Facts of Life

I know.

I know.

I haven’t written in a while. In all honesty, I lost the desire to write. And yes, I could’ve sat down and written a bunch of shit, but I didn’t want to punk you like that. So I took some time off.

But good news, bitches! I’m back!

I say that a lot. “I’m back.”

When in fact I never really went anywhere. I’ve been here. No fan mail. No questions. No nothing. I would love to make this bitch into an advice column but apparently no one needs advice.

So let’s see…what’s going on…

So I almost perished in a terrible car wreck the other day. I was driving to work, carefully, of course. Going 80 in the left hand lane. When some asshole in a Honda, racing a little red Corvette, decides he wants to be in my lane. Exactly where I am. Like, right at that second.

So I slam on my horn…nothing. He’s still coming. So I violently swerve out-of-the-way coming within inches of the guard rail. Maybe even centimeters…I know I was close.

I can’t recall if I was pumping the breaks or hitting the gas. No idea. My left leg was so tense I get a charley horse in my calf! OW!

Then my car starts fishtailing. Swinging back and forth and back and forth and all I can see is my hands on the wheel (Jesus, where the fuck where you, bro? Could’ve used some help!) going back and forth, back and forth. And I keep thinking, “What do they say about turning your wheel into a skid?  Oh fuck this.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

I was almost positive my SUV was going to tip over. Or worse. I was just preparing for…the worst really. I’ve never had my car go that out of control. So…whatever I did worked, motherfuckers! Because I lived to tell the tale.

I literally cannot believe that car didn’t hit me. That I didn’t hit the guard rail. That someone didn’t slam into me from behind. Or the side. Or that I didn’t slam into a car in front of me. It was like I was all alone. And I got the car under control and then….held back the puke until I got to work.

That asshole ended up in the far right lane and got off at the exact next exit. which was like 1/4 mile away from where he almost killed me.

Oh and funny story…I have a satellite radio and was listening to Howard Stern (the west coast feed). When I slammed on my breaks (I guess), my bag went flying onto the floor and must’ve hit the radio on the way done. Because while I’m dealing with a painful charley horse and trying to get this friggin’ behemoth of a vehicle back onto the road… the station changed to the Playboy Channel.

And all I can think is “Great. I’m going to crash and they are going to need the jaws of life to get me out. And while they are doing that, the Playboy Channel is going to be blaring in the background. FML.

Just so you know, I’m going to try to write some more. I promise. But I’m also going to try to get serious about my book starting in November. I would appreciate any support you can give me. Moral, verbal or otherwise. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I mean, I remember being in 9th grade and instead of passing notes to my friends that said, “Hi I’m bored. Did you see Fresh Prince of Bel Air last night?” I would write stories, wild ones, about us and the boys we liked. Not wild like sexy. Just wild like…fantasy and knight in shining armor. Those were some good stories!

So now, I’m going to write a really long note to you guys…and I hope that when I’m done, you’ll actually read it. Like buy it for your Kindle or your iPod or whatever you are using nowadays.

Alright, that’s all. I gotta go watch Survivor! (Seriously, how does no one but Michael recognize Blair from Facts of Life? Jesus, are we THAT old?)

Take the good, take the bad,

xojmo

 

I Know the Secret to Disney|Pixar’s “Brave” – SPOILER ALERT!

Let me start off by saying a couple of things:

I’ve known the “secret” to Disney/Pixar’s Brave since last August (D23 Expo).  I will say that the person who told me, did so by complete accident, thinking I already knew (more on that to come). I will also say that the person who told me does work for Disney.

Since August I have scoured the internet looking for this “secret” and have yet to find it. I offered the scoop to an unauthorized Disney fan page/blog, and was shown no interest. Um, okay. Now, I have a blog, but while I have intermittently written about Disney topics, it’s not a Disney-only-centric blog. I’m not even sure if anyone will even see this, or care for that matter. BUT, I feel like since this has been kept under wraps for so long….it’s gotta be something that Disney/Pixar didn’t necessarily want us (the fans) to know. But now I’m letting the world now. AND IF for some reason this picks up any traction or interest, I would just like to say that before 8:39pm on February 23, 2012 – this was nowhere else in print. I’m the first to talk about it. So kudos to me!! Wheeee!!

JMo’s got the scoop!! Oh yeah!

While at the 2nd D23 Expo in Anaheim last August, I met a lovely person (no gender or name to protect the innocent) who works for Disney but was not working at the Expo.  Since this person was alone, my sister and I would meet up with them during random times during the day. Check out different sessions, etc. Eat lunch. You know at the copious places to eat at the Anaheim Convention Center. Otherwise known as “Wait in line for an hour for a hot dog and then sit on the floor since there are no chairs/tables anywhere.”

While separated from said person, my sister and I went to see the Brave break out discussion. It truly made me look forward to this movie. It’s visually stunning and the main character is a curly red headed badass princess. Woo! You go girl!

Plug: DISNEY|PIXAR’S BRAVE OPENING IN THEATERS ON JUNE 22ND!

Ok ok, on to the spoilery part. So after the talk was over we met up with person who works for Disney. They asked how it went and we started talking about the movie. The bear, the suitors, the Witch.

And then it just kind of slipped out of their mouth.

“Oh yeah. And the Witch’s curse that turns her mother into a bear.”

Say what now?

Well the proverbial cat was out of the bag. Or in this case, the bear. Out of the cave.

Now I don’t know if the Witch turns the Queen into “THE” bear or “a” bear. And if you’ve seen the trailer I think you know what I mean by “THE” bear. We shall see.

But what I do know is that this particular plot point has been written NOWHERE until now. I assume there is a reason why Disney and Pixar wanted to keep it from us. But no longer. I have told you. You’re welcome. 

It’s even carefully worded (and hidden of course) in Disney’s own words – part of their description of the movie:

“Merida’s actions inadvertently unleash chaos and fury in the kingdom, and when she turns to an eccentric With for help, she is granted an ill-fated wish.  The ensuing peril forces Merida to harness all of her skills and resources … to undo a beastly curse before it’s too late, discovering the meaning of true bravery.”

A beastly curse? Well it surely is a beastly curse if your ill-fated wish to the Witch turns your mom into a freakin’ bear!

So there. I’ve sat on this for months, but since I’m a complete Disney nerd, I’m letting it slip. For all you other nerds out there.

And for those of you who hate it when I blog Disney stuff, suck it up!! I’ll be back to bitching and moaning in no time!

Always let your conscience be your guide,

xojmo