I’m Proud to Say: I Didn’t Build That!!

Wooo!! You’re right Mr. President…I didn’t build roads, or bridges or pergolas. And you’re also right, Mr. Right Wing Crazy Person…I didn’t build a business! Shame on me! Let’s face it…Does the One-Cup business I visited once really make a difference to this world? No. They sell fucking Keurig coffee cups. C’mon! I’ve shopped at Goodwill more times than that store. Yet…they are the job creators? Um, no. They are the coffee brewers. And not even like real percolated coffee. But I digress.

First off, I want to say…NOW I know how Republicans zealots feel when their taxes go to shit like abortions. It drives them crazy! I’ve been driven crazy today to find out that a male inmate, in jail for killing his wife, is allowed to get a sex change AND that my state taxes will go towards that! Argh!! *shakes fist* Damn you liberal America!

Secondly, the RNC wants #AreYouBetterOff to trend on Twitter. Their big thing: Are you better off now than you were four years ago? I guess they want us Americans to say “No. Life sucks now that we have a Muslim black guy who was responsible for 9/11 in office! Booo! I now live in a cardboard box.”  Well guess what? Not only am I not worse off than I was four years ago…

I’m fucking WAY better off than I was four years ago! Yahooooo!

1. I have a way better, safer and cooler car than I did four years ago. (Also American made!)

2. I live in a pretty upscale and fancy apartment (which I did not four years ago) with a walk in closet, a dishwasher (I grew up poor. Our dishwasher was our hands) and a sunken tub. Did I mention that I have a full washer and dryer in my apartment too? Hellz yeah! I didn’t build that!

3. I make more money than I did four years ago.

4. I finally started contributing to my 401K over the past four years.

5. I still have the freedom to vote, to get an abortion, to marry a lady in the state of Massachusetts if I so wished to (I don’t. Sorry ladies!), AND waste money on frivolous stuff like Jiminy Cricket pins (for my collection!).

6. I haven’t been shot in a movie theater (keepin’ those fingers crossed!!).

7. No more war in Iraq and Osama bin Laden is dead! Word!

8. I’ve visited Disneyland twice in the past four years.

9. I can read anything I want, when I want, and freely rant about it on the internet.

10. I have health insurance. A computer. A laptop. Cable TV (like the real package). A TiVo. Tons of shoes. A Blackberry. (Wait, maybe I am worse off than I was four years ago. I don’t have an iPad, and iPhone or an eReader. My life sucks. Thanks a lot Barack Obama.)

So…yeah, I think I am better off than I was four years ago. The stock market is up like 70% since Obama took office. I don’t dabble in the stock market, but I would have to think that all those folks who do, should be thankful!

Yes, I live beyond my means. Am in debt. Still paying of a student loan. But fuck it…I’m in America. That shit is normal. I’m an average American. And guess what…if my tax dollars can go towards helping other people out NOT in the time of crisis….then so be it. Take it. Why do we as Americans only come together after a tragedy like 9/11 or Katrina? Or Haiti? Or whatever? After 9/11 there were lines out the door to donate blood. Do you think it’s still that way? Nope. Guess who is donating blood tomorrow?


Guess who gives money to the ushers at the movie theater when they come around for donations for the Jimmy Fund or Will Rogers Institute?


Listen, there is nothing wrong with helping our fellow Americans. So chillax everyone! I feel like the Dems are the party to do that. That’s all I’m saying.

SERIOUSLY think about it….are you worse off or better off than you were four years ago? Or, maybe just the same?

Four more years,


Excuse Me While I Bitch a Bit.

Mitt Romney seems like a really nice, clean-cut kind of guy.  In fact, when he was the Governor of Massachusetts, he was a moderate who believed in health care for all, pro-choice and gun control for automatic weapons.

So what happened?

I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that the hundreds of millions of dollars he has taken in donations has something to do with it.  He might as well drive around in a NASCAR vehicle with all the names of the folks he took money from AND what their positions are politically.

Mitt is a Mormon. He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t drink caffeine. He doesn’t swear and he’s been boinking the same woman for like 40 years. He never served in the military. And he funnels money through the Cayman Islands to avoid paying Federal Tax. Oh, and he wears magical underwear AND believes that he’s going to get his own planet when he dies.

So excuse me if I wonder: What the hell does Mitt really know about being a hard-working, normal American?

Again, seems like a nice guy. But he slams Obama for being a lawyer and not a businessman. You know, because America is a company and needs a businessman to run it.  Obama got his law degree from Harvard. You know who else got his law degree from Harvard? Mitt Romney.

The last businessman we had in office was George W. Bush. Who ran his business (a major league baseball team) into the ground, as he did with this country. Getting us involved in two wars and breaking the banking system along with the auto industry. He was all “Nice to see ya. I’m outta here. Peace.” when his two terms ended.

Just so you know 25 of our nation’s Presidents were lawyers.  Including, but not limited to, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. You know, our founding Fathers that the Republicans like to talk so much about.

But now Mitt wants to run our country like a business. Whatever that means. Did you ever stop to think that there are 12 million people without jobs because this country is overpopulated? And a lot of our citizens have low IQ’s. Yet everyone thinks they are entitled to a high paying job. I’m pretty sure the farms have jobs, you know that all the Mexicans do… because no American will do them. You know, those jobs.

I’m also sick of women’s bodies being the subject of any conversation that starts with “from what I’ve heard from doctors, women, during a legitimate rape, have a way of shutting that whole things down.”

What fucking year is this? Seriously? So a woman who gets raped but also gets pregnant, was therefore not really raped, and actually wanted to conceive that monster’s baby…??

Ok, so when I hear stuff like that, I get mad. Obviously. And then I do something horrible. I wish with all my might that the women related to those assholes are raped. And get pregnant. And then they’ll be forced to raise a baby they don’t even want.

Listen, how about you let me do what I want with my lady parts. And if I decide to have an abortion, that you trust it was not a decision I would take lightly, and let me do it. Because what is the alternative? Having the baby that I don’t want to raise. Nor do I have the financial ability to raise one. So then I’d have to go on welfare…God fucking forbid. Right, Republicans?? I’m a single mom, you know, because my rapist went to jail. So I’m poor, working two jobs, I can’t raise my kid correctly because I’m never home. And then he becomes a serial killer…AND THEN YOU WANT TO PUT HIM TO DEATH.

How about when he was just a zygote or whatever. Jesus. It would’ve saved me all that bullshit. One less person on this earth. You know, the earth that actually has something called Climate Change. That real scientists have been studying for years. But you don’t believe in that, Republicans. Why would you? In your perfect world, we all live in the 50’s where women are home barefoot and pregnant, and you’re out making the money and cheating all over your wives. Good times!

Listen, Bill Clinton liked to fuck, smoke cigars and eat McDonald’s. Now THAT is an American.

Mitt…none of those things. And he doesn’t have to believe in Climate Change, because when he gets his planet after he dies…it’s going to be perfect. No rising tides. No melting glaciers.  Ahh, Mormons.

That’s all. Just needed to bitch.