JMo’s New Favorite “JMunchie”

Some of you may smoke marijuana. And if you do, you may be familiar with getting the munchies! If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically this overwhelming feeling of wanting to eat something – usually yummy and bad for you. When I’m in the mood for munchies, I usually go for sweet (like peanut M&M’s) or salty (like Pringles) or meaty (Slim Jim), or maybe all three!!!

But sometimes, your taste buds want something else, but you’re just not sure what…

Well if you are looking for something new, look no further! I stumbled upon this gem at Walmart and now I’m hooked. But it’s a bit unconventional.

bisquick-complete-buttermilk

Just add water!! Oh and then bake them.

Yes, it’s the Complete Buttermilk Biscuit Mix by Bisquick! Super random I know, but hear me out!

Have you ever wanted something warm and yummy from the oven but NOT a cookie? Do you love bread and carbs like I do? ESPECIALLY buttermilk biscuits?? BUT you are way too lazy (i.e. stoned) to actually put together dozens of ingredients and then wait for them to bake and cool – Then head to your local grocery store (or Walmart, which is where I find these beauts) and pick up one of these packets.

It only costs one dollar. YES YOU READ THAT RIGHT – $1.00!! You add 1/2 cup of water, stir and then drop by the spoonful on a lightly greased baking sheet. And in 11 minutes or so, you have a warm, delicious snack – AND can be more delicious if you smear some butter on it.  You will so thank me for this!!

The package sternly reminds you NOT to eat the raw dough. I never even considered eating raw buttermilk biscuit dough until Bisquick told me not to. Then I did. And it’s not bad, BUT not awesome like brownie batter.

Another one of my regular snacks is also weird: Cake ice cream cones. Basically the cones that AREN’T the sugar cones. You know….the bland ones that taste/look like Communion Wafers….? My fave!!

The regular ones have no sugar and are only 20 calories each. OR you can splurge for the Jumbo cones and those are 30 calories each.

And yes, I’m eating these without ice cream in them. Again, I can get a box for these at Christmas Tree Shop for $1.00.

Hey, if you end up making these biscuits, let me know what you think!

And feel free to share what your favorite munchies are,

xojmo

 

 

 

Shouldn’t This Be All Over Fox News?!

I’m a democrat.  I have never hidden that fact, but if this your first time to my blog: Welcome! And to get you up to speed, I’m a democrat.

So having said that, I’m perusing TMZ.com while Dateline plays in the background and the story of Rhianna posting a pic on her Instagram of an incredibly huge amount of marijuana. Which, last time I checked, is illegal. Just stating the facts here.

This is real.

This is real.

So why aren’t conservatives more OUTRAGED with Rhianna? Let’s make a GOP checklist:

1. She is not American (i.e. born here and white).

2. She is in possession of illegal marijuana and is boasting about it on the interwebz. Showing it to your kids!!!

3. Her boyfriend is BLACK and beat her face to a bloody pulp. And she stays with him. That hoodlum.

So why isn’t Fox News urging their viewers to storm into their teen daughters room and demand her copy of the Rhianna CD and/or storm into the office to erase the download on her mp3??

Isn’t this girl a bad role model? Tell me…do you think she is an honest to goodness good role model? Because I don’t.  That doesn’t mean that I dislike her in any way. I think what she is doing with Chris is dangerous, but I get it. She’s basically telling the world: “I’m taking a gamble on him. If he does it again, I expect a huge ‘I told you so.'” And that takes balls.  I think she has a good voice and she’s sexy. And rich. So does that mean she can do these NON-conservative things and Fox News won’t cover it?

But what they will cover is how Adele and Kelly Clarkson are fat and bad role models.

Oh Jesus Christ. I think it’s time that we talk about the obese pink elephant in the room.

Pretty skinny people hate fat people. Pretty fat people or ugly fat people. Doesn’t matter. They just hate us ugly people.

And yes, I consider myself a Fat-American. I guess I am coming out of my fat closet of shame and just saying, “Yup, I’m fat. And I totally get why you hate me. And us. I totally get it.”

Skinny people consider all fat people as lazy. Whether or not that is actually true is irrelevant. To them: fatties = lazies.

And oh boy, do skinny people hate fat people, because fat people sleep in. We don’t run on the treadmill.  We’ve never been to a Spin class.  We literally hate dieting. As much if not more than you  hate us fat people.

Ok where was I? Oh yeah, we eat McGriddles with cheese and like them so so much. We could literally eat a cheeseburger everyday and not think twice about it. But know we are AWARE that you are shaming us and we should feel guilty. Like a dog’s nose hit by the newspaper: We know what we did was “wrong”, but it felt really “good” doing it…sooo…I’m sorry, but I’m kinda not. Sort of like masturbation.

I’m sorry, I know I’m just kidding around. But let’s get serious….for some reason the GOP hates gays and fatties. I’m gonna be controversial now and say that I can get why they might be confused or turned off by (male) gay sex. Like, it don’t seem normal, like the square peg can’t fit through the hole. I’m honestly perplexed as to why they hate us fatties? Is it because you hate our bodies? They are gross? But you don’t have to look at me naked, so…chillax.

So Melissa McCarthy is hilarious, making us laugh at the movies and on TV (confession: have never seen one episode of her show), she appears to bathe and dress up and wear appropriate make up when she needs to. So why do people freak out about how fat she is? Adele? I mean, diss her dress, not her dress size. Have you just all woke up from a coma? Or have you not seen Adele before? She was big-boned before, and lo and behold she still is. Not shocking whatsoever. Yet a newsworthy story.  She even had a baby. Like God forbid she didn’t shed the baby weight and all her other gross weight by now. ?????? What the fuck Adele??

It just boggles my mind. To me it’s like mentioning someone was “black” all the time. “Hey, (white person on Fox News anchor), did you see that black Jay-Z at the Grammys? And that black Chris Brown who beat up Rhianna?”

NO, you don’t hear any of that. I don’t think. I don’t go by that channel so I’m not sure what their topic du jour is. But I see snippets on The Huffington Post…They watch the torture and report back to me.

I feel like a ton of fat people live in America. And some of us try to look decent. We really do!! Just like us fatties have uglies, you guys have uglies too. I mean, you do have George Clooney and Ryan Gosling, but we have …I don’t know. There are plus size models who are normal looking and pretty. And I thought Seth Rogen was adorable at a chub chub.

Listen, I just feel like fair is fair. Did you have to do a “news story” (??????) on fat people? Literally that is the story.

They are fat. Discuss Fox Nation. {Reaction: Booo! Stone them!! They ate donuts and fudge today!! How could they?? So gross. You lazy lazy fat ugly people. You are not part of our superior race. The prettier thinner race. Jesus was thin. So are we. You’re gross and fat like Satan.}

Then please do a story on Rhianna and her Instragramed marijuana. Which must be a Federal crime, no? And should INS be involved? And her being with the black abusive boyfriend? GASP!!  Don’t let Muffy, and Taylor, and Sabrina listen to Rhianna. Wal-mart should ban her cd’s. At least consider the topic if illegal drugs and domestic abuse as legit topics. And not because you hate a fat person for getting regular soda and not even diet. Why get diet? You just make fun of us anyway?  So we’ll drink full on HFCS/sugar/totallyunhealthydrink!!!  Wheeee!  Drinking milkshakes never tasted so good. Almost as good as gay sex.

But leave us fatties alone. Jesus. Go hate on someone else would ya?  We get it. You think we are lazy and we smell. Can I give you my lunch money to make you go away now, BULLY?

What will it take?

xojmo

 

Who Would Even Buy This??

Ok, I bought it. Or rather my sister did. While she was out on one of her many food shopping trips, she started texting me pictures of this crazy-ass stuff. And finally I was like “Can you buy those for me, because I need to blog about this.”

And here we are.  Bear with me okay, because this is a picture-heavy post. Which usually isn’t my style. But in order for you, the reader, to full experience this “crap”…I had to take a lot of pictures.

First up: Crazy Apple (www.crazyapples.com)

I love that their slogan is “Kids Love Them!” (actually in quotation marks)

Oh you’re not dreaming (or having a nightmare as it might be). That IS an apple in a package, and it IS bubble gum flavored. Supposedly. JMo will get to the bottom of this, don’t you worry.

“Ready-to-eat healthy snack”? You know what’s a ready-to-eat healthy snack? A fucking apple, that’s what.  100% Natural. Really? I’m no Bill Nye, but how is bubble gum flavor “natural”?

Also…the apple is wearing his hat sideways (which I guess means he’s cool to the kids?) and blowing a bubble. Get it? A bubble gum bubble. Which is the flavor of this apple. Hey, everyone, remember when apples were apple flavor? Not anymore!

(Unfortunately I cannot copy/paste from their website, but they “answer” the question on how bubble gum flavor can be “natural.”)

Clearly this is NOT geared toward my generation, so I grabbed my 10-year-old niece and said, unbiased, “Would you eat an apple that was bubble gum flavored?”

I was sure she was going to say “Yuck. Gross. No!” and dash out of the room crying her eyes out. But her answer was a resounding “Yes!! Can we eat it now?”

Natural Bubble Gum Flavorings from the Bubble Gum Plant

In case you were wondering about WW points

Ok. let’s cut this sucker up. I’m dying to taste this Bubble Gum Flavored (naturally) apple.

I specifically requested the apple slicer. Makes a more dramatic picture, no?

My reaction: I would NEVER guess in a million years it was supposed to be Bubble Gum flavor. All I kept thinking was “What’s wrong with this apple?” And “How exactly do they get the flavor INSIDE and not on the skin?” There were no visible puncture holes. So I’m perplexed.

Her reaction: Yummy! I love it! Can I eat it all? *skips off happily into the other room with bowl full of Crazy Apple slices*

NEXT!!

Ummm…..so Jell-O let’s their employees smoke weed at their desks? Cool!

Mixchief! Color Changing Pudding! Because my biggest complain about pudding has always been “Why won’t this shit change color?? Bullshit!”

So, that’s a chick. Who likes horny things. Lives in the basement of the “Jello Castle”??? And says completely sexist things that men think women would say! Puff Puff Pass!

Alrighty then. So…whenever I see a product that is trying to make something old, hip and new…I always picture the company’s board room…where they are pitching ideas. And seriously, I would’ve slapped this mope’s head if he brought up Heather who lives in Jell-O’s dungeon and makes pudding that changes color. “Really Randy? Go call up Heinz and ask them how well their green ketchup went over. You dipshit. You’re fired!”

But, what the fuck do I know? Randy obviously slept with the boss or everyone loved his idea. So here it is…Mixchief…the pudding that changes color. OR does it?

Don’t even think about using Soy milk, ya hippie!

I enthusiastically said (and made my leery niece say) “Presto Chango make my Jello!”  See what it says there….”Watch as it turns color?” Yeah well…the powder was green. And then you add milk (REAL MILK. Not Soy Milk!!) and it’s still green. Those fuckers LIE! It doesn’t change color. It’s green and it stays green. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

Green powder brings….

Green Pudding. Duh!!

Even bigger disappointment: It was vanilla pudding. And vanilla pudding has no taste. I’m strictly a chocolate pudding type of gal.

Conclusion: It’s green vanilla pudding. It never “changes” color. They lied. LIARS!!!

One last thing:

What if I liked my pudding foamy??

So that’s my hard-hitting news story about foods being geared toward your kids (God knows I don’t have any kids!). Next time you see something like this at your local grocery store, don’t buy it…instead tell JMo and I’ll go get it and try it. Gives me something to do!

Have you seen anything lately that made you go, “WHAT??”

xojmo