Jumping Off the Deep End

This meme is in jest. Because, seriously, A Star is Born wrecked me emotionally. I never saw nor knew anything about the other versions except, “Wasn’t that a movie with Kris Kristofferson?” And while I love Gaga AND Bradley Cooper (Alias Alum, hello?!) I had not a lot of interest in seeing this movie. But a friend of mine wanted to see it, so there I was. And I was NOT prepared for the overwhelming emotions (see: sobbing. And for the record, I am not a huge crier at movies. Movies are fake.) I was going to experience. And not just me, even. I think my whole row was also crying, one woman I did not know, three seats down, sounded like I felt inside…loud, uncontrollable heaving type sobbing. I hate to reuse the word ‘sobbing’ again because there are so many impeccable words in my language, but it’s what it was. I had napkins and tissues, some already used, strewn about my lap and purse. Alternating between stuffing them under my eyes as tears gushed down my face (farewell decent makeup job). And just covering my whole entire face, blocking the screen as if it were a horror movie. My whole body jerked as I sat there, knowing full fucking well that THAT is Lady Gaga (pointing) and HE is Bradley Cooper (points over there) and they are not Ally and Jackson, so why the fuck am I crying like this? Because life. Life is hard for some people. I know because it’s been hard for me sometimes, okay, a lot. And seeing Jackson close that garage door fucking stabbed me right in the heart. I cry now just writing about it.

(Spoilers, like Winter, is coming)

If you are #depressed and have struggled with thoughts of #suicide at any point in your life, this movie may #trigger you. I realized it had nothing to do with Bradley or Jackson. The metaphor, purposeful or not, was perfect: Jackson shuts out the world because the pain and suffering was too much to LIVE WITH anymore. And what he did inside, unfathomable to most, is what made the most sense to him. To end that pain. His life. While Charlie (Bradley’s actual dog IRL, unrelated to the heavy topic) cluelessly yet lovingly waits for him right on the other side of that garage door. Like his fans. They love him, but they don’t know him at all. And all the love in the world, even from those you do know (wife, brother) can’t grab that belt out of your hands when the time comes. So, yeah I cried because I have proverbially been inside that garage. And it’s really fucked up. And it’s scary. And it physically hurts, not just mentally and emotionally. Nothing to be proud of, but you wouldn’t believe the bravery it takes to fall into the unknown. Knowing only that anything, everything is better than this this.

Otherwise, the movie was okay, I guess.


P.S. Here is the real fucking moment/meme. A moment everyone should experience at least once in their life because it feels really fucking good when the guy you like makes you feel special. It also helps if he is a super famous rich singer too.

Writer’s Block

Admittedly, my last post was a huge bummer. But I’ve moved on (For now. Duh, you guys. I’ll rain on my own parade soon enough. Chillax!) and recently read something about happiness positivity blah blah blah … Every night before bed, write down three good things that happened to/for you that day. 

And I thought, that sounds incredibly easy, which is right up my alley AND it couldn’t hurt, right? 

I could use a whole bunch of positivity in my life, and perhaps if I simply ponder about all the good things that happen to me throughout my day, and to choose just three… How will I choose just 3?!

You guys know me. I’m honest. And I can honestly tell you that I can’t even conjur up more than one. Yes, one actual good thing happened to me today. Someone I care about asked me to dinner. It was a nice surprise at the end the day. 

But other than that, nothing. 

The bad stuff, sure. 

It’s six days into June and it was 48 degrees. I don’t live in Alaska. 

It was both rainy and windy. 

I walked three blocks in the cold, windy rain to Au Bon Pain to get their specific Southwest Chicken Salad. 

There were none in the pre-made refrigerated case, but there was a sign that said all salads can be custom made at the counter. 

I got in line behind one woman with three small children crawling all over her. This woman never stopped ordering food. I’m not joking. I waited a long time for having been the second person in line. 

When it was my turn to order, I ordered the Southwest Chicken Salad which is on the menu. And the sign in the refrigerated case said they could make salads at the counter. 

The employee told me they didn’t have anymore. 

I gently referred to the sign in the refrigerated case. 
And the employee told me, “The girl who makes the salads left for the day.” It was 2:00pm. 

I left the Au Bon Pain and walked three blocks back to work in the cold, windy rain.

What about any of that is remotely positive?! 

I know!!

I walked six blocks today, y’all!

Thanks for reading! Isn’t “Block” a weird word the longer you look at it? I wish I could’ve named this blog “Writer’s Cock Block” but it really makes no sense. Can you go follow me on Twitter? That could be the third good thing: more Followers.