Jumping Off the Deep End

This meme is in jest. Because, seriously, A Star is Born wrecked me emotionally. I never saw nor knew anything about the other versions except, “Wasn’t that a movie with Kris Kristofferson?” And while I love Gaga AND Bradley Cooper (Alias Alum, hello?!) I had not a lot of interest in seeing this movie. But a friend of mine wanted to see it, so there I was. And I was NOT prepared for the overwhelming emotions (see: sobbing. And for the record, I am not a huge crier at movies. Movies are fake.) I was going to experience. And not just me, even. I think my whole row was also crying, one woman I did not know, three seats down, sounded like I felt inside…loud, uncontrollable heaving type sobbing. I hate to reuse the word ‘sobbing’ again because there are so many impeccable words in my language, but it’s what it was. I had napkins and tissues, some already used, strewn about my lap and purse. Alternating between stuffing them under my eyes as tears gushed down my face (farewell decent makeup job). And just covering my whole entire face, blocking the screen as if it were a horror movie. My whole body jerked as I sat there, knowing full fucking well that THAT is Lady Gaga (pointing) and HE is Bradley Cooper (points over there) and they are not Ally and Jackson, so why the fuck am I crying like this? Because life. Life is hard for some people. I know because it’s been hard for me sometimes, okay, a lot. And seeing Jackson close that garage door fucking stabbed me right in the heart. I cry now just writing about it.

(Spoilers, like Winter, is coming)

If you are #depressed and have struggled with thoughts of #suicide at any point in your life, this movie may #trigger you. I realized it had nothing to do with Bradley or Jackson. The metaphor, purposeful or not, was perfect: Jackson shuts out the world because the pain and suffering was too much to LIVE WITH anymore. And what he did inside, unfathomable to most, is what made the most sense to him. To end that pain. His life. While Charlie (Bradley’s actual dog IRL, unrelated to the heavy topic) cluelessly yet lovingly waits for him right on the other side of that garage door. Like his fans. They love him, but they don’t know him at all. And all the love in the world, even from those you do know (wife, brother) can’t grab that belt out of your hands when the time comes. So, yeah I cried because I have proverbially been inside that garage. And it’s really fucked up. And it’s scary. And it physically hurts, not just mentally and emotionally. Nothing to be proud of, but you wouldn’t believe the bravery it takes to fall into the unknown. Knowing only that anything, everything is better than this this.

Otherwise, the movie was okay, I guess.

xojmo

P.S. Here is the real fucking moment/meme. A moment everyone should experience at least once in their life because it feels really fucking good when the guy you like makes you feel special. It also helps if he is a super famous rich singer too.

“Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die?”

A few months before I was born, my father gave a card to my mother on what was to be their last anniversary.

“You always liked cards,” he said as he tossed it to her and continued to leave her, pregnant, and their 5-year-old child alone in their home.

Inside the card he let her know he was leaving her for a girl (she was young) he met bird watching.  Fucking bird watching.

When it was time for my mother to have me, instead of my father it was her brother-in-law (my uncle) supporting her at the hospital.  (It was the 70s, I think a man was required to be there or something!)

As a grown woman, knowing what I know now about the type of person my father was/is…I just can’t accept it. Leaving a pregnant woman for someone else on their anniversary (funny, my husband left me for his pregnant mistress and vacationed with her on OUR anniversary where WE honeymooned)? Telling her he will quit his job and work under the table if she tried to take him to court for child support? What kind of person is that? A fucking terrible one.

And that’s how I came into this world. Negativity. A reminder, really.  A living, breathing entity to remind my mother of all those horrible things about her marriage and her family. As you can imagine, I am not the favorite child. In fact, a doctor once told me, “You had a mother. You didn’t have a mommy.”

I try to explain this feeling to people that I have about life. It’s like, I was invited to a party. Or yet, forced to go. And I don’t want to be there.

I want to leave. But I can’t. I’m stuck.

I’m stuck here.

Why am I even here? How did I get here? Let me go!

People ask me, “Hey are you okay?”  Most of the time I LIE, of course. But sometimes I simply say, “No.” And literally NO ONE knows how to deal with it. “Oh ok, well if you want to talk I’m here.” Uh ok. Thanks? What about now? Try asking me a QUESTION.  “I don’t know how to help you.” Um, ok, would you say that to a cancer patient?  So yeah, I lie. “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” And move on.

Because I’m a bitch, people confuse that for sheer craziness.  I’ve been accused of being crazy hundreds, possibly thousands, of times by both people I KNOW and strangers. And recently was told, “You need psychological help.”  I was a huge bitch to that person, but still.

Oh honey, I’ve seen more shrinks, social workers and psycho-pharmacologists than you can imagine.  They all agree: I am not bi-polar (Thank you vm!) nor am I schizophrenic.  One believed, as I do, that I have BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder. Which, sounds REALLY bad. Like, multiple personality disorder. But they aren’t the same. They are in fact very different. And if you read just one paragraph about BPD you may understand where I’m coming from, and how hard it is to change my brain to think.

This post isn’t about BPD, but it does say a lot about who I am and how I perceive things. I tried talking about this with family years ago but they did not seem interested in that, nor the treatment which is very intensive and expensive.  Why is no one interested in me? Oh, cuz I suck and bring everyone down. Right.  I try not to! I swear!

Listen, I know I’m fucked up. Sorry!! At least I’m honest. About everything. And if you ever want to know where I stand or how I feel, people should just ask! No one ever asks me anything, so I get really excited when they do, like I’m famous and being interviewed. Maybe that’s why I went to so many shrinks – they asked me shit and listened to the answer.

I’m a failure at life and I want to leave!!!

Please. Let me go.

I know what you’re thinking, “JMo is suicidal. OMG.”

I’m not. Relax.

I mean, I am. But I won’t do it.

I already tried it once. And honestly, once you think about it, it’s always there. Beckoning to you, like that creepy clown in the sewer.

Not to get into it, but obviously I’m alive! Hello! So it didn’t work. My attempt. But it happened. But IT and IT’s aftermath will stay with me forever. A life experience not many have.

I carry depression with me every minute of every day.  It doesn’t mean I’m sobbing and sad all the time (yay medication!) but it does mean that I’m aware of my feelings and FEEL those emotions very strongly. Just please know what about me: I don’t do feelings half-assed.

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I just realized my blog has NOT been funny recently. I do have a fun story about JMo, a bleeding heart liberal and very anti-gun, shooting one of the death machines. So that should be good, right?

Until then, PLEASE remember that I’m a human being. And while you might have NO idea what I do with my days and nights, just know that I’m fighting to be here, even though I want to Lyft the fuck outta life!

Oh and I have anger issues and I’m lonely. So yeah, probably shouldn’t be shooting a gun. But whatever. 😉

Existing,

xojmo

And I wonder if they’ll laugh when I’m dead?
Why am I fighting to live if I’m just living to fight?
Why am I trying to see when there ain’t nothing in sight?
Why am I trying to give when no one gives me a try?
Why am I dying to live if I’m just living to die?

2Pac