FFTD – The Prelude

Before I start my “Fifty First Tinder Dates” journey, I wanted to lay down some rules.

  1. Names may or may not be changed to protect the “innocent.” I mean, how will you know if his name is really Steve or not?
  2. These dates may have not been “recent” meaning if I post something it doesn’t mean it happened last night or in the past week.
  3. I’m still working out a format I want to use. Until then, it’s going to be a bit bumpy. Give me a minute to figure out the flow.
  4. Yes, I will be shortening it to FFTD as well as use my Twitter (@xojmo) account to throw out little random things that have to do with all of my Tinder dates. Please check out #FFTD if you are on the Tweets.
  5. I never said these dates are going to be exciting. So if it’s lame, don’t complain.
  6. Also, maybe I’ll write about dates that weren’t the FIRST date. I get ghosted and more even if it’s a second or third date. So I feel like those are apropos.
  7. Here are my dating rules: I do not invite strangers into my home. I like to meet in public OR at his place. I am safe. Or at least try to be. But things happen. But yeah I don’t want people here. First, I think it’s lazy for the guy to just come by. Like, stop. At least take me out. OR cook me dinner at your house. Anything. I’m here at my place all the time and I’m looking to get the hell out of here. Second, I can guarantee you that if I actually did invite people over here – it would be like a deli counter with numbers at the  market: I’d be busy. Especially since a lot of dudes I “date” are younger than me. And they still  live at home. And NO they aren’t 19 – they can legit be 28 and they still live at home. Third, some don’t even want to buy me a drink (hey, Joey!) so I don’t bother meeting up with them. So I talk to a lot of guys on Tinder/Text/Snap (I don’t send nudes. FYI) but it never really comes to fruition. I can write about all of that too. Let me know what you want to know. I have no problem sharing.
  8. Last, I have no idea what I’m doing. But let’s start the ride, shall we?


Fifty First Tinder Dates

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I'm on fire.

Oooh, oooh, ooh, I’m on fire.

Last July I joined Tinder for one week. Then I joined Bumble for like ten months, and now I’m back to Tinder. I’ve found that most men are on all of the dating sites, however, I’ve found there is a larger selection of NON-white guys on Tinder.

You see, I’ve only dated white guys my whole life! Not on purpose. I swear! Seems just like white guys, black and Latino guys don’t find me attractive either! Sweet! Kidding, but not really. One black guy at my reunion thought we dated, and I was like “I think I would remember that.” But didn’t say why. But yeah, I think I would’ve remembered THAT!

This year, I’ve gone out with a black guy. AND an Asian guy. Both cuties, but… ehhhh. I’m still looking! Let’s say that! (For the record, if I had to pick something besides white, I’m going with Asian. That surprises people. Does it surprise you? Why or Why not?)

But it’s the bad dates (with normal creepy white guys) that keep happening. And I thought, why don’t I write about these (terrible) dates? I mean, I’m looking for content for my blog anyway. And I usually just end up sharing it with friends or Twitter anyway. (Usually Twitter. I have no friends). So why not share it here?

Let me give you some background: I am a cougar NOT a milf.  I don’t have kids. Therefore…well, you get it. (And if you don’t know what a “milf” is, you should watch American Pie.) I tend to date younger men mostly because this is what I’ve realized about all men: They are immature jerks at any age. So, why not date the younger, hotter model with hair? PLUS the ugly duckling me of my late teens and twenties LOVES that my old ass milkshake brings all the jocks to the yard. They have a cougar/milf fantasy – and I’m more than happy to oblige. Whilst I can! I’m not gonna lie! Plus there are a lot of semi-professional athletes out there that need love too!

To be fair, I’ve matched with men my age and older. Some have asked me out on dates. Not all. Some don’t answer me at all. So, yeah. I would love to meet some rich CEO and call it a day, but nah….the only ones who gush over me are like 25. And I DO love being called “Gorgeous” (because I’m NOT). As long as they are at least 21, I’m good. (And shut up to those who disapprove. Dennis Quaid, the actor, is dating someone like 40 years younger than him!)

Oh and a huge BY THE WAY – if you have a son who is in his 20’s – he’s in his room right now, jerking off on Snapchat to whoever will watch. I’m not lying. I wish I were. Seriously. He’s doing that … right now. And I probably watched. Only out of sheer curiosity however. Or he’s bringing his phone in the shower. Which I also don’t understand. I’m so happy I don’t have kids, because I would take Junior JMo by the ear and say “Don’t you dare show your private parts to strangers on the interwebz!!”

OH, AND some of these dudes have hooked up with their friends’ moms!!!! I’ve heard some good stories. I mean, I’m mortified but also very interested in people’s secrets. I always ask, Does your friend know? And the answer has been, NO. So, there’s something else to think about. If you are a young man with a hot friend, he probably banged your mom one afternoon. Seriously. Your mother banged your friend, Joey, like a screen door in a hurricane. (High five to Mom though!!! You go girl!)

(It’s been so long since I’ve blogged, I can’t figure out how to do Spell Check on here anymore. That’s kinda lame. I feel old. Have I mentioned my knees make noise going up stairs? Sigh. No spell check. Sorry folks!)

Stay tuned, I guess. And if I cross your path on Tinderverse, don’t cross me, or else you will find your picture on here with a scathing Yelp like review!

In other news, the Jonas Brothers are back!!


P.S. Do these letters look tiny to you? It looks like a pain in the ass to read. Sorry about that.

Let’s Not, and Say We Did

“What do you say we bring back a little civility to the WEB?”

In case you haven’t heard, it’s “Be Nice on the Internet Week.” I shit you not. Did you even KNOW there was such a thing? And honestly…a week? I couldn’t (and didn’t) even last one day.  The internet was not made on which to be nice. It was made to bitch and moan and find other people who bitch and moan about the same things and revel in it.

In case you still don’t believe me, here is the actual picture:

Let's not and say we did!

Let’s, for a moment, try to ignore the terrible picture of the woman (?) feeling up the chest of a robot who looks like Rosie from The Jetsons  (kids, look it up. I nearly peed myself when they made a Flinstones/Jetsons cross over movie.). But did you know that when we use things like FML or STFU, that those are “Negative Social Shorthand?”  I certainly didn’t. So there, I’ll be nice this one time by saying “Thank you for teaching me something. And now that I know what “NSS” is, I’m going to make up MORE of them.”

(I’m still in the dark as to what KISS is…anyone?)

TMS = Toss my salad

TIGB = Toss it good, bitch!

WTFH = What’s the fucking holdup? (Waiting in line for coffee)

MNA = Move now, asshole! (Will come in handy at a red light where the person in front of you obviously forgot they were waiting for light to turn green, and instead just enjoys standing still in the middle of the road.)

Ok, I’ve had enough fun. Now it’s your turn. I want to read your NSSes (It’s like ROUSes!) in the comments below. And don’t bother being nice. I’m not interested!