FFTD – wyd rn

A big part of a dating app is communication. And I have no idea how to communicate with anyone anymore.

In this day and age, we have the EASIEST ways EVER to let someone down OR ask/tell them something you don’t have the confidence to say face to face, or even over the phone.

No one calls anybody anymore. Which…fine. I have a computer in my pocket where you can send me quick bursts of messages. No email. No phone call. No fax. No carrier pigeon. Literally, a tiny keyboard on my phone, let’s me communicate with someone else with words, or emojis, or pictures or videos. It’s amazing.

And completely impersonal.

You know for an app that is widely known as a Hook Up App, Tinder is a an otherwise terrible place to find people who know how to communicate with each other.

As an English major (and the product of my 11th grade Honors English teacher, Ms. Prince), I came to appreciate the English language. There are so many different words! Some are even dying out! Let’s bring them back!!

But how? God forbid I type in full sentences with proper capitalization and punctuation in a text!! It makes me come across as overbearing and way too serious.

So, if I wanted to explore the dating jungle, I had to learn the mating calls, as well as a whole new language.

I will now share with you, my readers.

Can’t just say “hi” or “hey.” Must add extra letters for no explicable reason. Such as, but not limited to: Hiiii, Heyyyy and

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As well as

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The reason I absolutely don’t get the extra letters AT ALL is because of all the fucking abbreviations I have to figure out on my own!  Sometimes I have to ask!! And remember what I said earlier – Can’t be using correct grammar and spelling and all that shit. Gotta play it kewl (cool: which is the same amount of letters, yet…spelling. *sobs*)

I thought I knew all the hip lingo of the young people: lit, LOL, yolo, a/s/l, groovy, NSFW, etc. But right away I was in for a whole new experience. Gotta learn on your feet. My high school German teacher moved to Germany and learned German by getting a job in the local supermarket. If Frau DeLosh could submerge herself in that culture and thrive, surely I can throw myself into this hip, new language and live to tell about it. Language, after all, is important because it’s how we communicate with one another.

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Oh boy. (#OhBoy on Twitter)

I remember the first word I learned in German. Der Apfel. You see, each noun has its own gender: female, male or neutral. Apples are male. This isn’t relevant, but holy hell, hbu wyd?? At least Apfel kind of looks like Apple. Sounds similar. Easy first lesson. Tinder wasn’t being kind on this newbie.

Can we first start with the fact that those letters each symbolize a word? Ok. But then again, hbu… “how About you” gets even more dumbed down to “how bout u.” “How boot u, eh” if you are Canadian.

Can you see how language is dying right before our eyes?

Ok, let’s move on to next abbreviation: wyd. What are you doing? what you doing.

Regardless of what it means, when my brain SEES ‘wyd’ it only wants to HEAR this, which is the commercial that came out after this one (both classics), and also this (Phineas and Ferb fans know the struggle).

Let’s not forget about ‘wbu’ and the puzzling ‘wru.’

What about you? what bout u.

For the life of me, and without any context clues at all, I got a ‘wru’ message. And I assumed the W was what… What you doing? What about you? what rigatoni u.

WHERE ARE YOU? I had no idea that wru took the place of “Where do you live?”

The tiny but powerful ‘af’ and helpful ‘rn’. As in, “Im hornyyy af rn”

(Have I mentioned that apostrophes and contractions should be kissed goodbye? I truly believe that if I polled 1,000 people between the ages of 20-35, none of them would know the different between “Its” and “It’s” and when it’s appropriate to use one over the other.)

“I am horny as fuck right now!” The swan song of Tinder! I’m not sure how I would explain “as fuck” to aliens just learning English.  “It’s like, ‘a lot.”

Alien: Why not just say ‘a lot?’

Me:

wonka

I gave up asking questions about all of this. Okayyyyyy?

 

BTW (by the way) yes, I know you are horny. You are a man with a penis. It’s a pretty famous theme, like, you guys have made pills for yourselves so that when you are old and your penis is LIMP, you can still get it up. Like, we get it. You are horny right now and all the time, Gollum.

Would you like to see a picture of this language being used in it’s natural habitat?

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A future FFTD!

“So you ain’t trynna…” or “You trynna”

Um, I’m not trying to do anything. If you ask me “You trynna to smoke” my answer is no, I’m not trying to. I’m actually doing do. Do or do not, dude. There is no try. Some smart guy named Hamlet said that a longgg time ago in a country far, far away.

“you trynna get laid”

I’m sorry, Are you talking to me? I am certainly NOT trying to get laid ….

by you.

I mean, why do all guys think I want to fuck them? They are not even tens. Listen, I’m not a ten, but when tens want to get with me, I take notice!! So maybe, sure, sleep with a Chris Evans type…or rather, trynnnna to get with Cap. Sure. But don’t assume I’m trynna to do anything…with you!

Except get high on your weed, drinks and nachos tbh (to by honest).

You feel me?

xojmo

 

 

 

FFTD – The Prelude

Before I start my “Fifty First Tinder Dates” journey, I wanted to lay down some rules.

  1. Names may or may not be changed to protect the “innocent.” I mean, how will you know if his name is really Steve or not?
  2. These dates may have not been “recent” meaning if I post something it doesn’t mean it happened last night or in the past week.
  3. I’m still working out a format I want to use. Until then, it’s going to be a bit bumpy. Give me a minute to figure out the flow.
  4. Yes, I will be shortening it to FFTD as well as use my Twitter (@xojmo) account to throw out little random things that have to do with all of my Tinder dates. Please check out #FFTD if you are on the Tweets.
  5. I never said these dates are going to be exciting. So if it’s lame, don’t complain.
  6. Also, maybe I’ll write about dates that weren’t the FIRST date. I get ghosted and more even if it’s a second or third date. So I feel like those are apropos.
  7. Here are my dating rules: I do not invite strangers into my home. I like to meet in public OR at his place. I am safe. Or at least try to be. But things happen. But yeah I don’t want people here. First, I think it’s lazy for the guy to just come by. Like, stop. At least take me out. OR cook me dinner at your house. Anything. I’m here at my place all the time and I’m looking to get the hell out of here. Second, I can guarantee you that if I actually did invite people over here – it would be like a deli counter with numbers at the  market: I’d be busy. Especially since a lot of dudes I “date” are younger than me. And they still  live at home. And NO they aren’t 19 – they can legit be 28 and they still live at home. Third, some don’t even want to buy me a drink (hey, Joey!) so I don’t bother meeting up with them. So I talk to a lot of guys on Tinder/Text/Snap (I don’t send nudes. FYI) but it never really comes to fruition. I can write about all of that too. Let me know what you want to know. I have no problem sharing.
  8. Last, I have no idea what I’m doing. But let’s start the ride, shall we?

xojmo

Fifty First Tinder Dates

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I'm on fire.

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I’m on fire.

Last July I joined Tinder for one week. Then I joined Bumble for like ten months, and now I’m back to Tinder. I’ve found that most men are on all of the dating sites, however, I’ve found there is a larger selection of NON-white guys on Tinder.

You see, I’ve only dated white guys my whole life! Not on purpose. I swear! Seems just like white guys, black and Latino guys don’t find me attractive either! Sweet! Kidding, but not really. One black guy at my reunion thought we dated, and I was like “I think I would remember that.” But didn’t say why. But yeah, I think I would’ve remembered THAT!

This year, I’ve gone out with a black guy. AND an Asian guy. Both cuties, but… ehhhh. I’m still looking! Let’s say that! (For the record, if I had to pick something besides white, I’m going with Asian. That surprises people. Does it surprise you? Why or Why not?)

But it’s the bad dates (with normal creepy white guys) that keep happening. And I thought, why don’t I write about these (terrible) dates? I mean, I’m looking for content for my blog anyway. And I usually just end up sharing it with friends or Twitter anyway. (Usually Twitter. I have no friends). So why not share it here?

Let me give you some background: I am a cougar NOT a milf.  I don’t have kids. Therefore…well, you get it. (And if you don’t know what a “milf” is, you should watch American Pie.) I tend to date younger men mostly because this is what I’ve realized about all men: They are immature jerks at any age. So, why not date the younger, hotter model with hair? PLUS the ugly duckling me of my late teens and twenties LOVES that my old ass milkshake brings all the jocks to the yard. They have a cougar/milf fantasy – and I’m more than happy to oblige. Whilst I can! I’m not gonna lie! Plus there are a lot of semi-professional athletes out there that need love too!

To be fair, I’ve matched with men my age and older. Some have asked me out on dates. Not all. Some don’t answer me at all. So, yeah. I would love to meet some rich CEO and call it a day, but nah….the only ones who gush over me are like 25. And I DO love being called “Gorgeous” (because I’m NOT). As long as they are at least 21, I’m good. (And shut up to those who disapprove. Dennis Quaid, the actor, is dating someone like 40 years younger than him!)

Oh and a huge BY THE WAY – if you have a son who is in his 20’s – he’s in his room right now, jerking off on Snapchat to whoever will watch. I’m not lying. I wish I were. Seriously. He’s doing that … right now. And I probably watched. Only out of sheer curiosity however. Or he’s bringing his phone in the shower. Which I also don’t understand. I’m so happy I don’t have kids, because I would take Junior JMo by the ear and say “Don’t you dare show your private parts to strangers on the interwebz!!”

OH, AND some of these dudes have hooked up with their friends’ moms!!!! I’ve heard some good stories. I mean, I’m mortified but also very interested in people’s secrets. I always ask, Does your friend know? And the answer has been, NO. So, there’s something else to think about. If you are a young man with a hot friend, he probably banged your mom one afternoon. Seriously. Your mother banged your friend, Joey, like a screen door in a hurricane. (High five to Mom though!!! You go girl!)

(It’s been so long since I’ve blogged, I can’t figure out how to do Spell Check on here anymore. That’s kinda lame. I feel old. Have I mentioned my knees make noise going up stairs? Sigh. No spell check. Sorry folks!)

Stay tuned, I guess. And if I cross your path on Tinderverse, don’t cross me, or else you will find your picture on here with a scathing Yelp like review!

In other news, the Jonas Brothers are back!!

xojmo

P.S. Do these letters look tiny to you? It looks like a pain in the ass to read. Sorry about that.