lesson. Tinder wasn’t being kind on this newbie.

Can we first start with the fact that those letters each symbolize a word? Ok. But then again, hbu… “how About you” gets even more dumbed down to “how bout u.” “How boot u, eh” if you are Canadian.

Can you see how language is dying right before our eyes?

Ok, let’s move on to next abbreviation: wyd. What are you doing? what you doing.

Regardless of what it means, when my brain SEES ‘wyd’ it only wants to HEAR this, which is the commercial that came out after this one (both classics), and also this (Phineas and Ferb fans know the struggle).

Let’s not forget about ‘wbu’ and the puzzling ‘wru.’

What about you? what bout u.

For the life of me, and without any context clues at all, I got a ‘wru’ message. And I assumed the W was what… What you doing? What about you? what rigatoni u.

WHERE ARE YOU? I had no idea that wru took the place of “Where do you live?”

The tiny but powerful ‘af’ and helpful ‘rn’. As in, “Im hornyyy af rn”

(Have I mentioned that apostrophes and contractions should be kissed goodbye? I truly believe that if I polled 1,000 people between the ages of 20-35, none of them would know the different between “Its” and “It’s” and when it’s appropriate to use one over the other.)

“I am horny as fuck right now!” The swan song of Tinder! I’m not sure how I would explain “as fuck” to aliens just learning English.  “It’s like, ‘a lot.”

Alien: Why not just say ‘a lot?’

Me:

wonka

I gave up asking questions about all of this. Okayyyyyy?

 

BTW (by the way) yes, I know you are horny. You are a man with a penis. It’s a pretty famous theme, like, you guys have made pills for yourselves so that when you are old and your penis is LIMP, you can still get it up. Like, we get it. You are horny right now and all the time, Gollum.

Would you like to see a picture of this language being used in it’s natural habitat?

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A future FFTD!

“So you ain’t trynna…” or “You trynna”

Um, I’m not trying to do anything. If you ask me “You trynna to smoke” my answer is no, I’m not trying to. I’m actually doing do. Do or do not, dude. There is no try. Some smart guy named Hamlet said that a longgg time ago in a country far, far away.

“you trynna get laid”

I’m sorry, Are you talking to me? I am certainly NOT trying to get laid ….

by you.

I mean, why do all guys think I want to fuck them? They are not even tens. Listen, I’m not a ten, but when tens want to get with me, I take notice!! So maybe, sure, sleep with a Chris Evans type…or rather, trynnnna to get with Cap. Sure. But don’t assume I’m trynna to do anything…with you!

Except get high on your weed, drinks and nachos tbh (to by honest).

You feel me?

xojmo

 

 

 

Who Would Even Buy This??

Ok, I bought it. Or rather my sister did. While she was out on one of her many food shopping trips, she started texting me pictures of this crazy-ass stuff. And finally I was like “Can you buy those for me, because I need to blog about this.”

And here we are.  Bear with me okay, because this is a picture-heavy post. Which usually isn’t my style. But in order for you, the reader, to full experience this “crap”…I had to take a lot of pictures.

First up: Crazy Apple (www.crazyapples.com)

I love that their slogan is “Kids Love Them!” (actually in quotation marks)

Oh you’re not dreaming (or having a nightmare as it might be). That IS an apple in a package, and it IS bubble gum flavored. Supposedly. JMo will get to the bottom of this, don’t you worry.

“Ready-to-eat healthy snack”? You know what’s a ready-to-eat healthy snack? A fucking apple, that’s what.  100% Natural. Really? I’m no Bill Nye, but how is bubble gum flavor “natural”?

Also…the apple is wearing his hat sideways (which I guess means he’s cool to the kids?) and blowing a bubble. Get it? A bubble gum bubble. Which is the flavor of this apple. Hey, everyone, remember when apples were apple flavor? Not anymore!

(Unfortunately I cannot copy/paste from their website, but they “answer” the question on how bubble gum flavor can be “natural.”)

Clearly this is NOT geared toward my generation, so I grabbed my 10-year-old niece and said, unbiased, “Would you eat an apple that was bubble gum flavored?”

I was sure she was going to say “Yuck. Gross. No!” and dash out of the room crying her eyes out. But her answer was a resounding “Yes!! Can we eat it now?”

Natural Bubble Gum Flavorings from the Bubble Gum Plant

In case you were wondering about WW points

Ok. let’s cut this sucker up. I’m dying to taste this Bubble Gum Flavored (naturally) apple.

I specifically requested the apple slicer. Makes a more dramatic picture, no?

My reaction: I would NEVER guess in a million years it was supposed to be Bubble Gum flavor. All I kept thinking was “What’s wrong with this apple?” And “How exactly do they get the flavor INSIDE and not on the skin?” There were no visible puncture holes. So I’m perplexed.

Her reaction: Yummy! I love it! Can I eat it all? *skips off happily into the other room with bowl full of Crazy Apple slices*

NEXT!!

Ummm…..so Jell-O let’s their employees smoke weed at their desks? Cool!

Mixchief! Color Changing Pudding! Because my biggest complain about pudding has always been “Why won’t this shit change color?? Bullshit!”

So, that’s a chick. Who likes horny things. Lives in the basement of the “Jello Castle”??? And says completely sexist things that men think women would say! Puff Puff Pass!

Alrighty then. So…whenever I see a product that is trying to make something old, hip and new…I always picture the company’s board room…where they are pitching ideas. And seriously, I would’ve slapped this mope’s head if he brought up Heather who lives in Jell-O’s dungeon and makes pudding that changes color. “Really Randy? Go call up Heinz and ask them how well their green ketchup went over. You dipshit. You’re fired!”

But, what the fuck do I know? Randy obviously slept with the boss or everyone loved his idea. So here it is…Mixchief…the pudding that changes color. OR does it?

Don’t even think about using Soy milk, ya hippie!

I enthusiastically said (and made my leery niece say) “Presto Chango make my Jello!”  See what it says there….”Watch as it turns color?” Yeah well…the powder was green. And then you add milk (REAL MILK. Not Soy Milk!!) and it’s still green. Those fuckers LIE! It doesn’t change color. It’s green and it stays green. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

Green powder brings….

Green Pudding. Duh!!

Even bigger disappointment: It was vanilla pudding. And vanilla pudding has no taste. I’m strictly a chocolate pudding type of gal.

Conclusion: It’s green vanilla pudding. It never “changes” color. They lied. LIARS!!!

One last thing:

What if I liked my pudding foamy??

So that’s my hard-hitting news story about foods being geared toward your kids (God knows I don’t have any kids!). Next time you see something like this at your local grocery store, don’t buy it…instead tell JMo and I’ll go get it and try it. Gives me something to do!

Have you seen anything lately that made you go, “WHAT??”

xojmo