Is the Word “Slut” Even Relevant Anymore?

What’s your number?

You already know what I’m talking about.

I hate getting older for one reason (okay there are many reasons, such as, but not limited to, I now fully understand and appreciate why the product Poise is manufactured):  Feeling like an out of touch old fogie around the young people.

I’m cool. I’m hip. I’m with it. Down with it. It’s it. What is it?

Where was I? Oh yes…sluts!

Today it’s totally normal for a 22-year-old girl’s “number” to be 20. Or higher!

That makes me wiry-haired chin drop to the floor!

She’s slept with 20 guys?? And she’s only 22! Holy shit.

That, to me, is a lot.

Ok, fine. You’re totally not a cumbucket slutbag if you’ve fucked 20 guys practically before you were of legal age to drink. P.S. Vodka doesn’t give you crabs. Keep your legs closed for a few days!

As a wise man once said back in the 19 hundreds and 90’s about what makes a woman a “low pro hoe”:

But I know she’s a loser

(How do you know?)

Me and the crew used to do her!

Oh snap!  That is a cold hard dis right there.

But now…it takes more than the crew.

It’s the crew, the cast, the understudies, the Kraft service, and the whole damn audience!

THEN that would make her a hoe?? Maybe?

And I’m not a prude. I’m sure my earlier posts have proven that. But wow.

Rainbow Party!

Rainbow Party!

Ok, and here’s another problem with this scenario…If true, if girls are more promiscuous and more slutty than ever, what good is being a cougar then??  I thought being a cougar was all sexy like “Oh, that older lady over there has a lot of sexual experience and will do all the things that the girls at school won’t do.”

Yeah, no! Apparently those girls are already doing everything, including you and all your friends AND your enemies.  In ever position and every hole!

So what do I bring to the table? I mean, I know I’m a good lay! I got high-fived by a broad-shouldered plump lipped Jewish rugby player* who KNOWS how sex is done.  Do I wish I could have a personal reference CV when it comes to my fucking abilities…Yeah, yes I do.  But I can’t.

Because honestly….. I would if the guys would take my request seriously! References, people! Or endorse me on LinkedIn. (Ok, omg, imagine?? I’d get a lot of anonymous views after that!)

So why would a guy pick a cougar nowadays?  Oh God, don’t say money. Now I’m really screwed.

Yo slick blow,

xojmo

*Damn, SFJ, when are you going to get divorced already?

“Men Are Allergic to Fat Women!”

Today, my friend and I attended the Southern New England Women’s Expo in Lincoln, RI.

We went last year and knew what to expect: a bunch of vendors trying to sell their stuff. Also, raffles: Macy’s gift card, Target gift card, windows, finished basements, iPad mini and a freezer full of food! I passed on the latter, and good thing to…because the “America’s Top Matchmaker” Janis Spindel was a featured speaker. And boy, did she have some amazingly shocking advice for all the ladies who sat to listen to her presentation – Lose some weight, fatties!

You see, apparently men care about Beauty, Brains and Body. “They are allergic to fat women.”  Um, look around Janis. You’re at a second-rate casino that only has electronic gaming. In Rhode Island.

Ok, so she talked about how short, bald, fat men are only interested in skinny women. By the way, she helps these men in her matchmaking scheme.

But as far as chubby women – Nope! And I know this because I walked up to her after her uninspiring chat. So….are the overweight women doomed?

First, let me show you a picture of Ms.Spindel:

Image

Ok, so Ms. Top Matchmaker…what is an overweight woman to do?

She told me to lose weight because I was fat.  She wouldn’t work with me until I did that (I never said I wanted to work with her, by the way.) She told me I had great hair and great big eyes. But was super pissed that I was wearing glasses. I explained that I usually wear contacts, but today was the Women’s Expo and I was being comfortable. She abhorred my glasses, telling me they are unflattering and unfeminine.  Uh…

She asked me my height, weight, my age, if I wanted to have kids. When I said no, she was dumbfounded. “You just haven’t met the right man,” she declared.  Um, will the right man make me want to do fifth grade math homework? Probably not. So yeah, no kids for me, lady!

She told me about a girl who worked for her and called her a “blimp.”  Hand to God…she called this poor girl NOT in attendance a “blimp” behind her back and went on to say that the Blimp was comfortable with her fat.  But she disapproved.

Um…ok.

I was just so turned off by this woman. In fact, during the presentation, the woman behind me asked a question about online dating. She was way more overweight than me, and in fact, was using crutches to get around. During my talk with Janis, I wondered, “Why didn’t Janis tell that woman behind me that she was fat and shouldn’t be dating at all?”

Yet she clearly had no problem telling me I was fat and that men were allergic to fat and were not interested in women who don’t take care of their bodies.

THEN…she went on to say…”You don’t like big fat men with huge bellies do you? That’s just disgusting!!”

Meanwhile, my friend with me …. her husband is overweight. Which by my standards and hers…is just fine. In fact, yeah I kinda like my men meaty…like Rugby player meaty.  Would I love a juicehead gorilla whose body is FINE…sure. But I do understand that those men are SHALLOW and probably don’t want a woman like me. And to be honest…I don’t like skinny guys cuz I feel like I’d break them in bed. I like my men Jungle Gym size: so I can climb all over them.

So this  matchmaker sells books and people pay her to match them up. To me, she is anti-women and should NOT have been at a Women’s Expo.

Ok, yes I am single (divorced actually).  But in my lifetime I have attracted good-looking men. She calls them “chubby chasers.” Yes, she said that to me.

Sorry Janis, but you were just a big ol’ CUNT today. Shame on you for helping those short bald fat men find pretty  SKINNY women. God forbid us pretty “FAT” girls have relationships too.

Oh and Janis…guess what? After we left the expo, we headed to the mall and got Crumb’s cupcakes!! Take that, ya wrinkly old bitch (who also said her daughter needed to lose twelve pounds. Nice mom!).

And when that day comes, that I get shot in a movie theater and lay there dying…I’ll be happy to have had that cupcake instead of starving myself for a man!!

Your boss called you a BLIMP!

xojmo

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